Hey friends, welcome back to the show. Today, we're doing one of my absolute favorite formats, a dear Katie episode. These are the moments where I get to sit with you like we're having coffee together, pour over a real life relationship dilemma and offer some clarity, strategy and maybe a little humor to lighten the load and the topic we're tackling today, family visits, cultural differences, emotional shutdowns and holiday pressure, a very spicy cocktail to say the least, especially when you've been together for over 10 years and you suddenly hit a rupture you didn't see coming. So grab a warm drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship, reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild. The podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed of, because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. Okay, here is today's letter, dear Katie, my husband and I have been married for over 10 years. We've had ups and downs, but always found our way back to each other, until lately, a recent fight about household responsibilities escalated just before my parents came to visit from abroad. While they were staying with us, my husband was visibly cold and even rude to them, including switching to his native language, which they don't speak during a group conversation, I only found out recently how uncomfortable and unwelcome they felt. We're supposed to spend Christmas with my family, my parents, siblings and extended family, and I'm dreading it. I'm afraid we'll repeat the tension and damage the family dynamic even more. How do I raise what happened with my husband in a way that helps us repair without spiraling into another multi day conflict, and how do I handle the upcoming trip when it already feels like a pressure cooker? Thanks. Worry before the wreck. Okay? Worry before the wreck first. Thank you for your honesty. You're carrying multiple layers of pressure, partner tension and cultural dynamics, family expectations and the holidays and they're looming around like a giant emotional deadline. You're not imagining the dread Your body is like, Nope, I'm not doing another round of that chaos. And why would you so let's talk about what actually happened with this last visit with your family and your husband. Because on the surface it looks like this coldness and disrespect, but underneath it, I guarantee you, something very different was playing out in his nervous system. When we're already frustrated with our partners, especially around something as loaded as household responsibility, our emotional bandwidth shrinks. I mean, think about that for yourself as well, right? We're just not going to be as tolerant. And then your parents arrive, foreign visitors, different culture, different language, different expectations, but you guys speak a common language together, which is probably neither of your mother tongue, or if it's only one of your mother tongue, then your husband, who had to switch to his mother tongue out of frustration, probably has to always be thinking and translating in a language that you guys can all share. And with all of this comes different expectations. So suddenly there's no space for him to be dysregulated privately. Everything is happening under the watchful eye of people he may already have felt insecure around. Right when our in laws come to visit, especially with cultural differences and language differences, there will be insecurity. Do they like me? Is this enough, and how am I presenting myself? Do they understand me, whether we actively realize it or not? So what do we do when we feel cornered over, stimulated or powerless? We reach for control in the quickest way possible. And for him, switching to his native language was exactly that, a subtle but very real, regaining of power and grounding. Think of it like this. He couldn't control the household fight from earlier. He couldn't control the dynamic with your parents. He couldn't control how on display he felt. He couldn't control how overwhelmed or ashamed he might have been, but he could control the language he used. Language is incredibly primal. It's home, it's safety, it's familiarity, it's grounding. It's a nervous system shortcut back to a place where he feels competent and anchored, but for everyone else, it reads as exclusion, distance, even hostility. This is where the rupture happened, his attempt to regulate whether good or bad, right felt like rejection to your parents and disrespect to you. That doesn't excuse the behavior at all, but it does explain how it happened, and understanding the why changes how you approach the repair. And I would just want to share when I talked about he couldn't control. Don't think about control as this power hungry type thing. We all like to have control in our situations, we have to have an understanding and feel like we're competent in what we're doing. And when we're dysregulated, we all feel less control so now that we understand the internal storm potentially that he was managing, overwhelm, shame, loss of control, cultural vulnerability, frustration. Let's talk about your side of this, because you're also holding the embarrassment of not knowing your parents felt unwelcome, the loyalty pool between your family of origin and your family of choice, the fear of repeating the entire mess of the holidays, and the exhaustion of feeling like the mediator, the buffer, the emotional interpreter for everyone. That's not a lot, that's too much, and what happens in these moments is that couples stop seeing the pattern and start seeing each other as the problem. But this is a pattern problem, not a partner problem. So let's break this into the three places this situation needs attention. First is the rupture that happened weeks ago. Second is the conversation you need to have now. And third is the plan you build for the upcoming holiday. This is how we shift from a power struggle to a repair cycle between the two of you. So first, the rupture that happened weeks ago. Okay, let's focus there. Here's the truth. Most long term couples don't realize a rupture doesn't heal just because the moment passed. It heals when it's acknowledged, when it's understood, when you repair it and integrate it into your relationship story in a healthier way. Right now, you're both in a low level version of what Terry real likes to call the adoptive child mode. You're protecting yourselves instead of collaborating, and that makes complete sense when we feel misunderstood or criticized, the adoptive child grabs the wheel. Your adoptive child might be saying, I can't trust him in front of my family. I don't want to babysit everyone's emotions again. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells. His adaptive child might be saying, I seem to be the bad guy No matter what, I'm being judged by people who don't even understand me. I'm overwhelmed, and no one cares what I'm going through. Two adaptive children cannot have a productive conversation, they can only have a power struggle. So right now, our goal is to wake up that wise adult in both of you, the part that can do repair, empathy, accountability and partnership, but it's all in how you go about it. So let's talk about now the conversation you need to have. I want to walk you through exactly how to approach this conversation so it doesn't turn into another multi days spiraling argument, or everybody shutting each other out. This is the structure I teach in my argument, fix workshop and in my coaching. Work with couples. First regulate before you communicate. No, we need to talk ambushes. Okay? No, bringing it up while someone's Tired, hungry, doing the dishes in the car, nothing like that. Choose a planned, emotionally neutral window. Say, Hey, I want to talk through something important, not to fight, but to get more aligned about our holiday plans. When's a good time for us to talk for about 1520 minutes? Do you notice I said 15 to 20 minutes? Not two hours, not I don't know. We're just going to talk forever. We're going to talk this out to the end 15 minutes, 15 to 20 minutes. Always feel safe, right? Like you know there's going to be an ending. And sometimes I even have people put the timer on and go, Okay, you might still have stuff to talk about, but take a break. Next, I want you to begin with the why anchor this to your shared values, so his nervous system doesn't go into shutdown or defense immediately. I love you, and I want our families to feel good around us. I want us to feel like a team when we're with them. You're setting the tone. This is partnership, not prosecution, right? Then the third thing is, describe the impact, not the accusation. I really love how the gottman's do this with a soft startup. You can try, hey, when you switch languages and pull it back during my parents visit, they later told me they felt uncomfortable and unwelcome, and it left me feeling stuck in the middle, worried about both them and us. Notice what's not happening here. Know you were rude. You embarrassed me. Know what is wrong with you, just the impact, which lowers defenses dramatically, and I can hear you, there might be a part that's like, well, I don't really want my partner to know that my parents told me this, whether they told you or not, he is probably aware that's there. Let's be honest. And sometimes being able to understand how we impacted those around us gives us a chance to go, let me look in the mirror, and maybe I should fix this. Okay, so don't be scared to share that. Okay, the next Katie Roessler 9:23 thing is, you're going to invite his experience into the conversation. This step is the key to making sure his adaptive child doesn't come roaring out. It might still but we're doing our best to keep it at bay. You ask, Can you help me understand what was happening for you that day or that week, right? Like in particular. And then here's the hard part. Stop talking. Don't say anything. Don't interrupt, don't correct when things happen. Well, that's not how that happened. That's what you did. You want to listen because what you're listening for is, Why did his adaptive child shut down, get quiet, isolate and switch to his mother tongue. You're like a detective, listening for the information, not to use it against him, but to understand. So stop talking. Don't interrupt, don't correct. Who cares if he got the order of something correctly? No, she said that, and then I said this, and then you said that. No, leave that alone. Please stop fighting about the facts, using information as a weapon is really just unproductive in these types of discussions. You want to listen. Let him unpack it. Maybe he felt judged, maybe he felt like the outsider. Maybe he was still raw from this household responsibility fight. Maybe he panicked and grabbed the one thing he could control, which was his language. Maybe he didn't fully realize how it landed and affected your parents. Maybe he did and felt too ashamed to repair. Shame is the number one killer of repair attempts, by the way, and men especially often shut down when shame hits. You might know it as stonewalling. Your curiosity is what diffuses shame. You're curiously asking. You're not there to attack, and if you have a habit of correcting or getting defensive or emotional as your partner talks, he may go straight into defensive mode. So assure him you just really want to understand to help prevent things in the future, like you want to be a support for him. That's what you're doing. Then lastly, I want you to collaborate on the repair. You bring the focus forward, not to what happened in the past. I'm not bringing this up to relive the fight. I'm bringing it up because holidays are coming, and I want this to go differently for both of us. What would help you feel more grounded and in control when we're with my family? And here's what would help me, right? Like you're going to ask him for his what he needs, and you're going to share and this is what would help me and make sure it's something realistic, and it's about bringing the two of you together as a team. That is the key. Go back to being on the same team. Okay, now let's plan for this holiday trip. Okay, we need a strategy that protects both of you from around two of this problem, of this fight. So there are two layers here. You have an emotional plan. This includes a timeout system, hey, I need 20 minutes. And they couldn't just say it to each other, like, hey, I need 20 minutes and then go for a walk. That's fine. And the other covers for them, right? With the family, you need a code word for overwhelm, some type of quick regulation ritual, whether it's again, a walk around the block or taking three deep breaths, whatever's the thing that you know helps each of you. It might be different for both of you. Then nightly, a 10 Minute debrief to course correct. Hey, didn't like how you said that thing. Hey, that really frustrated me. Hey, I feel like you're getting really sensitive to these things that my parents say. Be able to take 10 minutes every night so that you know, hey, we're on the same team. Let's review. How did this work? What would we like to do differently tomorrow so nothing adds on to the next day? This is how a couple stays in that wise adult brain, right? This is how we stay in that mode, instead of sliding back into old patterns. Now let's do the practical plan. This is what I call the chief household officer side of things, who handles what during the visit? What social expectations need to be clarified? What cultural pressures need naming? Let's say them out now. How long is this trip actually manageable? And what are each of your non negotiables? High achieving couples thrive when the expectations are crystal clear and shared, not assumed or silently resented. This is how you prevent power struggles from becoming emotional shrapnel. Okay, let's pull this into some concrete, doable steps you can do this week, because talking about the dynamic is helpful, but having a plan you can literally try today, that's where the magic happens. Okay? So you can use what I like to call a 15 minute repair conversation structure. And those look big, but that's what it is. This one is non negotiable. Please hear me on this. It is non negotiable your script outline, so you don't have to guess is one, can we talk for 15 minutes about something important, not to fight, just to get in line before our holiday trip? Then two, I want us to feel like a team when we're with my family. Then three, when you switch languages, my parents felt unwelcome and I felt caught in the middle. Then four, what was happening for you in that moment? I'd like to better understand silence. Listen, this is the single most important preventative tool for avoiding multi day arguments. Why? Because it keeps both nervous systems out of fight, flight or freeze long enough to get to the actual point so you really know what was going on. I'm going to be honest with you, and this is, again, why I love the gottmans. They have so much great research. Their research repeatedly shows that the first three minutes of a conversation determine the entire outcome. So we want to set you up for success from the jump, and we want to make sure you're quiet and listen so that you can receive the information that you're actually looking for. Then when you guys get through the Okay, this is what happened. And you want to create that plan, create kind of like a holiday stress map, right? Like, here's our map. This is what we want to do. Share what overwhelms you on these visits, be willing to hear what your partner says. I think often we get into defensive mode when our partner talks what we think maybe negatively Well, when you guys go and do this, or maybe it's a tradition that you love but your partner doesn't, it's okay. You're from different cultures, different backgrounds, different families. It's okay. So each of you write down what overwhelms you, what helps you stay grounded, what expectations feel heavy or unclear, and what expectations feel good in like, yeah, that makes sense. What is it? Do you need from your partner? Then swap right? Give that paper to your partner, and two things can happen instantly. You stop personalizing each other's stress response because you're seeing on paper the needs, wants and the already their problems and the ways to work through them. The next thing is you stop assuming the other person should know better. Let's get out of that mindset. Clarity helps us. Nothing brings clarity faster than getting your internal world on paper. So I would recommend doing that after that conversation. And then this is my third tip, which I love using, and I remind all of my clients in the holiday season to use it. Create a code word for overwhelm. It sounds small, but it's huge. Pick a word you'd never normally say in conversation, something funny works well, because it keeps the tone a little bit softer between the two of you. So you'd be like pineapple side quest, plot twist, or, for my mean, a couples schnitzel. When one of these says the code word, it means I'm overwhelmed. I need help regulating. Please step in, protect the vibe. Get me out of this conversation gracefully, whatever it might be. There's no judgment, no shame, just teamwork. This gives your partner another way to access control, not by withdrawing or switching languages, but by signaling his needs safely. And then make sure you plan those micro check ins at the end of the day. They need to be important. Stick with this please. You're going to ask each other, how are you doing today? Anything overwhelming so far? Anything we need to tweak for tomorrow? My husband and I have different cultures, different communication styles and different family expectations, and doing things like this, where we can come back together, helps us feel like we're on the same team. Okay, so to wrap us up, your homework for the week, and I want you to actually do this, because it sets up everything else. Have that 15 minute repair conversation. Set a timer. Stick to the structure. Do not try to solve the holidays in the same conversation, right? This might be several 15 minute conversation, but please notice that I didn't say you need to justify, defend, or get into any of those things with your partner. I want you to understand I am not devaluing what your side of the story is. But you said, he pulled away. He got quiet. You don't know. You know what your parents thought. You know what you think. You need to know what he was thinking, and you need to know what he was feeling. And from that you can then reflect on, can I see it from his shoes? Can I stab in his shoes and experience it in the same way? Would I feel the same way if this was switched, yes, I may not have acted the same way. You guys are different people. You're going to act differently. But can I understand the feelings that he had and he acted out of his adaptive child, that little kid in him that has felt this way before, as an outsider, not good enough, whatever it might be, right, shame all that. And he acted in that place, but I know how that feels like if we can sit with that empathy, then we can go, Hey, I don't want you to feel that this next visit. And I also really want my parents to feel like they're not connected with you, because you are all the most important people to me. So let's work on this together. Okay, that's it. Do the repair. First strategy comes second, and this will prevent the overwhelm and keep both of you in that wise brain, rather than sliding into that adaptive child territory. So worried before the wreck, you've got some homework to do, but I tried to outline and structure it pretty clearly so there's no guesswork here. You'll know exactly what to do. And for those of you are listening who are in similar Katie Roessler 18:59 situations, use the same structure, just apply it in the way that makes sense to your relationship. And what happened long term relationships aren't just about avoiding conflict. They're about repair and clarity and designing and structuring things to be better in the future. The more intentional you are, the faster you move out of disharmony and back into connection, just like the research shows, and if you want support creating your plan before the holidays, or you want help having these hard but important conversations, you can always book a relationship game plan. Call with me. They're complimentary, they're 45 minutes, and it's a dedicated space where we look specifically at your dynamic, your patterns and your next steps together. You don't have to figure this out alone anymore. All right, that's it for today's dear Katie episode. As always, if you would like to submit one look in the show notes, click the link that says Dear Katie and submit yours anonymously. I would love to be able to support you and your partner through one of these episodes too. Take care of yourselves and I'll see you next week.