Let me ask you something personal. Have you ever crawled into bed at night next to your partner and realize you both haven't touched like really touched in weeks, or maybe you're in the kitchen together, passing each other plates and reminders about soccer practice, but you can't remember the last time you actually sat down and had a real conversation that wasn't about the bills or the kids homework or what project needs to get done on the house that week. That's what I call the invisible divorce. It's when two people are still legally married, still sharing the same address, maybe even still posting holiday photos online for everyone to see. So others think everything's good, but emotionally they're living in separate worlds. And here's the part that's sneaky. Sometimes this invisible Divorce isn't because your marriage is doomed. Sometimes it's because you're just flat out exhausted. So today, we're going to unpack what the invisible divorce actually looks like. How to tell if you're emotionally checked out versus simply burnt out, and what you can actually do about it, whether you're running on fumes or realizing you've quietly stopped hoping. Because either way, you deserve more than a marriage that just looks okay from the outside. You deserve a marriage that feels alive on the inside. So grab yourself a warm drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild, the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. So let me tell you about a couple that I worked with years ago that I noticed the invisible divorce had impacted them. They came in, sat on my couch, opposite ends, and started sharing about why they were there, right? Well, we don't really communicate. We don't really have time together. Everything's about the kids or work, feels like we're living separate lives. And the more I unpacked what was going on, the more I started noticing that there were moments where they could have been connecting, but at that point, they were so exhausted because they were saying yes to everyone else and everything else that they barely had time for each other. They barely had time to really enjoy the time they had. And they would do date nights occasionally because they knew they were supposed to. But when they had those, most of the time one of them was on their phone, or they'd end up arguing about something that really didn't matter, because we will negatively connect with each other if we can't positively Connect. That's why we'll make arguments out of really silly things. Because, I mean, at least we're getting some type of attention from our partner, right? Like, obviously you care if you're yelling at me about this, you're emotionally invested some way. It's silly what we'll do. But as this couple started sharing more and more about their relationship, I noticed they were really just trying to do their best in a season of life that they felt like was just going to constantly be this stressful. They were taking care of their aging parents. They were taking care of their kids. They both had work, and there's just this feeling like, where is there time for us? Instead of setting it up for there is time for us. We are the strong foundation and unit that needs to be there, and then everything else is supported by that. So we had to shift some things in their relationship. I've even had people break down in my office and say, I feel like we're business partners. Like it just feels like that's all we're here to do. We just talk to each other like we're in business meetings. And I've had others say I can't remember when I actually felt like a wife or a husband, like romantic. It always just feels practical. See, often it's not that somebody's trying to be mean or unloving or disconnected from you. They're just bone tired from work and everything that they've been saying yes to, and all of the commitments and responsibilities they have or believe they have, and so sitting silently to the side on their phone is like the one moment of enjoyment they get that day to just relax and escape, basically. But that's not how a marriage or a relationship gets stronger and connected, right? So one of the first things I do with a couple that comes to me and they feel like roommates, so they feel more like business partners, is I do sort of a check. Is it that you're checked out, or are you exhausted? Because those two realities feel similar on the surface, but they require very different kinds of repair. That's why it's important that we're able to point them out. So today we're going to discuss those different types of invisible divorce and what you can do then to repair them. So let's start again from the beginning. What is the invisible divorce? Think of the invisible divorce as a marriage that looks like a well run company. Okay? It's not a relationship your co CEOs. I like to call it ch OS, Chief household officers, right? And your company is called family. Inc, you're dividing up who takes who where and does pick up, making sure taxes are done. What's on the grocery list? Did you remember to pick this up? Okay? Bedtime routines, and we wanted to finally clean out the garage and paint that room, right? Like that's that's what it is. And listen in running that business, you may run a tight ship. The kids get to be where they need to be. Bills are paid, the yard is mowed, right? But intimacy and playfulness and that spark you had when you first fell in love, nope, that's gone missing. So here are what some day to day signs could include, okay, polite but shallow conversations. We know those, don't we parallel lives, sleeping in the same bed, but scrolling separate screens, not involving each other in the process, not necessarily fighting, but also no laughter. I have a lot of couples say, Well, don't really fight about anything, but you're also not really connecting and laughing. And frankly, not fighting isn't always a good sign. And then lastly, a sense of roommate energy, right? Business Partners, roommates, instead of a romantic energy. This isn't usually one big blow up. It's death by 1000 little disconnections. This is why it sneaks up on us. And here's the twist, okay, sometimes invisible divorce happens because you've emotionally left the relationship. Other times it happens because life has exhausted you, right? Like you are just done. You've gone past your capacity. So what are the signs about being emotionally checked out for you or your partner, it's a bit like a silent quitting in your marriage. If you're checked out, you'll notice one you stop caring. It's not the anger anymore. It's actually now you become indifferent. I always say to my partner, if I stop fighting with you about this, that's the problem. That's when you know there's an issue. Like if I become indifferent, just throw my hands up and go, I don't care anymore. That, to you, is big warning sign things are bad. Two, you stop trying. No more effort to plan any type of dates, no more effort to repair fights, no more reaching out to connect three. You stop hoping the internal soundtrack becomes nothing's ever going to change. Why even bother? I sometimes describe it as Katie Roessler 7:34 packing your emotional suitcase. You haven't left physically, but your heart is like already down the road unchecked. This is what leads to affairs, sudden divorces, or that dreaded phrase, I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. And here's the thing, when you're in this stage, the absence of conflict can actually be more dangerous than the presence of it. Like I was saying earlier to my husband, if I stop fighting about this, that's your warning sign, because conflict means there's still energy, still some fight left. Indifference means the connection flatlined. So what about the signs that you're just exhausted? Exhaustion, on the other hand, feels different, right? You still want closeness, you just don't have the bandwidth to pursue it. You imagine reaching for your partner's hand, but your body whispers, oh, my God, no, they're gonna probably want more, and I just don't have the energy tonight. I need sleep. You picture planning a date night, but the thought of finding a babysitter feels harder than climbing Mount Everest, oh my god. And then if they say, No, I have to find another one, and then it's just not worth it. And the key thing is that life stage transitions we go through play a huge role here the newborn season, where every ounce of your energy goes into keeping a tiny human alive, the career peak years, where long hours and high stakes drain your emotional tank. But of course, you need to pay off in quotations somehow, right? The sandwich generation, where you're juggling both your pre teens or teens and your aging parents, and for many women, perimenopause, where hormonal shifts can make everything feel heavier and more overwhelming than it used to be in these seasons, your marriage isn't broken, it's just on low battery mode, and just like your phone, when it hits 2% you don't throw it away, you plug it in, right? The challenge is, when exhaustion goes unaddressed, it can eventually look and feel a lot like emotionally being checked out, which is why we need some clarity on this, right? This is why we need to have this discussion. So I want you to picture this on a sliding scale, on one end, burnout and tiredness, and on the other end, emotionally checked out. And most couples, they're somewhere in the middle. Some days you're just tired, other days, it's resentment and you feel detached. And this is why the gottmans, who I love talking about, of course, talk about healthy marriages. Moving through a cycle. We have disharmony, we have repair, and then we have harmony again, and then back to disharmony, to something triggers us, or we're tired, or we're hangry, or whatever, and then to repair and to harmony. See, disharmony isn't the problem staying stuck there is not having the tools to repair. That's the problem. And here's another piece, when we're triggered in relationships, often it's not our wise adult self showing up. It's what Terry real calls the adaptive child, the part of us that learned early survival strategies like people pleasing or shutting down or lashing out when we're exhausted, that adaptive child takes the steering wheel and goes, I'm going to go do donuts around your emotional landscape, which means we're not actually relating to our partner from our grown up selves. We're running old childhood scripts. So being able to ask, am I tired, or am I truly done helps you pause and see where you are on that spectrum. Let's talk about, though, the problem behind the problem. Another really sneaky culprit behind the invisible divorce is confusing household management problems with relationship problems like I shared earlier. I consider our jobs taking care of a home and family as chief household officer casts, they're not literally about the relationship. They're about the things we need to do. These are like paying bills, grocery shopping, coordinating school events, planning vacations, household projects, all these things. When these tasks are lopsided or unspoken, they breed resentment, and resentment is like rust on the marriage. And here's the thing, forgetting to take out the trash isn't proof that your partner doesn't love you, it's proof that your household system is me tweaking and somebody is forgetful. But when couples blend those two categories together of household management and emotional connection, they end up fighting about laundry when what they're really starving for is intimacy. Separating those two lanes can reduce conflict and free up emotional space for connection and get us a lot more clear on what the problem actually is. So here's some practical tips, and, of course, some action steps for if you realize you're in an invisible divorce, I want you to try these three steps this week. One, do a rest audit, take out a notebook and ask yourself, what drains me most right now? What restores me most right now? What's one thing I could stop or delegate this week. Okay, so what dreams me most right now, what restores me most right now, and what's one thing I could stop or delegate this week? Maybe it's bedtime routines. Maybe it's meal prep. Maybe it's saying yes to every work request. The point is, exhaustion isn't a moral failing. It's a signal. Now, the second thing I want you to do is make one emotional reach. Instead of trying to overhaul your marriage overnight, guys, it will not do a 180 within even a week or a month. You really have to do small steps. I want you to do things like send a sweet text message in the middle of the day, brush their hand while passing in the kitchen, ask what was the best part of your day? Instead of, did you pay the electric bill? I want you to think of it like watering a wilted plant. You don't dump a gallon on it all at once and go, Okay, it's gonna live. You start with a little glass of water, and you keep showing up and remembering to water it. That's all you gotta do. Okay? And the third thing I want you to do this week is separate business from love. Sit down and make two list household tasks. That's the business side, and emotional and relational needs. That's the love side. I even say for those who do couples check ins weekly, that's the emotional relational needs. If you need to be having household task discussions, save it for a chief household officer meeting. I love to do those once a month, because we can bring it all together. Sometimes they need to be little check ins in the week. But when we talk about a couple's check in, it isn't about the business stuff, the household tasks, okay? It's about your emotional and relational needs. Remind each other, running a household is one job, being partners is another. Do not confuse the two. And for those of you who are high achievers, you know the Gold Star earners, right? I'm going to give you one more thing. I want you to carve out 15 minutes with your partner this week. No phones, no kids, no multitasking. Do I need to say that again? No multitasking? Okay, ask each other, am I truly done, or am I just deeply tired? If the answer is tired, brainstorm one way to lighten the load this week together. Maybe it's swapping chores, hiring help, or simply giving each other permission to rest. If the answer is checked out, then honesty step one. That doesn't mean the marriage is over, but it does mean you need a deeper conversation about what's been missing and whether you're willing to rebuild. The goal isn't to fix everything in 50 minutes, by the way, please don't try to do that. It's simply to open the door to clarity instead of quietly living parallel lives. The Invisible divorce is invisible because we're not talking about it. So if we start to discuss what's happening, then we bring it to light and we can actually do something about it. Okay, so let's bring this home. The Invisible divorce is real. It's extremely painful once we start to recognize it, but it doesn't have to be permanent. If you're exhausted, you need rest, clarity and some support. If you're checked out, you need Honesty, repair and a decision about what comes next. Either way, you don't have to stay stuck in roommate mode. And if you want help figuring out which one you're in or what tools would actually move you forward. This is exactly the kind of work we do on a relationship game plan call that I offer anyone who's ready to work on the relationship. It's a space to get clarity, understand what's really happening under the surface, and walk away with practical next steps, because let's get real. You don't need to threaten divorce when all you really need is to have a nap and do less, and you don't need to settle for a marriage that only looks good on paper. You deserve a marriage that feels alive again. So go book your relationship game plan. Call in the link below in the show notes, and let me support you and your partner in getting a better plan for how to strengthen your relationship. Okay, I have found this one an interesting topic, because I think a lot of people don't realize they are in an invisible divorce, and there are ways to get out of it, that really take literally 15 minutes a week so make sure you do your homework this week and I'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in.