Hey everyone, welcome back today. We're diving into a dynamic I see constantly with high achieving couples, especially those of you have been together for over 10 years. It's that loop where one person brings something vulnerable and the other person gets overwhelmed, shuts down and withdraws, and suddenly the conversation is gone, the connection is gone, and both people are left feeling like failures. Today, I'll be reading a dear Katie submission and supporting one of you through your own dynamic that you're seeing. But again, this is something I see on repeat. So for those of you listening, I have a feeling you're going to be able to go, Yep, I see this too in my relationship, and it's something I need some support in. And in this situation, for this couple, funny enough, they find that it's easier to communicate better through writing or texting than face to face. So we're going to be discussing, is that good healthy? Does it really work? And what we need to know about it. So today, I'm really going to unpack why our attachment Styles Clash with our partners very often, right and in the worst way possible, why conflict makes one of us feel rejected and the other feel like a failure. How to use alternative forms of communication, like writing, in a healthy and connected way. And of course, you'll have some practical steps and some homework to do this week, so go grab a warm drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild, the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed up. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. Okay, here's the letter Dear Katie, my husband and I have been together for 20 years, married for 14 we built a life filled with shared adventures, becoming parents, moving countries, weathering career changes and health challenges, both personal and in our close family. But when it comes to emotionally charged topics, we often get stuck in a painful loop. Whenever I try to bring up something vulnerable, like feeling alone in the relationship or needing more shared responsibility, he tends to get defensive or upset, and if things escalate, he withdraws completely. Sometimes for days, no repair, no closure, just silence. I know we likely have different attachment styles. I reach out when something's wrong and he pulls away. But knowing that hasn't stopped the cycle. Strangely, our best communication has always been through chat, especially in the early years, or when we were apart for business travel, video calls were not yet invented back then, somehow, with a little distance, we could be honest, tender, even playful. Now that we're together all the time, face to face conversations feel and get loaded and almost guaranteed to go sideways. How can we reconnect our ability to talk without spiraling into conflict or shutdown, and is it less valid to lean on writing if it helps us say what we can't seem to say out loud. Thank you for your help trying to talk without breaking us. First of all, trying to talk without breaking us. Thank you for this letter. You are describing a dynamic, I promise you, is not just in your marriage. In fact, I can't tell you how many couples I sit with that say some version of I reach out, they shut down. Then I panic, then they panic about my panic, right? It's like this dance where both of you keep stepping on each other's toes, but not because you're bad dancers. It's because no one taught you the choreography. And I want to normalize something right away. Disharmony is part of every healthy relationship. So let's get that out of our mind, that the fact that there are problems means there's a problem with the relationship. The real cycle is disharmony, repair and harmony, and then that on repeat. So we're going to be talking a bit about how to repair in effective ways for the two of you, so that you can jump back into that harmony state. And harmony is not achieved by avoiding each other. I'm sorry, but your partner's got wrong. That's really the ideal is, hey, if I allow some time between when the thing happened and the time we finally talked, things will calm down, they'll be a little bit calmer, I'll feel better, and then that'll repair it. No, it doesn't. So really the problem in your letter isn't the conflict, it's the lack of repair, the long silences, the freeze, the shutdown. We already know this. And when shutdown happens, do you know what gets activated in us, our adaptive child. So for you, the adaptive child says, Don't disappear on me. Come close. We fix things by talking. Come towards me. And for him, his adaptive child is I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I'm failing. I need distance before I make this worse. Yes, and neither of those responses is wrong. They're protective, right? They're there for a reason, but they're outdated strategies from childhood when you didn't have any better ones available. So let's break this down. Let's talk about the attachment dance that's happening, right? The reacher, I'm coming towards you, versus the withdrawer, I'm pulling away. It shows up in almost every long term relationship because your nervous systems regulate differently. You reach out because connection calms you. Silence feels like rejection, and not talking feels like a danger. He withdraws because conflict signals I'm failing. There's a big problem here that can't be fixed. Emotions feel too big, and his nervous system gets overwhelmed and shuts down. This shutdown is a version of stone walling, and it's a sign that our partner's nervous system is overloaded, like, completely flooded, and it's just their brains, way of like, look, nope. And it's not because they don't care, but because they care so much that they don't trust themselves not to make it worse, or that the situation itself. Because of their partner, you your emotions won't be made worse as well. They just don't know how to handle the emotions of it all. Think of it this way. You experience conflict as a pulling toward he experiences conflict as a pulling away to survive, not because the marriage is unsafe, but because it's uncomfortable for him at a deep emotional level. So here are some of the hidden emotions that are going on, right? It's a failure for him. It's a sense of I'm failing. I'm not enough. I'm not making her happy, and a rejection for you, he's pulling away. Obviously he doesn't love me as much as I thought. Here's the part that opened my eyes in my own marriage years ago, when I was reaching out, I wasn't angry, I was afraid, and when my husband pulled away, he wasn't angry, he felt like he was failing. Once I realized this pattern, it changed everything. So let's map this out in your letter. Right for You, more of that. Reacher, I'm coming towards you. His silence might be saying to you, I'm not worth staying for. I'm alone in this. I'm being rejected. And for him, who's the withdrawal or your vulnerability you sharing? Hey, I feel very alone in our relationship, or whatever it is you decide to share, he might be receiving the messages. I'm disappointing you. I'm in trouble. I'm failing again. It's not that the two of you don't love each other, it's that your protective systems activate in opposite directions. This is where that adoptive child takes over. Yours gets anxious and moves toward connection. His gets overwhelmed and moves away to avoid harm. Neither of you is wrong, but neither of your adoptive children is driving the marriage Well, this is where we want to bring that wise adult forward, that calm mind that's like, hey, what actually will help? And let's be honest, face to face conversations are like the hardest modality. I want to highlight this part of your letter in neon, our best communication has always been through chat. Of course, it was because face to face communication is the most emotionally loaded channel. When you're in person, your nervous systems mirror each other. Your partner's tension becomes your attention. Micro expressions, little movements in our face and our body amplify threat and historical patterns get triggered in seconds. Anything that feels like something you've been through before, together or in other relationships or throughout your life will trigger you within seconds, without you even realizing it. Writing, on the other hand, gives you both space, slows down your reactivity, lets each person stay regulated, eliminates pressure to respond instantly, right? You can take that pause before you write. Allows your wise adult to speak instead of the adaptive child. I tell my clients often, I want you to write the letter that in that moment you want to write, and then put that to the side and then sit down and go, Okay, what is the outcome I actually want to have, and how do I effectively want to get there and then write that letter? And more likely than not, you're going to pick that letter that was calmer, because you're going to be like that one is going to be the most effective. The other thing about sitting down and writing out a letter is you have a moment to say. Is this how my partner receives information? Is this what's really going to help them to understand what it is I'm trying to say? Or am I speaking to them the way that I need to receive information the way that I talk about things. If you're more of a feeler, right? And the personality difference is more thinker versus feeler, and you lead with, I'm feeling this way, a thinker is going to be like, Well, I really don't know what to do with that. A thinker likes more action oriented. Give me steps. What are the things, you know? What are the things that I can be doing, or the tools that I can use, or we can use that can improve this not I feel lonely. Okay, what more do you want me to do? Good lord, I feel like I'm doing everything, even if we might go I just need you to listen to me better. I need you to be more present and not seem like you're in different place in your mind. It's still very overwhelming for a thinker to hear from a feeler. I feel alone. I feel like you don't really see me anymore, or whatever things that may come up, right? So I often say that even if you speak the same mother tongue, you have to learn how to speak the same language when communicating everyday life situations and feelings that you have. And I often hear people. Go, Well, I just feel like I have to completely change how I communicate for my partner, for them to ever understand anything. No, no, no. It's like me living in Germany, right? I don't stop being an English speaker just because I'm learning how to speak German, I am learning a new skill set. So as we learn how to speak in a way that our partner receives it, we're learning a skill set that helps us to be more effective in our communication. It doesn't mean we change who we are. And you know what, some couples genuinely do better when they write first and talk second, and that is okay. If you find what works for you use it on repeat. I also find that the couples do really well with writing as a way to resolve issues. Also do a really good job of going for like, a 1015, minute walk and then discussing the problem, because even if it emotionally gets heated, you're not staring each other in the eyes. You don't see those body language signals of rolling the eyes, or you might hear the Huff, but as you're walking together, it also feels like you're a team. We're going towards the same goal, and it's easier to have clear discussions. So at the end of the day, disharmony is not the problem. The lengthy disconnection is when he withdraws for days. That's not just cooling off, it's stonewalling, and again, not from malice, but from emotional overwhelm and not knowing what to do next. He needs short, structured breaks. Hey, I can see you're getting flooded by this or over one by this, like, let's just take a 15 minute break, right? And really, ideally, he needs to be the one to go, Hey, I need a I need a pause, like, I'm gonna set a timer for 15 minutes, I'm gonna go for a walk and I'll come back. And he really needs a way to process without pressure. Sometimes, when we need resolution faster, we want to connect through resolution, it can push our partner further away. So instead going, Hey, I've shared my piece. Let's set a 15 minute timer. You go for a walk. I'm going to go do some things to kind of get myself on a calm state, and let's come back together. I'll get a paper and pen, and we can really write down how we want to resolve this conflict and the challenges we're facing. See, you need a predictable repair, a really clear time that he's going to come back and re engage with you, which is why that timer is helpful, and the reassurance that you're not being abandoned and that your opinions and thoughts and feelings matter and that he's going to come back to them, right? So writing is actually a very predictable bridge, if you know that if you write him an email, sharing the things that you're going through and the thoughts that you have, and writing it in a way that he's going to receive it, that that will lead to him responding like He's not the type to just go, Okay, I'm not gonna respond for five days, but like within 2448 hours, he responds. Then stick with that and talk about, hey, this will be our method. Make it something you both know and have a request, hey, within 12 hours, or 24 hours, or whatever it might be, work, travel, things like that make it difficult. But hey, within this amount of time, please always respond, even if it's a short I see it, I need some time to process right. In long term relationships, couples often outgrow the communication patterns that worked for them 10 or 20 years ago, right? Life gets heavier. Identity shift we are tolerance shifts, and even how we communicate can change, and stress changes our nervous system. So just like we as a couple, need to revisit what are our goals and what's our mission statement, what really matters to us, and because it's always evolving, your communication systems need to update too. This is why, in January 2026 I'm putting out there a communication reset for couples, because what I noticed is that communication breakdowns are the number one challenge and problem couples face that impact, connection, intimacy, trust, respect, all of it, right? So I'm going to start teaching couples exactly this so they have a structure, a framework and accountability to practice improving their communication. So if you're interested in that, make sure you check the show notes for more information. Lastly, I'll say the great thing about writing, especially emails versus a text message, I like emails better, and I like them on my laptop, where it's like bigger form and not these little short, little things my thumbs are having to do all the work, but really going let me look at this. Let me take a moment to see everything that I've written in a bigger form, versus just hit send. I think it allows us, one, to be more reflective, and two, that we can track progress we've made as a couple Wow. Did you notice that last time we had the argument, we resolve things much faster by identifying what steps need to be taken next. What are the things that we want to do differently, right? Like, you'll start to see the patterns that help you improve. So here are my tips for you guys. The first one is, I want you to use sort of like the pause and return method, versus disappear, and then hopefully we recover. Say out loud. And this is something you encourage your partner do too. Like, hey, I need 15 minutes. I need 20 minutes. I'm going to set a timer. I'll come back, and in that time, do things to calm your nervous system. This can be watching a funny video, listening to music, stomping, going for a walk, dancing, whatever it might be, you got to shift your nervous system into I'm safe. Everything is calm. It's okay for you. It's going to help your nervous system know he's not rejecting me. He'll come back in that 20 minutes, right? The calm? Conversation isn't over, and repair will happen to the best that it can. It also gives him space to regulate without the guilt or pressure. Two, I want you guys to create a shared writing channel for your hard topics, not in the same Chat, where you talk about groceries or dentist appointments or like, Hey, can you pick up red right? A dedicated space an email thread or a shared note, or even a Google Doc, where you can write what you're feeling, what you're needing, what the conversation is really about, and Writing helps our wise adult speak instead of that adopt a child. And again, we can edit, right? So make sure you create a separate channel for this. And the third tip is to really be careful about how you present the information, right? Because when one partner feels like a failure, too many words feel like too many demands. So I would start with a structure like this. Here's what I'm feeling, here's what I need, here's how you can succeed with me, right? Or, like, help us to succeed, or help Yeah, it's really more about help me to succeed in this, even in your email writing, or however you're going to do it, you can really put number one, here's what I'm feeling blah. Number two, here's what I need, blah. And number three, here's how you can succeed with me, like, here's how we together can help this improve. It builds confidence instead of triggering shame. And honestly, I think when we have that routine of how we speak to each other or how we write this out, it makes it easier to read. It it makes it easier to flow with. So here's an extra homework that I think will help all of us. I want you to choose one reoccurring conflict that you have with your partner, something kind of smallish that reliably activates this dance you guys have, right the pursuer like I'm coming towards you to repair things. I'm pulling away because I, you know, I don't feel like repair could ever happen. So write that down again, something kind of smallish, but always activates that dance. Then I want each of you to write a one page letter answering what part of this conflict makes you feel rejected or overwhelmed or like a failure? What does your adaptive child tend to do? Like, what's your gut response that you realize later, could have done that differently. What does your wise adult want to do instead? That part of you that's logical, that thinks through, hey, this could lead to bad things, right? What is one specific thing you need from your partner in those moments that would help? Okay? And then this is the important part. Exchange the letters, but do not discuss them for 24 hours. Let your nervous system digest first. Okay, the next day, I want you to try to have a 15 minute conversation where each of you shares one thing that surprised you and one thing you can try this week. That's it. It doesn't need to be a big discussion about I don't agree with this. This doesn't make sense. One thing that surprised you and what was written. One thing you can try this week, keep it small, doable and kind okay, if you do this, you'll start breaking the shutdown cycle faster than you think, because that's the key. Is we're not getting into the shutdown cycle that seems to be happening in your relationship. Okay, so dear, trying to talk without breaking us. I hope that these tips give you a framework and a path to start taking together and understand that the writing is a great thing when used in a way that is focused again, if we put it in the same text message chain as like, can you pick up the bread and were you supposed to pick up the laundry or whatever, right? Like, it just gets mixed up. Really? Have it in its separate own channel that you both agree, yep, this is the best place for it, right? It creates contained boundaries around those difficult conversations you have a marriage that has survived, moves, parenting, health issues, global shifts. You already know how to do hard things together. You just need a new way of communicating that honors who you both are. Now, writing is not a shortcut. It's a bridge. Use it as long as you need it and as long as it's effective. And if you realize something like a communication reset, learning the tools to effective communication together would be helpful. Check that out in the link below. Okay, all right, you guys, until next time, remember this is a time for us to evolve as a couple, and it is a choice you're growing, and growth is messy, beautiful and major human work we all should be doing. If you would like to submit a dear Katie letter, I would love to answer yours in 2026 so make sure to click the link below that says, Dear Katie and submit your anonymous letter. Okay, until next week. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection too, and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards totally worth the effort. See you next week.