Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your partner thinking, wow, that escalated fast, and you're not even totally sure what happened. Like you started out wanting to talk about the dishes, and somehow it ended up questioning the entire relationship. Yeah. Cool. Super productive, right? And also, why does this always happen at night when everyone's already so exhausted? If you're a couple in the thick of work, family and real life, this probably feels especially frustrating, because you're not incapable, you're not clueless. You actually handle a lot. You're able to manage it quite well, and you show up for other people. And yet emotional conversations at home can still turn into blow ups, shut downs or even long silences. Today we're talking about emotional leadership, what it actually looks like in real life, why it matters, and how to talk to each other without tearing things down in the process. This is not about being perfect. It's about being intentional, especially when things get hard. So grab a warm drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship reset, a podcast for high achieving couples who've been together for over a decade and don't want to feel like roommates anymore. I'm Katie Roessler, relationship strategist and couples counselor with almost 20 years of experience helping ambitious couples reconnect, strengthen communication and turn their relationship into the best part of their success story. This podcast is about using practical tools and a lot of real talk to help you understand your patterns. Stop feeling stuck and discouraged and start working on your relationship in ways that actually fit your busy life. Because your relationship shouldn't be the cost of your success. It should be the best part of it. So let's dive in. Okay? I see this pattern constantly, two people who genuinely care about each other, two people doing their best, and still, conversations seem to spiral. One person pushes harder. I call them the fire, one right, and the other shuts down. They're the ice. Or both of you dig in and suddenly you're arguing about everything that's ever happened, and what I want to normalize right away is this, most of us were never taught how to lead emotionally. In fact, as I say that you might be thinking like I just speak about my feelings. More do I explain my feelings? More? No See, we were taught how to be productive, how to succeed, how to push through, how to fill up our calendars with lots of extracurricular activities, right? But no one sat us down and said, Hey, here's what to do when your nervous system is on fire and you still need to talk to the person you love, like this is literally the roadmap on how to do that. So if this feels hard, there's a reason for that. You don't have a roadmap, and it's time to fix that. Okay, let's start from the beginning. You cannot lead a conversation. You are already activated in what does that mean? If your chest is tight, your jaw is clenched, and you're mentally rehearsing your argument, that's not the time to have the conversation. That's not leadership, that's force. I'm going in with the plan, and I'm already tensed up, and the fire is in me. Yeah, the conversation is going to fail. Emotional leadership starts with noticing, oh, I'm already in it like this isn't going to go well. My tone has an edge. I'm trying to win and be right, not to be effective and connect. And leadership in that moment sounds like this. I want to talk about this, and I need a few minutes to calm down and get in a good space. That's not avoidance. You're not putting it off. That's about awareness and making sure that the conversation will be effective. Here's something that changes everything once you really get it your tone drives the conversation, not your logic, not how right you are, your tone. I was just talking about this in a master class the other day, but it doesn't matter what your intention is or was, it's the impact that it made, because that's what you're going to be dealing with. You may have thought you were saying the right things, but if your tone was in such a way that your partner receives it as attacking, belittling, contempt, even if you thought you were watching your tone, I've got a lot of clients who I really tried to watch my tone, and I'm like, I can even hear it. I can hear the contempt you have towards your partner. It's going to make the conversation even more challenging. Okay, so again, it's not your logic. It's not how right you are in what you're saying. It's your tone. You can say the exact same words in two different tones and get completely different outcomes. Hey, I feel like we need to talk. Hey, we need to talk. Right? It can sound like an invitation or a thread, depending on your tone. If you're a couple in the thick of work, family in real life, chances are your tone is sharper than you realize. Because you're tired, you're not trained to be mean. You're at your wit's end. Your tolerance is low. Emotional leadership means softening the entry point the starting off, so that the conversation even has a chance. And that means being aware, getting in a good space, and watching your tone. And here's the next step on that map, taking responsibility lowers defenses faster than explanations. This is a really big one, so I want you to listen in when conversations start to turn sideways. Most of us go into explaining mode why we said it, why we didn't mean it that way, why they shouldn't be upset. But leadership looks different. Leadership sounds like I can see how you would have taken it that way. I'm sorry I came in really frustrated. That's on me. I should have taken a step back for a moment. I shut down instead of staying present. So you're not taking all the responsibility. You're taking your part. Emotional leadership is grounded in self responsibility, in our ability to take ownership for our part of what's going on, even if it is in reflection of or in response to how our partner spoke to us. You don't need to give that explanation. Well, if you hadn't said it this way, I wouldn't have said that. No, just take ownership for what you said. Here's the example I give couples when they're like wrestling with this concept, I will say, Okay, let's use an example of like the dishes. The dishes haven't been done again for the second day in a row. They're still in the sink. When one partner brings it up to the other, hey, the dishes are still in the sink. That partner can either completely get into defensive mode and explain all the things that they did instead, so that you understand why the dishes weren't done, or they can say, you're right, I didn't do the dishes today and not need to waste the energy explaining why. It's true, the dishes were not done. I did not do them period. There's no further discussion that needs to happen. You can say, and I actually have time right now, so I'll go ahead and do them. Or, Hey, can you help me get them done? There's no fight when you take that ownership now your partner may continue. Well, why is it keep happening that way? And then you can say, Do you really want to know why? Because it'll sound like I'm being defensive. But here's the surprising thing, couples don't realize till they start putting into practice, responsibility calms the room way faster than defending yourself ever will. I'm going to say that again, responsibility. So taking that responsibility calms the room faster than defending yourself ever will. I have yet to see a conversation improve because the person defended themselves. I have absolutely seen a conversation improve the moment somebody goes you're right. I did do that. I did say that that way. I did forget to do that thing. Now let's talk about something. Those of us who've been together long term. So over 10 years with our partner, need to realize when you're in the thick of work, when everything's going wrong in the family, or you've got a lot of things you're trying to balance, and real life is doing what it does. There's a lot under the surface, and it all wants airtime. It wants your attention. So one small issue turns into past resentment. I feel unappreciated, I don't feel respected. Old Wounds start to come up and sort of that question is this just how it's always going to be? But here's the thing, emotional leadership means saying, let's stay focused on this one thing, this one problem that we're trying to resolve, not because the other stuff doesn't matter, but because everything at once is overwhelming, I call it problem stacking. The moment you start to explain to your partner something they did that hurt your feelings, and you see them kind of go okay, and you start to feel a resolution. Don't problem. Stack more things the moment your partner starts to share with you a problem they have. Don't then throw in the problems you have with them, even if your mind wants to share all the examples of how things relate to the one thing that you're sharing the problem don't because you're just problem stacking again, the other stuff does matter, but everything at once is overwhelming. Contained conversations feel safer. An emotional leader says, Even though I can think of 10 other things right now, I want to bring up and share with you that our problem. I'm going to focus on this one thing, because I don't want to overwhelm either of us, and I want this conversation to effectively resolve not keep going. And there's something about having that container that feels safe in which we start to feel like we can be more honest. So foster that have boundaries around that see healthy couples repair faster, not necessarily smoother. And that's really important to notice. We often think, oh, you know, healthy and great couples never argue. They never mess up. They're always on each other's side, supporting each other. No, they mess up. They're the ones who clean up sooner, though. They're the ones who resolve things faster repair for them. Sounds like I'm so sorry that came out wrong. Can I try that again? I don't like how I said that. Can we reset? So if you're waiting to repair until everything feels calmed and resolved, you'll be waiting for a long time. Leadership is being willing to interrupt your own momentum, your own righteous rage and fire within you, or that desire to ice over and pull away and say, This isn't how I want us to talk to each other. I take ownership for what I'm doing in that Okay, so here are three things you can try immediately, when you feel yourself getting worked up, right, when you feel like I'm going in for the battle, take a three breath reset. The first breath you're releasing everything up into that moment I get to let all this go. The second breath, you're imagining roots going into the ground. I am here. I am present. I am not spinning out. I'm not spiraling in my mind. And the third deep breath is opening up your mind to maybe there's some clarity there and some realizations you need to have in this conversation, not that you need them to have. So that's a simple technique that you can do with purpose, right? With intention. Each breath has a specific thing that you're focusing on. The next tip I want to give you is name the goal that you have for the conversation. My goal here is for us to connect more, because I feel like we're disconnecting, right? I'm not here to win. I want us to both be on the same page. So set your intentions and your goal in the beginning. Say it out loud. And the third tip, as you work on being able to repair more throughout a conversation, make sure you end the conversation with a repair, even if it was messy, even if it's like not fully resolved. Thank you for talking with me. I know this is hard. I know it's it's, you know, we haven't figured it out yet, but thank you for taking the time. I know I matter to you. You matter to me, right? It builds safety over time when we do that, especially for couples who are in the thick of it, we need to intentionally acknowledge when we see our partners showing up, because we often point out when they're not. So this week, I want you to practice emotional leadership in your relationship, and you might even just say, Okay, I'm going to just do it for this one conversation this week, like we're having a difficult conversation. I'm going to practice the tools Katie gave me and just see how it goes. Pause if either of you gets overwhelmed, stay on one topic. End with some form of repair or appreciation. You're not aiming for it to be perfect. You will make mistakes. In fact, good, because that helps you have even more awareness, right? When we make a mistake, we're like, ah, that I want to change that. Next time, oh, I got to improve that. Next time, oh, I want to work on that, right? We want to start being more intentional in our conversations, because that's emotional leadership. Okay, as we wrap up, I just want to remind you, emotional leadership is not about being calm all the time. It's about being more intentional, more often, getting out of autopilot and how we respond, especially when life is full, especially when you're tired, and especially when you really care and you're trying to make things better in your relationship, and if you want support learning how to do this together, I invite you to book a relationship game plan. Call with me. We're going to look at what's actually happening in your communication. What are those patterns that are occurring? What needs to shift so it feels less exhausting and way more connecting. You don't need to tear each other down to be heard. You just need better tools to be able to communicate effectively. Okay, dear listener, I'll see you next week. Before you go, I want to leave you with this. The effort you put into your relationship is one of the most important investments you'll ever make. How you communicate and grow together shapes your home, your leadership and the example you set for the people around you. Relationship work is truly legacy work, and it quietly impacts more lives than we often realize. If this episode resonated, consider sharing it with someone you care about, a partner, a friend, or another couple who's building a full life and wants their relationship to be the best part of it, too. And if you're enjoying these conversations, make sure to follow or subscribe to relationship reset. Leaving a rating or review also helps this message reach more couples who are ready to grow with intention. I'll see you next week.