Do you ever feel like you're the one holding everything together, the schedules, the emotional check ins, even remembering to buy new toothpaste, like if you stopped spinning the plates, the whole house of cards would just fall if you're nodding right now, you're not imagining it, you're probably carrying a lot of the emotional labor today, we're unpacking why emotional labor overload drains your connection, why it leads to resentment, and most importantly, how to share the love without starting another argument. That sounds like I do everything around here. We're going to talk about what emotional labor actually is, how it quietly sneaks into long term relationships, and some steps to start redistributing it so that you both feel more like partners and less like manager and intern. So grab a warm drink and let's dive in. Unknown Speaker 0:50 Welcome to relationship reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild. The podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. I want to start us off saying thank you so much for being a listener, especially those who've been listening for a while, we have hit over 10,000 downloads, and I got really emotional this weekend as I read that, and just so excited that so many people were being impacted by this podcast. It's important to me that it reaches as many as possible to give free, actionable advice to working on our relationships, especially those of us who've been together with our partner for a long time. So again, thank you so much for helping the podcast hit that milestone and continue to listen. Make sure you subscribe, so that you'll know when the next episode comes up next week. Okay, let's dive into this topic. I'll be really honest. I used to think my husband just didn't see the mental load. But then I realized something. It wasn't that he didn't care, it was that he literally didn't have visibility into the invisible work. I'd say things like, I'm exhausted, and he'd respond, but I helped with bedtime, and I'd want to scream, because the exhaustion wasn't just from doing things, it was from thinking about everything that needed to be done, the planning, anticipating, reminding, worrying, and when you're the default project manager for love, life and logistics, it's only a matter of time before you burn out emotionally. If you've ever thought, I'm tired, but I can't stop that's emotional labor overload. So let's talk about what emotional labor really means. Let's start with clarity. Emotional labor isn't just being emotional or talk about feelings. It's the mental and emotional management of your relationship and family life. It's remembering what your partner stressed about at work. It's planning your in laws visit so it goes smoothly. It's being the first to notice when something's off and trying to fix it before it becomes a thing. In short, it's the unpaid, unspoken job of caring for how everyone feels, and that job matters. It keeps connections alive, but when one person does 90% of it, it starts to feel like being the unpaid CEO of a company called our relationship Inc. And I've said it before in workshops that I've led, that no company thrives when one executive runs every department that's exhausting. So it shouldn't be the same in our homes and in our families, but we need to talk about why high achieving couples are especially prone to this. If you're a high achiever, listen up. We're used to efficiency. We see a problem, we fix it, we plan, we execute, we move on and in relationships that, quote, get it done. Energy can backfire. Instead of saying, hey, let's figure this out together. Our brain goes, I'll just handle it. I've got it. But here's the catch. Every time we take something off our partner's plate without discussion, we reinforce a silent pattern, I'm the one who knows, cares and manages, and then we start resenting them for not reading our mind. It's a vicious cycle. So if you've ever found yourself thinking, Why do I have to ask for help? Why can't they just see it? That's your sign that emotional labor is out of balance. Now this might sound like we're going deeper, but it's actually super important. As a child, you learned adaptive ways to getting through life, right? Even if you had a great childhood, there were particular things that you learned to just get through. These were typically our early coping patterns and how we dealt with things that frustrated us or that gave us negative emotions right then, as we get older, they become maladaptive. They don't help us anymore, but we still do them because they helped us cope for so long. They show up in our adult relationships, and if you grew up needing to anticipate emotions to keep the peace in your family of origin, maybe you had a stress parent or conflict made you anxious. You learn that staying safe meant staying ahead. I'm going to repeat that. You learned that staying safe meant staying ahead. You needed to be able to prepare for what would come so you could go ahead and make sure you would stay safe in those situations. And again, safety doesn't have to mean that there was abuse going on. It might be that you didn't enjoy conflict, or you had a parent who was a little more emotional and that felt uncomfortable, so you became the emotional radar. And now as an adult, you can't not notice everyone's moods. Your nervous system is trained to scan for emotional weather patterns, like hurricane coming, tornado over there. Oh, these are clear skies for you. Okay, I don't have to worry about you anymore. But here's the thing, your partner might not have the same wiring. They might genuinely not feel the shift in tone, the tension in the air, or the unspoken something's wrong, so you end up carrying it, not just because you want to, but because your body literally learned that it had to. Understanding this doesn't excuse the imbalance, but it helps us approach it with compassion. Instead of criticism. So let's talk about the power dynamics, because emotional labor often mirrors control. When we're overloaded, part of us wants help, but another part doesn't trust that help will be done right? Sound familiar? It's that moment when you say, Never mind, I'll do it myself, or you tell them you never do it right anyways, and underneath that a mix of exhaustion and control. Here's what's wild. When you take over everything, you unintentionally train your partner and family members not to participate. They stop initiating because you're already five steps ahead, then you resent them for not helping, and they feel shut out. No one wins. Shifting that means letting go perfection, let the towels be folded differently, let the conversation happen in your partner's own timing. Because partnership isn't about one person doing it best. It's about both people learning how to share the emotional field imperfectly. So there's an interesting phenomenon that happens in relationships where one of you will play out what I like to call the Maximizer, and one of you will play out the minimizer, and it will change. You will rotate which role you play. But in particular, when we look at things like goal setting, envisioning, one of you is probably the Maximizer. I have this great idea we should do this. It would be amazing, and your partner often becomes the minimizer, to balance out the energy of the system with well, how is that practical? How are we going to make that happen? I'm not sure you know what you exactly mean by this. And those questions make the Maximizer come down in their energy to match the minimizer. But sometimes we go too far down and get really sad and angry because we have not learned how to approach our partner who might be the minimizer in certain categories, in a more balanced way, so that it doesn't affect us when they ask 20 Questions. Well, when it comes to this Maximizer minimizer effect, it can happen as well with emotions and emotional labor. It's like an emotional seesaw. The Maximizer, usually the one carrying more emotional labor, pushes for connection, check ins solutions. The minimizer pulls back, needing space, so the Maximizer pushes harder, and the minimizer retreats further, until you both end up in this strange emotional stalemate where no one feels seen to break that the Maximizer has to practice pausing, creating space for the other person to show up, and the minimizer has to practice leaning in, even if it feels Unknown Speaker 8:22 uncomfortable. If you listen to my episode about anxious and avoidant attachment, then you're hearing some of these similar things, right? Maximizer probably has more of the anxious attachment. Minimizer probably has more of the avoidant attachment. When it comes to certain topics, when the maximizer is able to pause and the minimizer is able to lean in, that's how you rebalance emotional labor by learning to tolerate each other's discomfort long enough to meet in the middle. But we need to talk about something even bigger than all of that. Why do we confuse emotional labor with love? This is a tough truth many of us, especially women who are listening. We're raised to believe that managing emotions is love. We were taught that being the nurturer, the remember, the smoother. Over is part of caring, and yes, empathy is a form of love, but over functioning isn't over functioning steals the opportunity for your partner to rise when you do everything, your partner never gets to experience the satisfaction of contribution or the discomfort that leads to growth. Love thrives in mutual responsibility, not rescue. We need to remove this attachment to doing things is what will get us love. It's not in our actions. It's in who we are, but over time, we've associated if I don't do enough, I won't be lovable. And part of our doing has been managing everybody's stuff, how they feel, what they think, anticipating what will come next. Again, love thrives in mutual responsibility, not in you, rescuing everyone. One of my favorite tools, when I talk about shared responsibility, is the household audit. But we're going to do an emotional version of this. I want you to grab a pen and paper and create two columns, column A, things I manage mentally, and then column B, how I feel about it. Examples might be, remembering your partner's family's birthdays make you feel unappreciated. Being the first to apologize after a fight makes you feel exhausted. Managing everyone's schedules makes you feel invisible once you've written your list, share it in a calm, curious moment. You can say things like, I realize there's a lot of invisible stuff I carry in my head, and it's starting to drain me. Could we look at this together and see what feels more balanced? This isn't about tallying points, and most of us are going to find that 5050 actually won't even work for our families or our relationship. But this is about visibility. When emotional labor becomes visible, empathy becomes possible, and again, your partner may show up uncomfortable over this, because they might realize there's some things that they need to be more aware of and more intentional with. They don't want to do that. They're used to it being a certain way, but that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong by presenting it and asking for a change. So let me give you some tips as you approach this. Tip number one, stop fixing. Start naming when you feel overloaded, resist the urge to fix it silently. Instead, name what's happening. Say I'm feeling the weight of managing everyone's emotions right now, or I realize I'm anticipating everything before you even get the chance to naming shifts. It from a personal failure to shared awareness. Tip number two, create emotional office hours just like you'd schedule a meeting at work. Plan A 10 minute weekly check in. I like to call them a couples check in. Ask, how are we doing each emotionally this week? What's been weighing on you? What do you need more of from me? And again, it's both of you sharing right five minutes for one, five minutes for the other. The point isn't to solve, it's to witness, to be there, to be more aware of your partner and vice versa. Emotional connection is sustained through small, consistent moments of attention, not big, grand gestures. Tip number three, trade invisible tasks. Switch one mental load task this week, maybe your partner handles all the doctor appointments and you take over the meal planning, or they start being the one to initiate emotional check ins. For a change. When both people experience each other's invisible work, appreciation can grow and resentment tends to shrink. Tip number four, last one, practice the good enough rule. Your partner won't do things your way, but good enough gets the job done and helps the relationship breathe. If it's not about safety or ethics, let good enough be enough. Remember, shared responsibility is a process, not a performance review. Good Lord, we need to stop giving out report cards and receiving them on things that really at the end of the day, doesn't matter. Okay, here's your assignment this week. Go do the emotional labor audit. Make sure you write down every emotional, mental task you do for your relationship or family and how you feel about it. Then I want you to circle the ones you actually enjoy, maybe planning birthdays or hosting particular dinners. Not everything that we do that we need to hold on to, drains us, but you might really enjoy some of them. I want you to put a star next to the ones though that drain you, so you circle the ones you actually enjoy and put a star next to the ones that drain you. Then share your list with your partner and decide, what can we share or rotate? What can we outsource or simplify, and what boundaries do we need around this? Set a 20 minute timer for this conversation. If it goes over you, pause and say, let's come back to it later. Keep it factual, not emotional. The two of you are teammates, reviewing systems, not adversaries, keeping score. Again, this isn't about fair or 5050, and it has to be this way, because more than likely, again, it may not be able to be that way, but it is about awareness, and it is about how together can we improve these things. These are systems that need to shift. And then please reward yourself afterwards. We often need to remind ourselves we did a great job of having difficult conversation, even if it was Rocky. Do something that helps you feel connected. So give each other a big hug, a six second kiss, go for a walk together, something that reminds you that this work is for your relationship, not against it. Here's the truth, emotional labor doesn't have to be invisible. When both of you see it, name it and share it, the relationship starts to feel like a partnership, again, not a performance review, because real connection isn't just about who loves more. It's about who's willing to show up, emotionally, mentally, practically, in the everyday moments that make up your life together. And just because you might be really good in one of those categories or in all three, doesn't mean your partner can't get better. Step back and allow them a chance to build upon those skills too, and if you're ready to rebalance skills and breathe again in your relationship, I'd love to help you do that book a free relationship game plan call the links in the show notes. We'll look at where your emotional labor is overextended, and I'll give you a personalized strategy to rebalance it, no blame, no shame, just clarity. You deserve to feel supported, not stretched thin. Let's make the invisible visible and lighter together. I'll see you next week.