Sometimes I work with clients who have this vision of what life will be like once the kids leave the house. And then life happens, right? Reality hits and something occurs, whether it be mental health issue or addiction for their child and their child is right back in their home with them. In this week's episode, I'm diving into a dear Katie letter that's addressing that how do we work on our relationship when our adult child is back in the home? So grab yourself a warm drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Rustler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples. Rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on Autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right. Each week we'll explore practical tools from relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. OK, here's the dear kated letter that was sent to me dear. Haiti, my husband and I met 32 years ago, but we've been together for 29. Were parents of two. Plans and unfortunately one of our daughters in her mid 20s had a stroke. This has left her living with us, so she's always going to be home. How do we get back to our relationship before kids now that one of our adult children's back in the home pretty much permanently. Thanks for your help lost in adulthood. OK, this one is challenging because it's not like you guys went into it knowing this was going to happen, right? Nobody wishes or even expects that their child is going to have issues, especially in their. Monies. So as soon as your twins left the house, I'm sure there was a feeling like OK, now we get to work on us. Many couples wait till the kids are out of the home to finally start working on the relationship, which is not the time to do it. We should be working on a relationship all throughout the time that our kids are in the home to teach our kids as well how to have healthy relationships. But that's not your question. So you're asking now that our daughter is back in the house. And we'll be there. How do we get our relationship back to where it was before? Kids. Well, let's start with. At it will never go back to where it was before. Kids. You and your partner have changed in an amazing and challenging ways. You're not the same people you were when you first met 32 years ago. And since you've been together and to say that, how do we get it back to where it was before kids is setting up for expectations that will fail. Right. They'll be hard to follow through with what I would suggest is that 2 of you sit down and say what do we want our relationship to look like now even if our adult daughter was not in the home, what would we want our relationship to look like right now and write it down? Don't just talk it out, but actually write down what you would like to see. Different talk about the things that you've learned about each other, the things that you want to explore and experience now that you're older. Kids are no kids, right? Like we just need to go into the mentality of for this next decade of your life. What are the things you guys want to do together now? Some of those things you would hope to have some freedoms in your home, right. The ability to walk around however you want to or do things whenever you want to. But you have an adult child living. There. So coming together with your daughter and saying, you know, this is our home, the three of us. There are times where your father and I want to have some freedoms and flexibilities, and looking into what types of support that you can get for your daughter during that time. Can the two of you go away for a weekend and have someone there with her? Maybe her other twin sister to watch her and make sure she's doing OK so that you and your husband? Time to connect without having to worry about the health of your daughter. If your children were younger and they had health issues, you would also need. Press bed. There would need to be some type of care for the children while you and your husband step away and take care of yourselves. That's the same as your children are adults and one of them has this health issue now, right? Like you will still need respite. You will still need a break. And for you and your husband to sit down and talk about what are our needs and desires. When we have that. Right together is essential, going back again to what is it we want to explore? What do we want to experience? What freedoms do we want to have? And maybe they can't be 24/7, but they can be. When we take those weekends. The way then really plan it on the calendar, make sure all the support that's necessary is provided so that you don't feel a sense of guilt and this feeling of I'm not doing enough or we're not taking care of our daughter. We're leaving her home alone. You're not. You're making sure she's got all the things that she needs and someone there with her and you're allowing yourself, you and your partner. With freedom to have time. Together, now in the midst of the day-to-day, you all know that one of the things I always go back to is gratitude. You've been together for so long, it gets easy to take each other for granted. Right? Like, yeah, they're just gonna be there. Yep. This is how they do things. But make sure you're saying thank you. I'm grateful for your help with this. I'm grateful you're doing this. Grateful that we're still together. Grateful for the life we have, even though there's some challenges right now, I'm grateful that we still make time for each other when we do that, we allow the relationship to not just be focused on the pragmatic day-to-day. This needs to get done, but also on the connection. Question I would say weekly do a couples check in and sit down and go. How are you doing and you know how am I doing and give each other the chance to speak without interruption. Give each other a chance to speak without correction. No, that's not what happened, right? Just allow each other to talk. I can imagine it. It's easy to stay in a practical mode. What projects need to get done? What doctor's appointments need to be met? How do we do this? Where do we go for that? And it isn't about romance and connection, but that's something that two of you need to sit down and say what type of romance and connection do we want to have, right? That goes back again to the very beginning. What do we want to explore? What do we want to experience? How do we want to connect when I work with couples, I always give them a desire mapping workbook and it has them look at desire from different points of view and it gives them a chance to kind of sit down personally and say these are my different desires. One of the categories is physical. One is more about mental stimulation, right? And so each category gives them a chance to really talk about their desires. Then they sit down. And see what's. Popping oh, I have desires like that too in this category. How can we make that happen given our situation? Our daughter is home. We're a little bit less flexible than we thought we'd be able to be. I'm sure there's financial challenges with this. Having her home and with health issues, there's so many different pieces to this puzzle right that are not in this letter, but I can assume so. How do we make these goals and these desires a reality given our situation, we often need to think creatively, right? We often need to sit down and go OK. Given we can only get a break, maybe one week and 1/4 right one week and every three months, then these weekends that we the four weekends we can have in a year, this is what we wanna do. This one will be more focused on like adventures of travel. This one will be more focused on building our friendship and just having a peaceful time together. This one will be more focused. On mental stimulation, learning things together right, then we get more intentional about the time that we do have. Now, if you're listening and your children are younger and they do have maybe health issues or particular mental health challenges that you are saying, yeah, we're going through that too. Use these tools as well. You don't have to wait till the kids are out of the house and then end up potentially coming back to go. Ohh. Now we need to do this. Use these tools now too. Be willing to sit down and go what? Are my desires and what are your desires? And even if they differ, that's OK. But how do we start to meet them together in a positive way? Not in a oh, it feels like another thing on the To Do List. But in a desire to grow our connection and our relationships stronger, and how do we need to be creative in making that happen given the time we have given the energy we have given the space that we have, if we don't even take the time to sit down and have those conversations, then expectations are constantly not being met because we're not communicating them and we're feeling. More and more resentment. Towards our partner towards our life situation, maybe even towards your daughter. You love her. The health issues are things that you guys couldn't have predicted, but there can be a sense of resentment towards our children when they cause burdens on our lives, even unintentionally. So be able to honor and respect that that feeling is there. It doesn't mean you have to hide it. You don't need to go and announce it to the world. You can speak with your partner about that. So again I would remove the mindset of how our relationship was before kids. It will never go back there, but what can it be now? It's like having a blank canvas. If we go, how can I get my relationship to be like it was before? Kids, you're starting with a really dirty, messed up canvas already, right? Life is like marked all over it. If I say hey, I want to start from today and us create a new and healthier and stronger and more connected relationship. Post kids with each adult child back in the home. Then you have a blank canvas. Then you say, what colors do we want to use? What designs do we want to put on it, right? Like you get to paint it, and then you get to actually make it and create really what it will look like. This is why I love using my rebuild method with my couples. It's allowing them to look at the old tear down the pieces that don't work anymore and change their habits. And the cycles they're stuck in to be ones that represent what they actually want to have in their relationship, how they want to communicate, how they want to talk to each other, trust each other, rely on each other, whatever that might be. So open up the dialogue for that weekly check in on each other, discuss what this next decade of life will look. Like, even with your adult child in the home, look creatively at ways that you can still spend time together. And if you have that time together, what will you do with it? Because it's very easy. Once we get time to just not intentionally do much with it and make sure you're incorporating gratitude and grace in this season of life because this might be a very long season. And it's not one that you predicted or desire. But it's where you are and honoring and accepting where you are, and then again creating that new canvas of where will this go? What will this look like given the situation we have? Then you can create a life and a relationship. You both are more excited about having then you're on the same team again right then your partners. And creating what you want and I think that's key to having that strong long term relationship. Even feel a sense of flourishing again, right, removing survival mode, which I bet has felt like the norm in your relationship for the past few years. Getting out of survival mode and feeling a sense at times of growth and thriving. It will not be a 180 overnight, but until you make the plan until you. Paint the clear picture of what you want. You will stay in survival mode because your brain won't know to do anything differently, and then once you've painted that picture, setting the goals and making steps with intention to break out of autopilot and start to live that reality that you want to have, honoring the fact that you have an adult child due to health issues, who is home? And we'll be home. You can still create a relationship that both of you are excited to wake up to each day. It just might look differently than you thought it would. OK. Lost in adulthood. I hope that this advice gave you some tools and some things you feel like you can start using immediately and that you get a sense of feeling like you have a little more control. Often when life throws us these curveballs that are going to be more permanent, we feel like we've lost control. And again, it's that survival mode, right? Like we just constantly feel like we're just trying to, like grasp at something. But these tools will give you that. Something these tools will help you and your partner get back on the same page and really start to build something. You want to have no matter what is happening externally and dear listener. If you would like to submit a dear Katie question for me to answer on the podcast, check in the show notes and click dear Katie submission and you'll be able to share with me anonymously. Your question for the podcast, and I'll share my expert advice on some tips and tools that can help you in the season of your life too. OK everyone, I will see you next. Week. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it to. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection too. And be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's going to be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work. And the rewards totally worth the. Effort. See you next week.