In this episode, we are talking about five misconceptions that I am seeing over and over that couples and individuals have about long term relationships that are actually causing problems. So it's time to set the record straight to tell you the truth about how long term relationships should feel and look and be experienced, so we can just have realistic expectations across the board and start to do the work that actually will help our relationship. So go grab yourself a warm drink and definitely a pen and paper, and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship, reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild. The podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelm couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed up. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. I am so passionate about this topic. I don't know if you noticed, because I think often we were fed a bunch of baloney. That's the nicest way I can put it around the topic of relationships, around what a healthy and good and lasting and loving relationship looks like, and honestly, a lot about what we believe is related to the media we took in throughout our lives, right? So we've got Hollywood giving us movies that show us what romantic, long term relationships should look like, what true love looks like, what falling in love looks like, how easy and effortless a relationship should look. We've got books that we read growing up that showed us, you know what deep romance looks like, what it just means to be swept off your feet. Then we've got TV shows that are showing us all the pains and trials of being in a relationship and how it's so worth it, and then when we're there, it's just so easy. All of these things have been fed to us, even things in magazines, and we believed them, but really, they were just examples. They weren't the truth, they weren't the reality, they were fiction. And some of us can look to our family members, like our grandparents, our parents, and the ones who have been married for so long, and I'll look at them now, and all of these things, but I guarantee you it was not like that all across the board, right throughout their whole time together, there had been challenges, and so these are the things people aren't talking about. So when they occur in our relationship, we think something's wrong and we think it's time to go get support. Okay, so let's talk about the five misconceptions, what they are, what the truth is, and how we can start to shift our belief systems around them so that we can actually do the work that's going to help our relationship. Okay, so the first one, if we were truly compatible, this wouldn't be so hard. I hear this a lot, especially from women. I'm not sure why, but it's usually the women who say, I just believe it shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be this hard, right? Compatibility doesn't mean you're going to be conflict free. Compatibility is more about can we grow together, especially through hard seasons, we grow together with challenges, with conflict, with the sandpaper moments, right? It's not that it's compatibility means it's it's easy, like a puzzle piece fitting together. Let's say a friend and I, we're working on a project together, something volunteer project. We're doing right? She's going to come in with her wisdom and expertise and her ability. I'm going to come in with mine. And we may be compatible in how we work together, but we are still going to butt heads and have challenges. Compatibility also doesn't mean that you're compatible in all areas. You might be really super compatible with vacationing together, but really struggle with parenting. So we have to let go of this. If we were truly compatible, this wouldn't be so hard. It will always be hard your two individual people who are going to have bad days, be hangry, have hormonal shifts and question who you are, and what is this life, right? And that's going to make us argumentative, frustrated struggle. We also like harmony, and anything that throws off our harmony, ie, another person is going to make us feel irked, right? We're going to have issues. So compatibility does not mean conflict free, so let's let that go. Second misconception, okay, we've made all this progress, but now we're arguing again. We're back at square one, like it feels like we're just back at this beginning, if not less than, okay, I get it. It's scary, especially when you've made progress, and you feel a sense of hope, of like, oh, this is gonna get better, but regression, meaning taking steps back, is a part of growth. Progress is not a straight line. It's cyclical, right? It's a circular motion that's slowly moving up. So I think of it like a spring, right? It starts at the bottom and it slowly goes up, and then it goes back down. It slowly goes back up and slows back down, right? Like that is what true growth looks like, and the more we can see that as acceptable and normal. This is why we always say, like, you set goals in January, and then by February, you've fallen off the horse, right? You get back on the horse, because part of learning how to ride is to get back on. Oh, man, I wanted to start exercising. And after week two, I stopped. Okay, then set the next schedule for the following week to go ahead and get back on to exercising. This is normal, and in relationships, it's even more normal because our brain for so long was an autopilot in the way we argued, in the way that we handled situations, in the power and control dynamics in our relationship. So when we say I want to start making real growth and progress. I want to start doing the hard work to make changes, and it's both of you coming together. Regression is going to happen when you argue again. It doesn't mean you're back to square one, and frankly, we need to get out of the mindset that arguing is bad, but that's for another conversation. So we've made progress, but now we're arguing again, good. That means growth is happening. What is it you're learning? What are the things that need to be tweaked? What's going on that you need to be more intentional about, right? And double down on? No, I want this to improve. Where do you need to take greater ownership for how you let things shift back, or how you were triggered, or whatever it might be, right? This is where we start to really do amazing, good work. I really like when couples fall back. I know they don't. And if you're listening, and you're one of the couples working with me right now, you're like, what I do, because that's the piece where I bring them back in and I go, ooh, what are we learning from this? What is still unseen, unheard, unspoken, that needs to be said that then we can jump back onto and grow together. In Progress is not a straight line. Remember that? Okay? Misconception Number three, it shouldn't take this much work. Again. It's a bit like number one, right? Like, you know, if we were compatible, it wouldn't be this hard. Yes, it should take this much work. Anyone who doesn't think a real good and healthy relationship should not take much work. I worry about. I wonder about what role models they had growing up. I wonder about what expectations they went into with their relationship, and was that impacted by society, the generation at the time, religion, you know, Hollywood, whatever, because it should, it should take work. You are an individual. Your partner is an individual, and you're learning how to become a we in a whole different way. And the longer you're together, the more the individual starts to pull away again, right? Like I'm my own person. And you forget how to be a we. You know how to practically get things done and you get through life challenges, but you don't know how to vision together as much anymore. There's this feeling of like, whose decision gets to be made, I'm changing and growing. I don't feel like you're changing and growing right? Like we start to become more individualistic, and we have to learn how to come together back to a we in a whole different way than we had before. So anything worth having takes intentional work. Intentional work means it will be difficult. It will be challenging. It will test you. It will push you to step out of your comfort zone. But those effortless relationships that you admire wherever they are, whatever they look like on the outside, they're built behind closed doors, with effort, with humility and with really hard conversations, I guarantee you anything worth having takes intentional work. So we have to get out of the mindset that it shouldn't take this much work again if we're compatible, if we were meant to be, would just be so easy. No, we partner up with our unfinished business. We find the partner that will help us grow in the best ways possible and the most uncomfortable ways possible. It is our unfinished business from our childhood, our youth and our early relationships that we're here to heal and clean and take care of, not for them to fix or give us what we need that we didn't receive. Those are their own misconceptions. But we choose our partner without realizing it in a very intentional way, because they are comfortable, they are familiar, even if we think no, but they're from a different country, and they speak a different language. No, no, no, no. They have characteristics, personality traits and habits, even if you don't see them right away, you're picking up on them that are like something you need to work on, that trigger and poke something in you that needs to be addressed, and that's about you, not about them. So I often say that it takes so much work, because it's more of work that you got to do on yourself, then you start working on the relationship. But it just depends on which framework you look at relationship work in, okay? The fourth misconception, maybe it would be easier if I was with someone else, they'd be able to give me the things that I need that my partner can't give me. I hear this one often, too, and the truth is, you know what? Every relationship has trade offs I always say, you know, we think of the grass is greener on the other side, but you're gonna have to cut the grass and do yard work no matter what, whatever lawn you're in. So let's let go of this mindset that someone else would be better. Sure there might be some areas that are less difficult because that person doesn't have the laundry has to be folded this way, or we have to save money in this way. But there will be something else, I guarantee you, because you know why you are going into that relationship as you with your stuff, your unfinished business that continues to need to be worked on no matter where you are. So every relationship has its trade offs. A new love might feel exciting, but let's be honest, it's just endorphins. It's just hormones that get us all excited about it, and this is why affairs happen. Oh my God, I feel special and important and amazing again. Yeah, it's dopamine, great. It's oxytocin, it's things that you have been feeling in your relationship because you guys are out of touch with those things that help you to release those chemicals. Because the longer you're together, it's not about you just find and feel. It's about you earn that feeling of love. You earn that feeling of trust and respect, it shouldn't be taken for granted, and yet, most of us do okay. Fifth misconception, like, I'm successful in so many other areas of my life, except for in this relationship, like, I cannot figure it out right? Like those of us are high achievers are like, Why do we keep having the same problems with him or her or them? But I can do all these other things, right? I don't have these types of problems with my friends. I don't have these types of problems with my coworkers, like, why can't we communicate? Everybody else understands me? Okay? The truth is, success in career does not translate to emotional fluency, emotional intelligence. It's a whole different skill set, and that is why, especially in the career world, we start to see more things around emotional intelligence, having more emotional intelligence as a manager, being more aware of emotional intelligence, having an emotional skill set, right? These things are starting to come up more and more in the career field because they see the benefits of them. But just because you're successful in setting goals and achieving them and getting projects done and task management and all of that does not mean you're going to be successful in a relationship. It's a whole different skill set. Again, it takes work half the time in a relationship. I think we're just juggling our ego, our past, and trying to, like, make sense of our partner as they're growing into who they're going to be in this next decade of life, right? Like we're just in this like, oh, let's add in trying to figure out ourselves too. So we're just juggling all this and being like, Why isn't this working? Why isn't this so easy? No, it's not going to be. There's beauty in the challenge, and I think a lot of us have forgotten that. So let's really get to the nitty gritty of this. Okay, in general, when you're working on your relationship, your old patterns of being together, how you talk to each other, how you cope with things, what triggers you they're gonna resurface. It is normal. These are Think of it like new interstates or highways in your brain that is being built right, so that those neural pathways go Okay, let's start sending signals down this new highway. Well, it's not always finished being built, or your brain's not used to using it yet. So you just have to keep going, because it's used to this other highway or interstate for years, and now you're like, No, we're going to start doing this differently. I need to reroute. Maybe it wasn't clear we're Rerouting. And so your brain won't always do that. It doesn't mean there's a problem. The key to change is not perfection. It's catching it quicker. It's being able to take ownership, right, apologizing sooner, and then repairing and recovering faster. This is the key work I do with my clients. How do we repair and recover faster? How do we start to put our ego to the side and catch what we've done and be willing to take ownership? Another thing I want you to be really aware of, that awareness plus intention plus accountability equals growth. And honestly, sometimes our partner cannot be our accountability partner. In fact, most times because we see them so much through the lens of a mirror of ourselves, and we're not always the best accountability partner to ourselves, let's be honest. But also it can be really hard to allow somebody to hold you accountable if you don't fully respect them, or if you see them struggling and having challenges too in this area, and you're like you're supposed to hold me accountable like you're not even doing this right? It's the pot calling the kettle black. You suck at taking ownership. So why are you pointing out that I suck at it? This is why it can benefit to have a relationship strategist like myself or a couples counselor or couples coach, to be able to support you in accountability. Because, Yay, it's great that you have awareness, then you're setting your intention, but what then someone to hold you accountable to making the change? That is where the growth happens. It's not just about fixing the argument right, or the arguing style, but noticing what led up to it. How did we even get here and having somebody to step in and say, hey, I want you guys to zoom out for a moment and name the pattern that's happening. I was talking to somebody recently about the fact that most people think, oh, I want to work on my arguing style. This is the issue we're arguing. And I always say, no, actually, the issue is that you've forgotten how to be friends. You're much more like roommates. And when the friendship is there, then we tend to argue differently, because think about like your core friends that really matter to you outside of your long term relationship. You probably don't argue with them a ton, definitely not as much as you do in your home, or if you're not arguing in your home because you're just not speaking about things, or you're shutting each other out like that same you don't do that to your friends usually, right? So I want to help couples rebuild that friendship, and that can be hard work before I go, let's fix your arguing, because when we start to notice what led up to the argument, that takes an awareness and feeling safe in the relationship to be that vulnerable. Okay, so the third thing I want you guys thinking about is setbacks are not proof you're failing. Gosh, we are in such a culture of like, minus points means I failed. So many minus points on the test means I failed. Okay, great. This is not school. I want you to think of it like setting a fitness goal, right? If you're a runner, then you know there'll be some on Days and there's some off days, especially if you're training like for a marathon, and you need those rest days. In fact, you need some of those days where it doesn't go well, because you kind of start to see, what are the mental challenges I'm facing, what are the truths and realities I'm believing? Is my body needing a break? Right? So plateaus will happen. I know when I was training several years ago with running, like I had a certain speed that I could run at, and then it was like, I felt like I just took steps back, and I was like, Oh my God. Like, what is going on? I was going so well and at a certain speed that I liked per kilometer. And I was like, Yeah, and that had just hit a plateau, and I just sat with that plateau. I realized, if I fight it, if I try to push myself, I'll injure myself. There's a reason for the plateau, right? Our muscles are preparing for that next bit of growth, and our ability levels is gonna like, have that jump. But the plateau is not bad. You don't quit when you hit the plateau, you don't quit when there are setbacks, you recalibrate. You go, Okay, what do I need differently? Do I need to add more protein to my diet? Do I need to, you know, have more rest days? Do I need to stretch more? We have to get out of this mindset about failing and more into what can I do differently? Let's think creatively. What happened? Why did we have the setbacks? Is it life crises? Are we in a season of people being sick in our home, and it's making us like we're not getting enough sleep and things like that, then, okay, if that's the season, it doesn't mean we're failing. It means we need better tools in place to be resilient in these times too. Okay, fourth ego needs to be your third wheel, right. Nobody wants a third wheel. You can be right or you can be in relationship. I'm going to say that again, you can be right or you can be in relationship. I often say it's about being right versus effective, which is more important than effective? Yeah. Now some of you like being right. I heard you, I heard you. Stink it. You did no being right, that's more important No. High achievers often struggle with this, because being competent is tied to our identity. If I am right, I am secure in who I am. Well, the reality is that we want to be effective, and our ego has to go out the door half the time. It's really not even about our ego, but we make it about our ego. So let your ego be the third wheel. We don't want a third wheel. Okay, last progress looks boring. Yes, it can feel good at the beginning, and we're like riding the high. It's the honeymoon phase. The real progress is boring, and a lot of times we feel like we've stagnated as a couple, when actually we're secure and safe. And what we're looking for is a little more excitement and passion that can be brought into a relationship easily. But if you feel bored in your relationship, if you feel like, yeah, I can see like we haven't gone back to the old ways of being, but it doesn't feel like we're doing anything big. That doesn't mean anything is wrong. Progress is not a grand gesture and a huge, big jump, right? It's small, consistent shifts, like pausing before you react, or owning that tone of voice you used, or the rolling of the eyes right, or saying I was wrong period instead of justifying and saying all the reasons why or why you know they were wrong too. No, just saying I was wrong. Progress looks boring because it's small, consistent steps, but that's what makes the growth real and stable and consistent. See, just because you've made progress doesn't mean you're immune to hard moments. Hard moments will always be there again. You're in relationship with another person, not with yourself. And often, when we feel stuck, when we're trying to make progress, you're actually just in the middle of doing the work, just like that spring, maybe progressed up, and now you're taking steps back, but being intentional and knowing, okay, we got to move back up. That's important. The problem is the middle, that Middle Land of growth, is messy and unsexy. There's not a lot of dopamine hits in it. We're not as excited by it, but we need to do the work, because it is legacy work, and the outcome is amazing. Even if you work on your relationship 2% more each day, just 2% a little shift, 2% you will see long term progress over the year. It's amazing. When my couples look back and they go, Oh my gosh, oh yeah, I used to do that. Oh, I used to say that. I can't that right? And then they're just like, yeah, that doesn't that thought doesn't even come to mind anymore. Now I know when I do this, this upsets my partner, so I'm starting to shift it in this way, and they're responding differently, and it's amazing, but in the moment, we don't see that growth, and we don't see that progress. It is a long term game. It's marathon and it's legacy work. So here are the questions I want you to ask yourself this week and take some time to reflect on one what do you make it mean when you argue again after a good week? So like, say, things have started to improve, and then you guys have an argument. What do you make it mean about your relationship, about your progress, about you, about your partner. What do you make it mean? Number two, where is your ego showing up and blocking your ability to connect with your partner? This is a big one, especially for me. Lately, I've really had to look myself in the mirror and ask myself, Where is my ego showing up that's blocking my ability to connect with my husband? Because it will, it will show up and it will tell me, Miss Independent, you don't need anybody. And then I'm like, wait, I'm in a relationship. It's not about me, because I want to be with them. I want to connect. So where is your ego showing up to blocking your ability to connect? And number three, are you trying to solve your relationship like a project, or are you nurturing it like a living thing? Right? We don't water a plant once and go grow. Let's do this or plant it, have it grow, and then stick it in a closet and go, Well, you're grown. You're good. You'll continue to grow. Go in this closet. I'll deal with you later. No, right? We continue to nurture the plant. We continue to take care of it. It isn't a to do list item. Okay, done. That. Project's finished. Next on the to do list. No, our relationship is like a living thing. It needs to be nurtured and taken care of on a daily basis. So are you trying to solve your relationship like a project, a to do list item, or are you nurturing it like a living thing? Okay, hopefully this has given some of you a wake up call and some good realizations, and I want you to listen to this episode with your partner and have some good discussions about, Did either of you have any of these misconceptions? How do you want to start looking at it differently together, and what are the shifts that need to happen to make that occur? And then I want you to answer those questions together, right? What do you make it mean when you argue again after a good week, where's your ego showing up and blocking your ability to connect and be honest, are you trying to solve your relationship like a project? Are you nurturing it like a living thing? Okay, let me know how this episode hit with you. You can message me on Instagram at Katie.Rossler, or, of course, send me an email to Katie@KatieRossler.com and if you would like some extra support going through this together, set up a complimentary relationship game plan. Call. These calls have been amazing to do with so many of you lately, and hearing the realizations you're having by me just asking you some questions, sometimes all it takes is being asked the right question to open the doors of realization that both of you can start to make some shifts that are really easy to create the relationship you desire to have. So make sure you book a call. The link is in the show notes below. Okay, I will see you guys next week with another episode. Thanks for tuning in to relationship, reset. If you found this episode.