Have you ever looked across the room at your partner, the person you've built an entire life with, and thought we're getting everything done, but I don't feel like us anymore. You're not fighting all the time. You still respect each other, you still get things done, but something's gone quiet, the spark, the laughter, that feeling of being on the same team and the same page. Yeah, it's faded. If this sounds familiar, then this episode is for you. Today's dear Katie letter comes from someone who's been married for 26 years with five children, three of whom have special needs. She and her husband are doing all the things, and yet they both feel completely done, not in an angry way, just tired. She asked the question, I think so many high achieving couples secretly wonder, do you think this can be repaired when we've gotten so used to just surviving? So grab a warm drink, maybe something with little cinnamon or honey. Since it's fall time, take a deep breath and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship. Reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild. The podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. Okay, let me read you the letter Dear Katie. I've been married 26 years, and with him for nearly 28 we have five children, and three of them have special needs. We are under consistent stress and fight or flight triggers and feel depleted most of the time. I think it's safe to say we're both burnt out. We work well as a team to coordinate our family, and we do have respect for each other, but we mostly stay together for our kids. We've grown apart sexually, and we both have had emotional affairs. We've been open about them, and we do have a good friendship, but it seems like we can't relax together or find time to reset our relationship. We've become used to just surviving. We don't really relax together, and when we are alone, we feel like we should be productive, we don't have much fun together, hence looking for that release elsewhere. Do you think this can be repaired? We've gotten so used to this pattern, and it seems to work well enough, but I fear I hold resentments because of his emotional unavailability and me feeling not prioritized. His family hasn't accepted me and my culture and personality differences to them, and that's caused strain, too. Thank you in advance. Desperate for more connection. Oh, my heart. First of all, I just want to pause and say this letter radiates courage to live that much life together, to be honest about what's working and what's not, and to still be asking, Can we repair this? That's the definition of hope. Even if you don't feel it right now, you're describing something I see all the time in long term, high responsibility, partnerships, functional disconnection, everything works, the schedules, the logistics, the teamwork, except the US. And that doesn't mean love is gone. It means your nervous systems have been in survival mode for so long that connection has become a luxury item instead of a daily need. When you live in constant fight or flight, and I mean cortisol, spiking, unpredictability, constant pressure, the body and brain literally stop prioritizing pleasure, intimacy or even curiosity, the brain goes, we'll get back to that when things calm down, except things don't calm down, so you just keep going, and you never get back to those things that are actually important too. You end up living side by side, doing all the things, but never really with each other. So no, this isn't about a lack of love or even a lack of effort. It's about a lack of safety, softness and space, and yes, it can be repaired, but not by working harder, by learning how to come down from survival mode together. You even mentioned that even when we're alone, we feel like we constantly need to be doing things you can't even take a break, whether it be alone or together, and I think that's often because we're running away from the thoughts and feelings we don't want to experience. So we stay busy. So let's unpack this letter through three key areas, because this is not about adding another item to your to do list. Okay? It's about learning how to restore your nervous system as a couple so love feels possible again. First, let's talk about what survival mode does to connection when we've lived in chronic stress, and for you, that's decades of caregiving, juggling kids with special needs, probably interrupted sleep, constant vigilance, your body learns to equate together time with problem solving. Time you sit down and your ring goes, Okay, what needs to get done? Who needs to do what? And that means, even when you try to relax, your body's like, Wait. Are we sure it's safe to relax? There must be things to get done. I talk a lot about this in my workshops, the amygdala, that little almond shaped part of your brain. It's like your body's personal security system. When it's been on high alert for years, it doesn't know how to turn off the alarm just because the danger is gone. So what happens in couples is you both end up managing life instead of living it. I'm going to say that again, what happens in couples is you both end up managing life instead of living it, you stop laughing, you stop flirting, you stop being curious, not because you don't want to, but because your systems literally forgot how the goal here isn't to force connection, it's to help your body feel safe enough to connect again. The second thing I want us to focus on is creating micro moments of safety big relationship turnarounds don't start with grand gestures. I'm sorry. They start with tiny, consistent signals of safety when we're both burnout, grand date nights feel like more work. So instead of think micro resets, there are a few examples I like to use with my clients. The first one is the three breath reset. You've heard me teach this before. You each take three deep breaths together before switching tasks or before bed. It literally tells your body, I'm safe right now. Two, one gentle touch a day, not sexual, not performative, just a hand on the shoulder, a brush of the arm, a quick hug. This reactivates oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone. It helps us to feel safe and it helps us to build trust. Three name what's going right once a day, each of you name one thing you appreciated the other person did. It might be as small as thanks for getting the kids ready. Or I noticed you made coffee that helped small acknowledgements regulate both nervous systems. It helps us feel appreciated as well. Like hey, you actually noticed what I did. Think of these like relationship physiotherapy, okay, you're retraining your connection muscle after years of tension. Lastly, I want you guys to learn how to redefine rest as connection. Here's something I want you to write down. Rest is not the absence of activity, it's the presence of safety. Rest is not the absence of activity, it's the presence of safety. Right now, your alone time feels like productivity time. You said it perfectly. When you're alone, you feel you must get the to do list done. That's your nervous system saying, If I stop, it'll all fall apart. So let's reframe rest as a shared practice instead of a personal indulgence. Here are a few ways to do that. Okay? I want you to co regulate intentionally. Five minutes of lying next to each other, no talking, no phones, just breathing, your heart rates start to sink your bodies. Remember, we're safe together. Second one is choose one. No go zone for logistics. For example, no kid or house talk in bed. That space becomes sacred again. Find your no go zone and make sure you guys stick to it. No more logistical talk in that space. It's a sacred space again. And three do something new together that requires no skill or prep, a walk without headphones, trying a silly online dance video or even playing cards. The goal is to have fun but badly, right? Like something that's just going to be awful, and who cares, but you're just going to do it for fun. That's what reignites laughter. When couples tell me, we just can't relax together. It's often because our bodies associate each other with tension. You can rewire that one safe, light hearted moment at a time, but you have to start taking the steps. I want you to know that even healthy relationships go through seasons of disharmony, repair and harmony, and then right back in that cycle that is a normal, healthy relationship. You're not broken for being in a survival phase. You're just stuck there. The work now is to shorten that cycle of disharmony, to bring the repair moments closer together. That's what makes couples resilient, not that's what makes couples resilient, not never burning out, but learning how to recover faster. So let's turn this into something you can start this week simple but not overwhelming. Okay, schedule a five minute transition together before bed or after dinner. Spend five minutes not talking about logistics. You can sit in silence. You can share one thing you're grateful for, or just breathe together. It might feel awkward at first, and that's okay. Doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. You're teaching your nervous system that calm connection is allowed next. Add one micro moment of playfulness this week that could be sending a funny me, a quick inside joke, or inviting your partner to dance for 30 seconds in the kitchen. The point isn't the activity. It's breaking the pattern of only interacting through stress and lastly, really protect your no problem zone, right? The no go zone. Pick one place or time each day. If you can't pick a place, then pick a time each day that's off limits to problem solving at breakfast time, an Katie Roessler 9:48 evening walk, whatever works, use that time to be humans, not managers. And for those of you who are high achievers and like the bonus homework I give sometimes, I'm going to give you one more concrete piece of homework for the week. I like to call it the 15 minute connection experiment. For seven days, set aside 15 minutes where you both agree, no logistics, no phones, no parenting, talk. You can sit outside, have tea, go for a walk, or just lie down together. If you need a conversation starter, try what's one thing that made you smile today, if we could have one day with zero responsibilities, how would you spend it? The point is not deep therapy. Okay, I'm not having you go deep into each other's psyches. The point is re teaching your bodies that time together can feel good again at the end of the week, check in. Did either of you notice small shifts, maybe a softer tone towards each other? A laugh or less tension. Those are the signs of nervous system repair. Dear, desperate for connection. Do you notice? And all of that, I didn't address the emotional affairs you guys had. You've already been open about it, but what you've really shared with me is you desire connection with your partner, not other partners, but your partner in your home, the one that you built your family with so dear desperate for connection. Please hear this. Your marriage is not broken. You've just been running an emotional marathon without rest stops. Connection doesn't disappear. It gets buried under exhaustion and with the smallest shifts slowing down, adding micro moments of safety and redefining rest, it can return. You've already done the hardest part. You stayed the two of you have worked on showing each other more respect, even though you've had emotional affairs and you're asking for more more connection with your partner. That's where healing begins. If you're listening and this episode resonated with you, I want to invite you to take a next step to book a free relationship game plan call. It's a chance for me to help you see what's keeping you in survival mode and how to start building a strategy for reconnection. You can schedule yours in the link in the show notes, and if you would like to submit a dear Katie letter for me to read and find the link to do so below as well. Until next time, remember your relationship isn't meant to just survive the stress. It's meant to recover from it together.