0:03 So imagine you go to the doctor with a broken leg, and you're like, Doctor, I need your help. This really hurts. I can't walk on it. It's swollen, it's bruised, it's clearly broken. And the doctor's like, Yes, I can see that it's broken. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry this happened to you. And they start checking it out and doing an x ray, and it's like, yeah, it's definitely broken. And they write you a prescription for cough medicine and say, go home and take this. It's gonna help. You would think the doctor was crazy, right? You would be like, Nope, it's time for a second opinion. This doctor clearly doesn't know what they're doing. Well, this analogy applies to our relationships too, and I'm gonna explain why in just a minute. So grab a warm drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild. The podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed up. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. Okay, so I know the analogy sounds funny, right? You go to a doctor with a broken leg, they're clearly not going to give you cough medicine. Here's what I mean by this is something that happens in our relationship, I was working with a couple, and one of the things that the wife always wanted was for her husband to stop lying about silly things. Sometimes it was big things, but in general, it was just silly things. And whenever he would get caught lying about something, thankfully, that was never something serious to end their relationship, but still was definitely hitting at the foundation of their relationship. She would confront him and say, I really wish you would work on no longer lying to me like I really wish you felt like you could be honest with me and that your gut response wasn't lying to me. So we started working together, and of course, there was a history there of lying. He grew up in a family situation where lying got him out of trouble and it just worked out for him. See, there's no behaviors that we repeat that aren't working for us in some way or worked for us in the past, and so we keep doing them. Okay? So lying for him was a way to protect him from getting in trouble, protect him from his parents' emotions, protect him from a lot of things, but in his marriage, it was actually making things worse, right? If we continue to lie in our marriage, we will break trust, we will erode at the respect that's in the relationship, connection, communication, everything gets knocked down, like totally knocked down. So it makes sense that this couple was coming and going, Okay, this has to change. And for her, what had to change was him lying. What typically would happen is he would get caught lying about something. She would say, I wish you would stop lying about this. I don't understand why you can't communicate with me about what it is from the beginning, what's happening, and the next day, he would bring her flowers and start to help out with more things around the home. He was giving her cough syrup. She had a broken leg. You have hurt me. You are lying to me. She was giving him the clear medicine. Stop lying. Work on being more honest. But instead of that, he was giving her cough syrup. Let me fix this by giving you flowers and doing things that make you happy. And we talked about that, yes, in the moment, she smiles and maybe she feels more connected to you, but she still is hurting. The leg is still broken. And when I gave that analogy, they both laughed, and then they said, Yeah, that makes sense. He was able to see that really. She made it very clear what she needed to improve things, and he wasn't really willing to do that work, or knew how to do the work, to be honest, to stop a habit that had been there since childhood. See, I believe often, we really do tell our partners what we need to repair things after something that they've done to hurt us. We're very clear on what we need. It's about whether or not our partner is willing to listen, willing to change, and really believes that that change will improve things like I shared with the original couple. This habit had worked for him throughout his childhood, which made it an adaptive behavior. So think about that, in our childhood, we have these adaptive behaviors that help us get by of not having to deal with getting in trouble or feeling alone or disappointing our parents. You know, there's a lot of different behaviors. We all know what ours were from childhood that helped us to adapt. We were the golden kid. We were the class clown, whatever it might be. Well, as we get older, these behaviors become maladaptive. The class clown in adulthood is wow, I can't take you seriously. You can never be serious about these things. The golden child struggles with perfection, and her partner is always like, gosh, your expectations are too high, and I feel like I can never live up to them. So these adaptive behaviors become maladaptive over time, and then what happens in our marriage is we meet our partner, they have their adoptive child side that now has maladaptive behaviors, and we have ours, and most of the time, they butt into each other like on repeat. And it's frustrating. It's so frustrating. But there are these moments where the wise adult side of us comes out and says, This is what I need from you to repair things, to rebuild trust, to rebuild connection, to feel safe with you again. But because in childhood, these behaviors worked for us, we're like, I don't know. I don't know if I want to try something new. I don't know if I have to break out of this habit. Now, obviously this is not a conscious thing that we're saying, but subconsciously, it just makes it so much easier to be on autopilot and act the way we always have, even if we realize it's not working for us. But here's the thing, if you or your partner keep giving each other cough syrup for a broken leg, you are negatively impacting your long term relationship in the short term. Yes, sure, you put a band aid on it, but a huge gaping wound that's bleeding out, the band aid's not going to save. And I know that seems like an extreme example, but often when major things do happen. There is this remorse period where the other person is like, oh gosh, I've messed up. So let me buy them their favorite foods. Let me do the special things they like, but they don't actually work on healing what they did. So this is a conversation you and your partner need to have, and I want you to be honest with yourself, because frankly, it's not usually just one side who gives cough syrup to the other. What are things that both of you have done to the other said, not said done, not dead, right, it's not always that we do things. It's also the lack of doing that can hurt our partner, and we gave them, cough syrup to heal it, we gave them something that's actually not going to fix it because. 

6:59 It just seemed easier and faster than actually working on the thing that bothered them, that upset them. And once you figure out the things you've done, you can sit down, because it'll be much easier to do it the opposite way and write down what is it that they've done to you that felt like they were just giving you cough syrup for your broken leg, and be very clear. What is it that you said you needed, or what do you realize now you needed to actually repair and fix things? Here's the other piece that we often overlook. So yes, sometimes we'll give cough syrup for a broken leg because those habits worked for us, and also sometimes because we don't agree that we did anything wrong. Sometimes we don't feel like we've done something that's really that big of a problem. But because of our partner sensitivity, now we have to apologize. Now we have to repair things. The issue is, you married your partner, not you, right? Like, if you were married to you, then you'd be like, Oh, this is not a big deal, whatever. Move on. But you married your partner. You married your partner knowing that they were their own identity, they have their own thoughts, their own feelings about things, their own sensitivities and their own tolerances. So when you do something that really hurts them, then you need to be able to respond in a way that helps them. Does that make sense? So even if it's something that you're like, that would not bother me. I don't understand why this is a big deal. I didn't think it was relevant to share this information with you. I didn't think this would be something that you'd really care to know. I did that thing because it's what I wanted to do, and I wasn't thinking of you right, like at the end of the day, that's what it is. I really wasn't thinking of you, or I just didn't want to tell you, because I knew you'd tell me you don't want me to do it, but I really want to do it. And then we're in a power and control dynamic in the relationship that's a whole different topic, but you love your partner and you want to repair things with them, so have the conversation around. Hey, I know this bothers you, but it doesn't bother me, and I want to be able to still have some freedom to do these particular things. Now, obviously, in the first example about lying, the issue was I don't want to get in trouble for the things I choose to do or not do, and I don't really want to have to report to you like a parent. So they had to have the discussion around how he could start to share some of the thoughts he had or decisions he wanted to make, and how she could not just shut them down immediately, but to really listen and go, Okay, I may not understand this, but here's the compromise I'm willing to make with you on this topic, so you don't have to lie to me about it. We often forget there is a middle way. It's not always going to have to be one side or the other side. There is something in the middle that can be found. It may not make both of you completely happy, but it will definitely keep the marriage strong, because again, your marriage, your relationship has its own identity. Think of a Venn diagram. There's you, there's your partner, and how they come together is a third identity, and it needs to be taken care of. So when you hurt your partner, or when your partner hurts you, that also impacts that third identity. And if you repair the broken leg with cough syrup, you're making it about what you want and not about your partner. I love teaching The Five Love Languages. It's not for everybody, and I get that, but I think The Five Love Languages helps us to remember that how we experience and receive love is not how other people do. So that's why I love teaching it. Often I will find that someone will say, Well, I know that they like to receive gifts, but I like gifts in this way, so that's how I'm giving it, because it's from me, and I go, okay, but you're not in relationship with yourself, and this is a gift for your partner, and you want them to appreciate and love it. So why are you making it about you? And that usually makes somebody stop and think, because, yeah, it's not a gift for you. It's a gift from you. It's about the other person. It's the same when we want to do something to heal, the healing is not for you. The healing is for them, and it's coming from you. So finding out the ways you can help heal things from the past, beyond just saying, I'm sorry, unless your partner says, literally, I just need you to acknowledge and say, I'm sorry. Great. That's very easy. Go for it, and then I would hope they'd also say, and please try not to do it again, like, Don't

11:04 repeat this. I don't want you to have to apologize, like, every week for the same thing. But listen to what your partner needs and understand that that's what's going to repair it. If you think it's unreasonable, then share that with them, share that you don't really agree that your freedom should be taken in this way, or that you should always have to decide things in another way. It's okay to have these discussions. It's not about right or wrong or who has power and control, but it's about having an open discussion about the problem that hurt your partner so that they can also understand your intentions. And here's another thing, just because your intentions weren't to hurt your partner doesn't mean they're not going to get hurt. I roll my eyes internally, because I would never do this in session. When someone says, Well, I didn't mean for it to be taken that way, like, great. That's your intentions. Again. You didn't marry yourself. You married your partner. They are going to be sensitive to different things. They have their own inner child that has a history of issues, and so things are going to touch them and upset them in different ways. You're in relationship with your partner, not yourself. So if you try to repair things, or if you try to convince them that your intentions were good so they should see it that way, you might as well stop while you're ahead. You're trying to be in relationship with yourself, and that's a lonely road, let's be honest. So take some time write down, where have you given cough syrup for a broken leg that your partner had and vice versa? Where have they not really listened to what you need to repair things and chosen to repair things the way they want to? And then sit down and have a conversation about this, I think often we forget we're grown adults, and we can have these discussions, but usually one or both of us feels a sense of failure or rejection or fear of getting in trouble, so we deflect, run away from get reactive when we need to have these types of conversations. So if you find that you're in that space where you're like, we need to have some difficult conversations, and it is really hard for us to do it together. Then book a relationship game plan call with me. They're complimentary, and it is great way for me to hear what's going on and the patterns and habits that are happening, and to be able to help you see. How can you more clearly and more distinctly have these conversations in a way that's effective. You can find the link to book one of those calls in the show notes. We have to remember we're in relationship with our partner, not ourselves, and so we have to start treating them that way, rather than going through life thinking it's just so much easier if they think and feel the way we do and react and believe the things that we do. No, you didn't take your partner because they were like you. You picked the partner because they were them. And they come with all their stuff just like you come with all your stuff, so you've got your homework. Reflect. Sit down, have a conversation about it. Use this funny analogy, because it helps couples to laugh at the situation and to think of it in a different way, rather than point the finger and go, You did this. You did that. You're not enough. You can't do this correctly. Talk about what will really heal and repair, and why healing and repairing that way might be difficult for one of you. It might be as simple as you just don't agree on the method, and then you remind each other, we're in relationship with our partner, not ourselves. And how can we start to take steps towards each other than steps away from each other, no more band aids on the huge wounds that are bleeding out. We really need to start repairing and healing our relationship, because this takes care of long term resentment issues. We resolve things faster. Resentment is not there. Grudges are not being held onto. We have moved forward and repaired the foundation of our relationship. Okay? I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and this analogy gave you some things to think about if you've got questions, reach out to me on Instagram at Katie dot wrestler or again book one of those complimentary relationship game plan calls, and let's get you and your partner in a better place.