How do you get the spark back in your relationship after being together for so long? You know, stress and life just sort of gets in the way, and we stop being as excited to see each other. It's hard to laugh together like we used to, and there's just something missing between us. So what do we do about this? Well, in today's episode, I'm addressing a dear Katie submission on what do we do after being together for 20 years? How do we get that spark back of excitement? What can it look like, and is it even realistic? So go grab yourself a warm drink, and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship, reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild. The podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed up. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. Okay, so here's the dear Katie submission. Dear Katie, we've been together since 2005 and are happily married with stress levels at their highest degree because of work, kids, aging parents. How do you keep a marriage happy and exciting after so many years, especially when one of the partners feels okay with the monotony, but the other one, not so much. Thanks so much. Seeking excitement. Okay? Seeking excitement. So 20 years. First of all, let's just congratulate that. That's some serious relationship longevity, right? But here's the issue, life is busy, and while one partner is feeling just fine with the routine. You know, you sound like you're craving something more. So what do you do when one of you is comfortable with the monotony and probably just likes the stability of knowing what's coming next, even if it's not going to be something exciting, but the other one is searching for excitement novelty, just something that gives that spark back. How do you keep a marriage happy and exciting after all these years? This is a great question, and this one we really need to address. So let's dive into this. First of all, let's talk about stability. It really is a beautiful thing, right? Like we want to feel stable with our partner, we want to feel secure, the trust, the routine, these things can really work for us, but here's where things can get really tricky. Sometimes stability can feel a little bit boring, right? Yeah, I said it. We're gonna it's boring. It's absolutely boring, and yet we need it, but often it's why many of us go and watch these romance movies or TV series where there's drama and excitement, because we do miss a little bit of drama, even though we really don't want it in our lives. Once it's there, we hate it. See, stability is what keeps us grounded, and it's something to celebrate, right? But after 20 years of doing the same thing in the same routine with the same tasks, well it's totally normal for one of you to feel like something's missing. I get that. The issue is your partner is okay with the monotony. They might not even see it as a problem. They see it as a comfort. It feels safe, it feels predictable, it feels familiar, but for you, this predictability starts to feel a bit like a rut, right? Like we're just kind of stuck. This is our way of being, yay. We're happily married. But what's next? Where is the excitement gonna come from? And you wanna break free from that cycle. Wanting excitement or change doesn't mean you're dissatisfied with your partner. You know, often we get that mixed up and we think, Well, I'm just not happy in this relationship. I'm not satisfied with my partner. And it doesn't mean your relationships in trouble. It just means that the relationship, like everything else in life, can benefit from a little bit of growth, right? And you know how I like to work, it can benefit from a rebuild, some newness, a little spark. So it's really about balance. How can you have both and what will it look or feel like? Now, if you want more excitement, and your partner is perfectly fine with how things are, here's what could happen if you don't address it, you start to build up resentment. It builds up quietly, like a little sneaky monster under the surface, right? Like, oh and there it pops up because it gets so big that it's like, we have to address this, but maybe we can address it sooner. First, you need to understand what the resentment is about. Maybe you're feeling unseen, or like your emotional needs aren't being met. You know, you're developing and changing, and maybe there are some things that you're wanting more of from the relationship or from your partner, and for your partner who's okay with the routine, they may not even realize there's a need for change because it's not been talked about. They're probably thinking like, yeah, everything's fine. We're happy we've been together for 20 years. But what ends up happening is that when you are craving more, you might start feeling like you're not as important, or that your desires are being dismissed because they're not really being communicated, or when they are, you're being told nothing's wrong. Don't make it this a problem, like we've got, you know, everything's good, we look good on paper. Why are you complaining? This isn't about saying one partner is wrong, right? It's about recognizing that different people need different things, and that will change over time. And the key here is addressing it before it builds into something bigger. We don't want that monster to get any bigger than the little ones kind of hiding out. We want to address it so the monster goes away. It's important to say that wanting more excitement doesn't mean your relationship is bad. Again, when we think our relationship needs change, we think there's a problem. We think that someone's failing or not doing enough. This is about an evolution. It's about growth. It's about wanting more with what you have, right? If we plant the seed, it grows, we see the plant, then we just put it into a room with very little light, and maybe we water it occasionally. It's not going to grow as big. It's probably going to die. So if we put that plant back in the sunlight, we fertilize it, we give it water. We're giving it nurturance and intention. It grows, it blossoms. That's what you're asking for. So just because your relationship might feel healthy in the sense of, we're happy we've been together for 20 years, like we work together, it doesn't mean it can't use a little fertilizer, yeah, and maybe a few new experiences to help it thrive. Like, this is good. So let's say you're ready to bring this up to your partner again. Like, you know, you're like, Okay, we need to really address this, because it's really bothering me. How do you have that conversation without making them feel like something's wrong with the relationship or they're failing, first of all, be curious, not confrontational. Instead of saying, you know, I'm bored or I'm not enjoying this, I just wish there was more excitement between us. You can ask, How do you feel about us right now? Do you think we're growing together. This shifts the conversation from being about a problem. I'm not excited enough. I feel like we're not having, you know, enough laughter or fire, you know, something new between us into let's get curious and talk about these things. It's not accusing anyone of anything. We just want to see what each other's needs are. Then when you express how you feel, make sure it's coming from a place of wanting more connection, not dissatisfaction, right? I'm really bored, and I feel like you're not wanting to do anything fun anymore. Okay? We're not going to say that. We're going to use I statements like, I feel like we've fallen to a bit of a routine, and I really miss the excitement we used to have. This isn't about blaming them, okay? So that's key. If you notice they start to get defensive. Just call that out. I'm not blaming you. This is life. This is normal. I'm just sharing my experience and opening the door for us to have a deeper conversation about it. And just be patient. If your partner is content with the way things are, they might need a little time to process. Don't expect them to change overnight. Don't expect for them to like the change. This is about starting a conversation that continues over time. It's not a one time fix. So you are literally planting new seeds in your relationship plan by having these conversations and saying, I'd like these seeds to grow too. And here's how we can do it together. Okay, now let's say you've had the conversation. You've opened up the discussion about, you know, how can we bring a little more excitement and energy back to our relationship? It's good that we have stability. I love the stability, and I'd like a little fun too. Let me share with you some fun and creative ways you and your partner can start to bring back that spark and excitement. And I'm going to tell you, these don't have to be huge gestures or expensive getaways. It's really about doing little things to reconnect and add some spontaneity into your life together. So first one, try something new together. Take a class, maybe it's dance cooking or even something like pottery. Doing something new together gets you out of your comfort zone and reignites that sense of adventure. Now here's the thing, your partner likes to be comfortable. They may not like getting out of their comfort zone, right? And so you just need to say to them, Hey, this is part of the problem. We're so in our comfort zone that the idea of doing something new or uncomfortable where we don't really know what's going to happen next, is stopping us from having the growth and the excitement we need to have. So maybe we start small, but we need to start doing some things outside of our comfort zone, and try some new things and be comfortable, just like in the beginning of our relationship, would go on dates, we try new things, like we can bring that back, so Speaker 1 11:18 create a bucket list together. Sit down and make a list of things you want to do together. What are some things you both want to try, restaurants you want to go check out, places you want to visit, hobbies. You always said, oh, one day we'll do that. And you haven't write it down. It gets you excited, because you're looking forward to doing something special as a couple. Now, I do work with couples who often say we don't like the same things. It's hard for us to get excited. But I tell you, when I sit with them, it's rare that I can't find at least two things that they can do together, that they're both like, I would like that. That would be fun. So if you need to go do a search of creative ideas, of things to do as a couple to get ideas, go for it. But at the end of the day, there is something the two of you will want to do together and have fun doing okay number four, switch up your date nights if you're stuck in the same like dinner, movie, dinner, talking routine right room usually ends up in arguing or looking at our phones or we don't have anything else to talk about anymore. Switch it up. Plan an unexpected adventure. Go on a midnight picnic. You got kids, maybe can't do that. Then your date night, going for a swim somewhere, or climbing at the local gym, drive to a new part of town and just check it out and walk around. It doesn't have to be complicated, just something out of the ordinary again, bringing in something new and spontaneous and exciting is good. And if you are the one who likes to know, if you're like, No, I like to know what we're doing and where we're going. That piece of you is part of that feeling we're stuck in a rut of monotony. Be willing to break out of that. Be willing to break out of the shell of needing to know everything. Allow for some spontaneity, some excitement. Who knows what the day or night will bring. And I always say this, date nights can switch from date nights to date mornings, date lunches. Break it up. We're tired at night. Why are we always doing date nights? I really, I know we have to go to work, but like, come on. I think half the battle is we're so exhausted and we're talked out by the end of the day that it's like, I don't know, and we just stare at each other. So switch it up. Okay, number five and last one, unplug for a weekend. Sometimes the best way to reignite that intimacy and excitement is to turn off your phones, leave your emails behind, and just focus on each other, spend a weekend doing absolutely nothing but enjoying each other's company. That's hard when you've got kids, so you really have to strategically plan this, but when you can do it, it's amazing. You just feel this like weight lifted off your shoulders, and it will help you feel more connected. All of a sudden, you're making dinner together, and you're going for a walk because you can, and you don't need to tell anybody when you'll be back, or hey, let me check in on this, or that you just go. Now, let's address the fact that in this situation, you're navigating different needs. So one of you is perfectly happy with the status quo, and the other is craving more excitement. How can we navigate this without causing tension? Here's the thing, both perspectives are valid. One partner's need for stability and comfort doesn't negate the other's need for adventure or change. They both can coexist. This is where compromise comes in. Maybe it's not about overhauling everything, but about finding a balance that works for both of you. For example, perhaps you start by planning a fun activity once a month, nothing too crazy, but something that shakes things up a little bit. Stepping outside your comfort zone makes you laugh, feels a little nostalgic and exciting. Or maybe it's as simple as being more intentional about connecting on a deeper level each day, taking five to 10 minutes when the kids are finally in their rooms asleep, that you sit down, put the phones away, don't grab the TV remote and just be present with each other. Ask questions you would like you were talking to your best friend. Sometimes we just need to make that time for each other too. Remember, the goal isn't to force change on anyone. It's about finding ways to enrich your relationship. Add that fertilizer, right? We're going to build that plant back up, but you need to honor both partners needs. So it's about having your partner understand there's not anything necessarily wrong. It's like your needs have changed a bit, and you'd like to have a little more excitement, which will mean them getting a little uncomfortable. But it can just be once a month, and it can be something that, over time, they start looking forward to. You never know. Okay, seeking excitement. I hope this gave you some good tips and the realization that your point of view and your desires are valid. So it's all about how you have the conversation with your partner and not giving in. If they go, Well, I'm really happy where things are. Why are you making problems when there aren't any? It's not a problem. It's just a new need. We don't need to wait for that monster to build between the two of you, where resentment just divides the two of you even more. Start small, start today, have the conversation with your partner and see where it takes you. And remember, it's not about changing who you are as a couple, okay? It's about keeping the connection alive and adding more joy to your already strong relationship. If you need support navigating this, whether it be seeking excitement or Dear listener, reach out. I'm here to help, and as always, I'm sending you so much love and connection vibes as you continue building the relationship of your dreams rather than just settling for what it is. I'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection too, and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards totally worth the effort. See you next week.