Is my relationship healthy or not? I hear this question on a regular basis. Is this normal? Is this healthy? Is this how it's supposed to be?

Well, I brought on Teresa Young, who's a leading multi award winning accredited and certified international wellness and relationship coach based in the UK to help us unpack what it means to have a healthy relationship and what is, quote, normal. With over 20 years of experience, she specializes in enabling individuals to build better relationships with themselves, leading to radical transformations in their well being, effectiveness, and relationships with others. She has a signature framework called safe, and she guides clients on a journey to feeling secure, aligned, fulfilled, and empowered. Her media credits include the BBC Radio, Hey Saturday, Thrive Global, the International Coaching News, Couples Learn, and more. Her globally recognized charting podcast, Real Asianship Talk. The podcast delivers real conversations about love, well being, dating, and relationships, and has special guest, including me, I've been on it, and world renowned relationship experts and television personalities like Paul C. Brunson, Susan Winter, and Charlene Douglas.

This was such a great conversation. I cannot wait for you to get some more clarity on what it means to have a healthy relationship and start to face some of the misconceptions we have in today's world about what that means. So grab a warm drink and let's dive in.

Welcome to Relationship Reset, Reignite, Reconnect, rebuilt, the podcast for highachieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Russler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelm couples rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week will explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in.

Welcome back to the podcast. You know, a lot of times we talk about is my relationship healthy or not? And often what we're talking about is, are the emotions that we're experiencing healthy in the context of our relationship? So today I've got Teresa Young and we're gonna be discussing is my relationship emotionally healthy or not? And what we can do to assess those things, understand the misconceptions. And of course, she's got some homework for you. So Teresa, thank you so much for being here and I'm excited to hear what you have to share with us.

Thank you so much, Katie, for the opportunity to have a conversation about having an emotionally healthy relationship because it's so important. It's such an important topic to talk about.

How did you get into the space about relationships and emotional health in general?

Hmm, that's a really good question. How many episodes do we have? Katie? Let me, let me boil it down. So a lot of it is due to both my live and my professional experiences. So by default I have a HR management background. So it was all about helping people to navigate emotions, mindset pieces, development along those cases. I used to support very senior people and also people who were employees navigating them some of their, their challenges at work, so to speak. So I have that hedgehog management background. Anyway, so what about nurturing relationships now my lift experiences.

There are probably three or four moments or experiences in my life that had LED me to tapping into relationships and also emotional well being. So I'm just going to put it down quite quickly. So the first one was actually witnessing my parents relationship dynamic. My parents struggled in their connection. My father was mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive towards my mother. So it meant that as children, I was eldest of four children. We witnessed some really difficult times, particularly when it came to my mother's emotional well being too. While she was there to protect our safety wise, we got to see some really dysfunctional behaviours there.

Now, I'm pleased to say that after 30 years of being in a relationship with my dad and being married to him, she finally saw that he was not going to change, and she stood firmly and fully in her power, and she bought the marriage to an end. And that gave me great insight into the journey of a relationship, and also how you can equip yourself mentally, emotionally and have that resilience to say no more. I fully respect and honour the choices and decisions that she made because she was only doing the best she could at that time of what she knew. So I completely honored that.

Now, for me, my own personal experiences as well, I found love, I called it love, puppy love, at the age of 19, and I thought this was going to be my forever gentleman who were saving up to be a mortgage, of having a mortgage buying a place together. And I thought, well, okay, it was a fresh relationship. Now five years into that relationship, all of a sudden I received a text message and the message said, I don't want to be in a relationship with you, this isn't working. And there were no telltale signs. We were just living a very like monotonous, mediocre life as we were doing, but nothing to say that it actually deserved for the relationship to end.

And my heart was broken, Katie. It really was like physical heartache. I've never experienced that. I was on the floor. I was at my grandmother's house when I received the message as well. So I wasn't even really in a place to receive it. I was literally clawing at the carpet, clawing. Now my nails are saying what is going on? Pain.

In that moment, a lot of things start to show up for me. Self worth issues, self esteem, what could I have done differently? I cannot even hold a relationship down my first relationship. All of these things started coming up for me, Katie, to the point where I had low self esteem issues, sending up back from school as well, confidence issues, body image, all of this stuff, all of this over 1 came up for me somewhat so that I was like a swan, I like in it to be. So I was gliding on surface. It look like I had all things handled, I had it covered, but underneath that water my feet was pedalling pedalling pedalling, pedalling for some stability, for some safety.

It got to a point in 2,009, actually, it was December, really cold December night. I remember it. And I didn't want to be here anymore. And I said goodbye to the world. I took an impulsive overdose and I said I don't wanna be here anymore. My family, my friends, incredibly supported, but I had no idea the pain and the struggle I was going through. But I'm here, Katie, and I'm sharing a towel with you. It didn't work. And I knew in that moment, didn't have a day to share my story, to actually thrive. And heal.

So I spoke to my doctor, and they said, we can offer you antidepressants. We can offer you CBT cognitive behavioral therapy. So for me, I like to explore the mind. So I said, let me do the CBT instead while within relying up on medication. And in that moment when I started to witness my thoughts and how my thoughts affect my emotions, and how my emotions affect my behaviours and my actions and my decisions, and that produces the outcomes in my life. Everything started to change. My relationship started to change, my confident, myself believe, my self esteem, everything started to change. And I thought who else does not know about this?

This was an knowledge to me. So therefore, I quit myself with understanding more about CBT, getting myself on qualifications and counselling in coaching. I'm a master coach as well. And I also started to explore other mediums and modalities such as NLP and said how can I incorporate that? So I left my HR job and then I moved into my private coaching practice. And from 2,016, I have been navigating and working in my private coaching practice to help people to have a better relationship with themselves. First and foremost, cause that's what happened for me. And then that affects the quality of the relationship that you have with other people too.

Your journey and the fact that you can say from day one of entering into a family, your family origin, I have been watching relationship and how the interplay, right? And how the dynamics go, and then having it play out in your own life in a different way and having to go, how do I, how do I make sense of this at such a young age when we're in our early 20s, we're still figuring out all the things and to say, I don't wanna do this anymore. And then that failed attempt lead you to go, no, there's something greater. And now that I'm starting to see it, I want more of it and I wanna share it with people. I think that journey is so, it's inspiring and it reminds us that nothing that happens in our life can go unturned. As far as a lesson Learned and experience we can pull from.

Yes, thank you for witnessing that because it was through that, I say it was my breakdown that LED me to my breakthrough. And for many people, that even happens in a relationship, there's some sort of breakdown that happens at least to a breakthrough. As long as both people are willing to do the problem won't work and be intentional about how they can actually navigate a relationship to a point where they will be stopped. There will be challenges, there will be obstacles, and it's not about avoiding those challenges. I could have avoided it. I could have escaped know my reality, but I decided to step into it and lean into it and say, how can I move forward for note the best of myself, for the best of my relationships too, right?

You brought up a point that I often talk about our personal growth is essential for our relationship. Hell, you know, the reason we work on ourselves is also to improve all of our relationships. We can't just do it and work on ourselves and go. Okay, now I'm done. Cause you actually can't work on yourself if you're not in the context of a relationship, friendships, family, romantic relationships. Cause that's where, like, certain things get kicked up, right, like, that finger goes into the wounding twist. Yeah, oh, that still hurts. I need to work on that. So it's beautiful that you were able to really see our thoughts. And our emotions are so intertwined in the belief systems around them.

The beauty of CBT, right, I need to be doing this in the context of relationships with others, whether through work or in your personal life. When we talk about emotional health, people tend to think about an emotionally healthy relationship or all the positive emotions, happy, joyful, fun, adventurous, you know, all of these things. But really, what are the emotions that a healthy relationship has?

Yeah, that's a great question, because you're right tend to think and base our relationships on those happy, late, ecstatic, all is going well, and yes, that does exist. There's also a coexistence when it comes to off things that might not necessarily feel as comfortable. There might be the frustration, might be the anger, might be the disappointment that comes through. And we have to remember that emotions are indicators. There is no right or wrong emotion. It's just giving you an indication as to how you are feeling in that moment, what you are experiencing in that moment.

So I would say it's so important to have an element of emotional awareness so you can then start to appreciate and notice patterns is all about the power of patterns. Because if we always are laboring something happy or you might even say I'm angry, I'm angry, you might not necessarily be angry. You might be frustrated.

And the thing about when we can start to notice more patterns or frustration, start labelling our emotions correctly. I say correctly because it's really important that we can then say, oh, I've noticed on this time these many times, these many occasions that I've been frustrated. What was the trigger? Then you can work backwards and say, woo, I'm starting to notice patterns. Each time this happens, I feel frustrated now.

Sometimes it's not always easy to label emotions. And I would encourage listeners to maybe go online and search for the wheel of emotions is such a wonderful powerful tool cause it starts to show you the layers, you start to peel back the onions. And then you can say, oh, actually I'm not frustrated, I'm disappointed. Why am I disappointed? What's causing the disappointment? And you can explore emotions.

Give us an opportunity to explore emotions, give us an opportunity to be curious and not beat myself up, but to feel guilty or to blame ourselves about feeling a certain way. It allows you to chance to actually lean into it and say, how else would my lava feel really? And what situations can I create in order to feel that way?

Yes, I'm so glad you brought up the wheel of emotions cause I'm like, oh, it's like the wheel of emotions. Yes, yes. So it's not that the emotions are, quote, good or bad for a healthy relationship. It's what patterns are you noticing and how often are those patterns occurring that give you a sign of health or not.

But you know what I would even add an emotionally healthy relationship is aware of the patterns. It's not that the patterns can't be there because we bring our, you know, as you shared, we bring our childhood stuff to relationships. We are like, we know our younger self comes into that puppy love and we're like, wait, that's not how it's supposed to be. So we do these things. So these patterns knowing that they're there is what also allows us to be healthier because we're really drawing them to light.

Absolutely a way to notice these patterns is through journaling, for example, to actually start Whiting down what you are noticing with no judgement. And then you can start to say, okay, but how am I feeling in this moment? Cause remember what I said before is that your thoughts are triggering your emotions. So when you start to look at your emotions, then you can think, so, what was I thinking at that time?

And sometimes we're not thinking the best, most healthiest way. And I always say, and I encourage my clients to say, so would you say to yourself, cause sometimes it's self talk, that's sorry, not for us more than anything else. So would you share that or would you say that to a young child, for example? Would you criticize a young child in that way, or would you offer some sort of encouragement or something that's more healthier, so to speak, in that relationship?

So it gives you a point and a reference point, be able to say, oh, I witness it, no judging, no blaming, what else could I say in order to feel better? What would I tell a child, what I tell my daughter, what I tell my niece, what I tell someone very young or close friend or loved one?

It's an opportunity to actually tap into it. There's a power of journaling, and I also say to write it down. There's a power of actually using your pen, taking the intangible and pushing it into something tangible. Getting a pen and whitening it. Yes. Okay. You can type it out if you wish to, cause that might be your preferred method of doing so. But it's something very powerful about actually putting pen to paper and seeing your own handwriting.

And sometimes it might just be scribble painting. That might be all that comes out. It might not have been words, but the scribbling will still be symbolic of what you are experiencing at that time.

And I love that you've drawn line to being curious, no judgment. Pay attention. And when you put it on paper or type it out on the screen to look at it with that curiosity of what are the thoughts I'm telling myself as I have these feelings? You know, what, what is it that's coming up for me, I think that's an important piece.

We often when we're journaling, we just like, and then this happened and then this happened, and this happened, and I felt this way and we don't go, but what was I thinking? We have been adding to it, making it worse, making it better, you know, whatever it might be, curiously asking those questions is essential absolutely.

Because curiosity traits that space in that room to be able to even go back a little bit further because as you mentioned before, Katie, some of it will stem back to our childhood experiences and songs, like we say, this reminds me of a time when, so it might not even be completely related to what you are experiencing right now.

I feel frustrated that my partner yelled at me, but that reminds me of that time when I was at school actually, and my teacher yelled at me and I felt humiliated in front of my class. Okay. So let me lean into the humiliation and find out how I can maybe heal that wound. Because a lot of our wounds actually stem back a little bit further.

So this isn't to feel like heavy work, so to speak, if you put it from a place of curiosity and maybe even set up an environment, but it feels like it's a fun time to be able to explore it, a safe time to explore it. You got music playing in the background, you got all of your senses alive, maybe you got candle burning or some incense.

Make it a space where you feel safe and it feels conducive to be able to lean into it or take your pen and paper and go and sit in nature or a coffee shop or somewhere else. Just switch it up a little bit so that you are able to tap into the actual learning experience. It's a learning experience, as I would say it is, it's a deep dive for sure, absolutely.

So what would you say are key signs of an emotionally healthy relationship? And as you share that, maybe share some of the misconceptions then, cause that kind of you maybe lead with the misconception and then give us like what actually is healthy.

Yeah, let me leave with some of the misconceptions then that come from being in a relationship. So some of the common misconceptions about having an emotional health relationship is firstly, that it has to be perfect. Now we can understand in the world of social media, there's a lot out there showing the perfect relationship. But remember, we're only getting the highlights, we're getting the showcase rules out there.

So it's not about perfection at all when it comes to relationship. It's not about having constant agreement or avoiding conflict. Now many people think that we, we never argue. So that might be the state of your relationship and that might be actually representative of how your relationship is. Are you avoiding the conflict or is that just a natural disposition of the relationship?

So conflict actually allows us to be able to learn how to communicate effectively. So it's not about avoiding it. It's how do you navigate those situations that may feel uncomfortable.

Now we know that there's so many reasons why people avoid conflicts. They could be fear of retaliation, fear of judgement. Maybe you did speak up to your partner and it didn't land very well and there was a big blow up and you don't want that to happen again. So then you start to people please, you start to diminish yourself, not speak up whole actual truth, only going to make us feel stifled and suffocated. So this is all about knowing how to communicate effectively in a way that feels compassionate, in a way that shows empathy, in a way that feels safe for us and to speak our truth.

So those are some of the common misconceptions. I think mainly when it comes to, um, having emotional healthy relationship is the avoidance tactics and always been in constant agreement. So the next part of the question was, so what does an emotionally healthy relationship look like now that is going to be very different for each couple because what healthy looks like in a relationship made it very, very different to each person. Firstly, it's knowing what you would like to feel. What do you want to feel as a person emotionally in your relationship?

You may want to feel trust. You may want to feel that you are respected. You may want to feel that you are having safety and intimacy contentment, and also understanding what your partner feels because you might not necessarily have that same. I know understanding of what emotions you want to feel, but having that understanding and compassion and empathy towards that is so important.

I've mentioned intimacy for example. Intimacy is so emotional. Intimacy is so important when it comes to a relationship. And emotional intimacy is that deep sense of closeness and understanding between two people and is one of the most important aspects of having a very strong, fulfilling relationship for me as well, I'd say that it's what keeps a relationship getting connected between two people is how you feel supported by that person and how you can become resilient even through challenging times, through the key to actually feel that you've got that resilience but you feel seen, you feel understood, you feel valued, all of those things there.

Now a few common signs that, for example, there is a lack of emotional intimacy for big communication breakdowns. That's one of the things that I definitely see in my precious. Perhaps you even noticed that there are some physical and emotional changes. There's small moments of intimacy, affection that used to have are no longer there. Things have started to change, and you started to notice that things are starting to change there.

So again, you may start to feel very lonely in a relationship now. You have that feeling where you are physically there with each other, but emotionally you feel lonely in that relationship. So some of these signs may show up and you think, boom, okay, how am I feeling in that relationship? So it's really for people to define what emotions they want to experience and how they can share that with their partner.

I want to ask because as you're sharing them on cash, I've got some clients right now who never had healthy emotional intimacy modeled for them. And they don't know, and they said that in session, I don't know how to do. Like, I don't exactly understand because when my partner says, I want deeper emotional connection, give me the math equation for it. I don't understand what it means. Can you give us some tactile examples of what emotional intimacy might look for a couple, knowing that it's different for everybody. Maybe I'm giving just some real symbols of what that would look like.

Yeah, sure. Vulnerability is key. Vulnerability is key in any relationship when it comes to emotional intimacy. It's about allowing yourself to be able to express your emotions, to be able to ask for support, and to be open about your struggles when it comes to what you are experiencing, any concerns that you may have. So ask yourself, now, do we actually take time to sit down and share our thoughts, our fears, and our dreams to each other? Are you coughing up intentional time to do that? Do you feel emotionally connected in your relationship or is there any sort of distance?

So I would invite the listeners to actually say, to do this a quick test, actually on a scale of 1 to ten, how emotionally connected do you feel in your relationship now? 1 being I feel disconnected, emotionally distant. I struggle to communicate clearly and openly with my partner. 10 being I feel deeply connected, I feel secure, I feel able to share openly without the field hesitation.

Now how you scale yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 is gonna be so insightful in determine whether your relationship is emotionally healthy that if you sit back and to say actually, yeah, I, I don't feel like I can connect, I can have an open honest conversation with my partner. And that is opportunity to tap in and to say, so in what way can we carve out time to be able to have that?

Communication is so important when it comes to, you know, having that space of one ability, and I like to reference having hot communication, honest, open, transparent communication. This is where you can actually sit down with your partner and you can ask them some deep questions. Are you being honest in the relationship? So are you able to really express how you are feeling in that relationship? Are you able to express your concern to struggles, the highs, the lows in that relationship?

It's really important you can sit down and navigate that, being open as well, creating that space where you can be open with them. But they feel that you can't be open with your partner is understanding what is causing that note. That might not have been anything that your partner has done necessarily in a relationship. It might have stem back to previous experiences that you have that you haven't felt that you are able to be open with your partner.

So really look into that and transparent. Can you be very clear with what it is that you want to share? I would say that a lot of that is conducive to how we are sharing and where we are sharing to Katie. So consider the, the timing of that conversation. If your partner seems to be a bit tired, seems to be little lacking energy so to speak, that might not be the best time to have a conversation with your partner as well. Or you may be so keen and eager to really let go and really express how you're feeling, but it's really important that you're able to step back and say, but how is that gonna be received by that person? Am I really going to get the response that I am hoping for to in that moment?

Just consider the timing of that and energy. I would also say to consider the environments. So just as I spoke about when you are journaling and you might want to take that environment somewhere, that conversation, somewhere else, that journey in peace. You could also think about, maybe the home isn't the place to have that conversation with somebody. Um, if it's gonna be a bit more of a trickier conversation, perhaps you can go in a walk together and they can talk in nature or just talk side by side. We might take it somewhere else.

The environment sometimes isn't a home environment to have that conversation. And it can be really helpful to plan your words. Sometimes you just write it out. Write out exactly what you want to say because when we sit down, we can get nervous and we can actually just have a little bit of a disclaimer to say, look, I've written down how I'm feeling in this moment and I'm just gonna read it. And if you give me the opportunity to share, and then there'll be an opportunity for you to actually respond and share your thoughts on it too.

Because it allows you to be able to be very, I guess, logical about what you want to say and to just be able to express yourself with what you want to say rather than actually sitting back and thinking, oh, okay, I now need to think, I forgot what I was going to say and start to stumble. At least everything is written down, oh my goodness. Every practical tool in the book, thank you.

First of all, hot communication. I love that honest, open, transparent. We're having these conversations, looking at the energy that our partner has or that we have and taking a moment to write it down. I think often, especially nowadays a social media, when we wanna say something, we're so still like put it out there, but we do have to think about the context, the timing for our partner.

Are they ready to receive it? Are they in a space that they can be open, or are we setting ourselves up for failure, which will just confirm for us? See, they're never emotionally available. Well, of course, if you keep giving it to him at the end of the day when they're exhausted and they got nothing left to give, you will keep receiving that. This is so essential and something we forget to think about because we just think of the impulsivity of how we feel. And I know something you like to talk about is how we can regulate our nervous system so that we can really be emotionally healthy too, right? This isn't just our partner, this is also us. Can you speak to us a bit about that?

Absolutely. So our nervous system will go all out of whack, so to speak, if we are in that situation where we don't feel safe. So this is about creating less space where our body feel safe, our nervous system feels safe. Otherwise, you might fight, flight, freeze, fawn, some of the fear responses that come out. So regulating our nervous system can look like breath work, for example, even before you go into a conversation with your partner, practice the power of your breath. And are many different breathing techniques out there. Find one that is suitable for you, for your health situation too, that you can tap into that.

And it's not just about regulating the nervous system when you're going to have a conversation. Make this a regular practice even when you're sitting down. So it just feels normal and natural to you. When we feel unsafe is because something doesn't feel normal or natural to us. So it's important that we are able to create that rhythm, that breath, breath rhythm that natural. We can go into a conversation about, I'm just gonna do a couple of deep breaths and I feel really good about that. So that is really good for regulating our nervous system.

Also, think about grounding techniques as well. How can you feel grounded? So again, this is stuff that I would encourage people to make as a practice. So it's part of your life. So there are many different bounding techniques out there. There's one way you can focus on your five senses, for example. So you notice five things that you can see, four things that you can touch. Then there's three things that you can hear, two things that you can smell, and one thing that you can taste. So when you start to ground yourself in your senses, you bring yourself back to the present. Because anxiety, worry, fear is all about us living in the future but thinking about something in the future. One of the most helpful things that we can do is to be present and to be in the now. So that is a way that you can really start to regulate your nervous system too.

Again, Katie, you cannot underestimate the power or physical activity as well in order for regulating our nervous system. Going on walks, running, maybe practices such as yoga, stretching, it really can start to release some of the tension and it can improve our mood, improve our emotions. So the mind body connection, body mind connection, it flows both ways. So often when my clients are in a state of worry, frustration, anxiety is because they are all up in their mental states. And I say, let's bring it back to the body. This is not the time for you to be thinking right now. Ha ha. This is the time for you to be in your body, to do something that can ground you.

So those type of techniques can be so regulating for the nervous system, self soothing techniques as well. Maybe having a bath and maybe doing something such as muscle relaxation, bring it back to the body. And I could talk about nutrition, I could talk about water, I could talk about all of those good things too. But one of the main things is actually bring it back to the body, is so key for regulating our nervous system definitely.

I tend to tell couples that you have to think of yourself as a car. And are you showing up to the relationship with like a rusty car with flat tires? And, like, it's not going. Are you really taking care of yourself so that you can be as sharp as you need to be to have a healthy relationship? Cause a lot of the things you brought up, if we haven't slept well, if we are not taking good care of what, you know, how we're eating or exercising, if we're not doing check ins with ourselves, we're gonna just come and kind of word vomit on our partner. All the things we think or feel that they're doing wrong, or what we need more of, and it will not be productive.

Definitely Katie, a lot of the frustrations and some of the, the concerns that we have can actually be mitigated if we just spend time with ourselves. Sometimes we don't even need to have that conversation because we have grounded ourselves so much that that thing that was about to be a biggie is no longer a biggie to talk about. And this is when we give ourselves that me time. Interdependence in a relationship is so important, is such a great way to be able to navigate our emotions. You can have your independence, you can be able to coexist as a couple, but be able to have your own me time, do your own thing as a person is so important that you can come back to relationship with a fresh new energy.

And I think that a lot of the things I spoken about today have been quite, I guess, reactive, combative and says that this is how you can communicate, but we have to be very intentional about being proactive in our relationship too. So carving out intentional time, even if it is scheduling in our relationship meetings, so check in with each other to say, how's, how's things going? What's the state of our relationship night? Is there anything that we could stop, start, continue doing? Can we do more of this? Can we do less of this? What's your goals in your dreams? Like our values to aligned, regularly checking and do that and also to have an emotionally healthy relationship.

I would strongly encourage the people listening to tap into moments of appreciation and Celebration of each other to, because noticing the green flags in a relationship. Yes, we got the song some red flags too, but the green flags, what is working is so important. Half at that time to be able to say what are our biggest victories? What are our small victories? And even the appreciation time to sit back and to say, I love to use a technique where my, my clients will say at least, at least one thing they love about their partner, why and how it makes them feel, how it makes them feel, and then one thing they respect about their partner, why and how makes them feel, then one thing that uplifts them, how does your partner uplift you? Why and how does that make you feel?

And two more, which, what are you grateful for from your partner? Why and how does it make you feel? Always happening to the emotion there. And also last one is what inspires me about you, and then why, and how does it make you feel? Because when you can create that, and therefore you're changing your point of focus on the relationship. When you start to change your point of focus on the relationship, you will start to see more good things, quote unquote, good things, healthy things show up in your relationship too.

I love that you're saying train your brain. Yes your brain to go from negative net or Nancy to hey, let's celebrate these good things that are happening and the progress points. And often I'm sure you find this in your work too.

ometimes couples are just relieved to have a third person come in and go, guys, look at the progress, and they're like, oh, I hadn't even stopped to think about it, cause I'm so focused on what's we gotta work on, and having that outsider you say, hey, we got to celebrate this. This is really good to help some to stop to do that.

Yes, and this is something I was also going to mention. No, having a third party and external party, whether that's a therapist, a counselor, a coach can really help you see your blind spots too. Because sometimes we've been in the boat struggle or in a difficulty for far too long to even once even entertain looking at somebody. I remember working with a client once, and she's like, yeah, but they're meant to do it. So I'm not going to say thank you to them. I'm like okay, you may think that that person's meant to take the bins out or is meant to do this. However, still sharing and appreciative and gratitude for that act can make them feel so much better. And it's so rewarding they may mail to do much more as well. So is that positive reinforcement that is so important when it comes to relationships. So yes, definitely focusing on the help of the relationship too is so important.

These have been wonderful. I'm gonna summarize the kind of homework assignments you've given, and then if you've got more, please don't look back, cause we love them here on this podcast. The first one is for us to start to journal and notice the patterns, notice the patterns in how we're feeling and what thought processes might be behind them, just really brought home. Like journaling is the best way to do this on a daily basis. But again, finding those patterns and how is it you want to feel and how the start to shift that to recognize. Are you able to have hot communication with your partner, right? Honest, open and transparent, and what are ways you could better look at the timing of conversations? Noticing the energy, maybe doing a check in with your partner before you bring up something major and looking at, can I write down what I wanna say so that I stay focused because often we lose our partner in the monologue of the five different examples of how they did that one thing, rather than just saying this is what bothers me and I'd like this to change, right? And when we write it down, that helps.

And then you talked about having relationship meetings where we address what we appreciate in each other and what we celebrate that week and sense of the progress we've made together. Is there anything I missed or anything you would want to say? Hey, add this to that list.

I would say that you have captured that wonderfully, Katie. As always, things to add, but in always as a case of that, this is a starting point. This is a step forward. We don't want to overwhelm anybody. These things that you have captured, it absolutely is an opportunity for people to be explorative, to be curious and to take the learning from the situation in a way that is compassionate, that is understanding, shows empathy. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, but how they may feel is all key to having that emotionally healthy relationship.

And I also do have an any guide, actually that I should have referenced which can help people to be able to use a free e guide but able to tap into igniting emotional intimacy. So what I'll do is I'll also share that with the very different links, so that is completely free. And there are 12 questions as well that help you to be curious with your partner in terms of building that emotional intimacy too.

That's some wonderful, yes, that will be in the show note. So please go grab that and start to talk with your partner. This is a great way, I find like worksheets like that are a great way for people to open the conversation rather than, hey, we need to talk. Don't start conversations that way people. We all know that that's like, oh, instead being like, oh my gosh, I found these fun questions. Are you up for like three of them? And like ask 3 and then just kinda see where it goes. I'd love that you have that resource.

If people wanna connect with you, find you in your community in space. Where can they do that?

Thank you. I would love to connect with these who are listening to the show. So it's Tarisha t e r e s h a. My surname is Yang, y o, u n G, and you can find me across all social media platforms as Tarisha Yang. There's no complications to that. So I'm on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, um, x threads, you can find me there, also my website WWW dot torrishayang dot com, and also you can email me if you so wish to choose so at let's connectattorrishayang.com.

Love that, and you have your own podcast, so share real quick, what's the name in your podcast?

I do is Real Relationship Talk, the podcast where we have conversations about love, well, being dating and relationships. And I was completely honored, Katie, to have you as a very special guest on my podcast, which will be dropping very soon. And we had such a wonderful conversation there, so really looking for, I'm gonna get game. Whereas to what that topic is about, gonna have to tune in to the podcast to see.

Yes, it was so good. People will love it. I have really appreciated this conversation. It is such a gift for me to talk with other specialists in the field and to hear how each of us talk about sometimes the same things but in totally different ways because it really speaks to those who need to hear it that way. And I had let like the green flags and all the different things that you brought up of just recognizing our emotions. How do we wanna feel bringing the CBT into it? I appreciate what you do and thank you for being a supporter of emotionally healthy relationship and recognizing it's not all butterflies and rainbows, that it is hard work, that it's daily hard work. And then it becomes this amazing habit that makes it so much easier to just make like, this is normal and anything that goes off is that pattern you wanna recognize and you're like, ah, we can shift this. We can go, you know, talk with someone or we can get some support or read a book or listen to things to support us up.

Thank you for the wisdom you shared with us today.

Thank you so much for having me. And I really pray that this has connected with the people who have listened to the show. It's been a wonderful experience. So thank you for having me and dear listeners, we'll see you next week.

Thanks for tuning in to Relationship Reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast, it helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection to. And be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards totally worth the effort. See you next week.