You're amazing at communication with your clients. You can lead a meeting, manage a team like a pro, but then you come home, and somehow all of that brilliance just goes right out the window. You're sitting across from your partner, and suddenly it's like every calm, articulate part of you gets replaced by someone who either wants to shut down or prove a point. One sigh, one sideways comment, and boom, you're defensive, explaining, managing or just retreating to your phone, thinking, I literally get paid to communicate. Why can't I do it here? If you've ever thought that you are absolutely not alone, and I want you to know it's not because you're bad at communication. It's because the part of your brain that leads in business is not the same part that connects in love. Today we're going to talk about why your communication brilliance at work doesn't automatically translate at home, and how to bridge that gap. I'm going to make sure you understand why your nervous system switches from CEO mode to adaptive child mode when you talk to your partner, and how to bring your calm, confident self back online when it matters most. So grab a warm drink and probably paper and pen and let's get started. Katie Roessler 1:15 Welcome to relationship reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild, the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. Let me tell you a quick story. A while back, I had a couple in one of my workshops who were both entrepreneurs, total powerhouses. I like to call them the Alpha couple. They ran a business together, had a team of 10, and every employee raved about how aligned they were as leaders, you guys are so amazing. I bet your relationship is so wonderful. Just lead everything perfectly. But at home, they could barely get through weekend without tension. She'd say, you treat me like I'm your assistant. And he'd say, you talk to me like I'm one of your employees. They weren't trying to be unkind. They were just using the same communication frameworks that worked beautifully at work. They'd schedule check ins, they design tasks, they'd circle back for feedback. Sounds very business like, right? They were efficient, organized and utterly disconnected. And I get it because I've done it too. There have been times I've caught myself saying to my husband things like, Okay, let's get aligned on our plans for this weekend, like we're about to launch a new service, or I've given him feedback instead of empathy. It comes so naturally when you live in a world of structure, strategy and optimization. But here's the truth, when you build companies, your nervous system learns to perform, not to connect, to anticipate outcomes, not emotions, to be right rather than to be real. And the same habits that make you extraordinary in business, can make you miserable in love if you're not intentional, because what's really happening underneath those moments of miscommunication isn't about skill, it's about old wiring. So let's talk about the business brain versus the relationship brain. At work, your brain is optimized for clarity, efficiency and results, right? You're trained to lead with logic, to manage your emotions, to stay composed. Those traits are assets of business, but relationships, they don't run on logic. They run on emotional attunement. They're not KPI driven. They're connection driven, and that's where the disconnect happens, because when you're in a disagreement with your partner, and you slip into problem solving mode. Here's what we need to do next time. Let's try it this way. You're using your business brain in an emotional arena. It's like trying to use your accounting software to write poetry. Technically, you could, but it's going to feel cold and formulaic. Here's the rule of thumb I teach. You can win at work by being right. You can only win at home by being real. So when something feels tense, ask yourself, am I trying to fix this or feel this? If it's the first you're in your work brain, if it's the second you're in your connection? Brain. Now let's layer in something deeper, the part most entrepreneurs and business minded individuals miss in my couples work, we talk a lot about your adaptive child. That's the version of you that learned very early in life how to survive through emotional and mental challenges, right the tension that we felt at home or at school, maybe you learned to be the peacemaker, the overachiever, the one who always kept a. Together, maybe you learned to withdraw when things felt overwhelming, or to argue louder so you wouldn't feel small. Those patterns helped you back then, they were adaptive, but now as an adult, those same habits become maladaptive, especially in your marriage. Here's how this plays out, the people pleaser who avoids conflicts becomes the partner who never speaks up until resentment builds. The Fixer who learned love meant solving problems becomes the partner who can't sit with emotions without offering a solution. The perfectionist who chased gold stars now needs validation before they can rest. And the defender who grew up needing to protect themselves reacts to every piece of feedback as an attack. Any of those sound familiar? Probably so in those moments, you're not arguing with your partner, you're arguing with your own eight year old self, or whatever age it was that you experienced that turmoil and challenge, who learned what love required to stay safe and until you recognize that your incredible adult communication skills won't even have a chance to show up, because when the adaptive child takes the mic, the CEO in you disappears, that calm, articulate leader gets replaced by someone running old scripts, prove, defend, fix or hide. And that's why so many high achievers tell me, I feel like a completely different person at home you are because your childhood patterns of running the meeting. So here's the missing step, intentional awareness. We love systems. We assume if we learn a skill once, we can just replicate it, right? But emotional regulation isn't an automatic transfer. It has to be intentional. One of the simplest tools I teach is what I call the pause between modes before you walk in the door, take 10 seconds to ask yourself, Am I walking into my home as the performer or the partner? Then do a three breath reset. If you've attended any of my workshops or worked with me one on one, you know this one well. First breath, you let go of everything that happened all the way up until that moment. Second breath, you ground yourself in the moment, feeling your feet firmly planted on the ground and feel a sense of like rooting down. And then that third breath is opening yourself up to communication, connection, curiosity, aha, moments, right? Just really opening yourself up to being present. That's it. It's a 32nd ritual that tells your nervous system we're safe, we're home, we can soften now, because if you don't intentionally transition out of performance mode, your adaptive child would do it for you and not gracefully, they'll pick a fight, they'll shut down, or they'll retreat into busyness. So we create the pause to help the adult, wise minded self come back online before any words are even spoken. So let's talk about this adult wise mind. When you're triggered, you have two options. You can speak from your adaptive child, which now is maladaptive in adulthood, or you can speak from that adult wise minded point of view, your adaptive child reacts, your adult wise minded self responds. The goal isn't to never get triggered. That's impossible. The goal is to recognize which version of you is speaking before you open your mouth. Here's a little framework you can use. It's called the three n's. Notice name nurture. Notice the trigger. My chest got tight. I want to roll my eyes. I feel like I want to huff, then name which part of you is online. This feels like the part of me that hates being wrong. This feels like the part of me that never gets heard and then last nurture yourself before responding. Take a deep breath and maybe even say out loud, give me a second. I'm getting reactive. I just need to take a breath. That tiny pause can change everything because your partner doesn't need your pitch deck or your best argument like you're before a judge. They need your presence. Let me give you an example. Instead of saying, Why would you say that? That's your adoptive child, you could say that comment's done. I need a minute before I respond. That's your adult wise self. One is a reaction, the other is a internal regulation. And when you practice responding from your adult, wise minded self, your communication skills finally get to shine in your relationship without the old habits hijacking them. Let's pull this together into a few practical, doable shifts. Okay, so the first tip I want to give you is do a daily mode, check in, ask yourself, who's running the show right now, my CEO or my eight year old self or 13 year old, whichever version of you likes to come out when you're triggered, right if you feel the need to control, correct or withdraw, that's probably your adaptive child. If you feel curious, calm and compassionate. That's that adult, wise minded self. They're taking the lead doing that daily check in mode. Even in your work, you might go, Oh, hey, wait the Adopt a shot is coming out in here too. It's good for you. Just be more aware. Tip number two, use micro pauses before you respond. Even one breath can move you back into your wise adult self. You don't have to meditate for an hour. You just have to interrupt the autopilot and get intentional tip number three, replace efficiency with empathy. Now I'm speaking to my more thinking minded listeners here at work. Efficiency builds success at home, it builds distance. So when your partner's upset, don't jump into let's fix this instead. Say, I want to understand what you're feeling before we figure out what to do. That one sentence can turn a defensive moment into a connected one fast. Okay, here's a bonus tip. Try a connection debrief instead of a logistics debrief once a week. Instead of discussing schedules or to do, spend 15 minutes asking what felt good between us this week. What's one thing we could do to feel more connected next week? No spreadsheets, no presentation, just presence. I like to call this a couples check in. So here's your challenge for this week. Sometime in the next seven days, have one intentional conversation, where you consciously switch out of business mode before you start, do your three breath reset that I've shared about earlier. Then during the conversation, notice what happens in your body. If you feel yourself getting defensive, rushing or shutting down, pause, ask yourself quietly which part of me is talking right now. Then after the conversation, reflect with your partner or in your own journal. Did I lead with performance or with presence? What part of me showed up the most, the adopt a child or the adult by self, and what did I learn about how I want to show up next time? That's it, one conversation, one intentional pause and reflecting on what worked and what you want to do differently. That's how rewiring starts. So here's what I want you to take away today, your communication skills didn't disappear when you got married. They just got buried under old wiring. The same brilliance that makes you an incredible entrepreneur or leader in your work can make you an extraordinary partner if you learn to lead from the adult wise self. So the next time you catch yourself thinking, I'm great at communication, just not with my spouse. Remember, you don't need new skills. You need new awareness. And if you're ready to figure out which patterns are running your relationship, your adoptive child versus your business brain or your true, wise adult self, book a relationship game plan. Call with me. We'll pinpoint the habits keeping you stuck and create your personalized roadmap to communicate with connection, not control, because being successful in business and fulfilled in love are not mutually exclusive. You just need to learn to speak both languages, all right, friends, that's it for today's episode. Go have your connection conversation. Take your three deep breaths, and I'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection to and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards totally worth the effort. See you next week.