The  longer that we're together, the more inevitable it is that we're gonna hit a point where we. 

0:15 do talk about it, it's usually in the form of somebody's had an affair, somebody bought a red sports car, or completely left their family and started a new one. Well, we don't want to get to that point, so let's talk about what's really going on when we start to ask the question, Am I really happy in this relationship, and should I stay, or should I go? So grab a paper and pen something warm to drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship, reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild. The podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed up. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. 

1:26 So I recently led a workshop on this topic, because I was noticing, especially for women, this is coming up a lot, the question of, should I stay or should I go? Am I actually happy? And you know, what's interesting enough is it's not just women who are having it, but more women are talking about it. Men are having these questions as well. They're just not as open to talking about it. They're not as open to sharing what's going on inside. And there's definitely for both sides, a feeling of failure, a feeling of like, maybe this will pass. Maybe it's just a season of our lives. But let's be real. We're taking care of our kids. Our parents are aging, and all we can do is look at each other and go, I don't know if I'm going to make it through this. So it's natural we're going to start asking things about our relationship too. But here's what I want to invite you to think about during this time, should I stay or should I go? Isn't always about the actual relationship we're in. Should I Stay or Should I Go is about more of an evolution of us. Should I stay the way I am, or should I start to develop into the person I know I'm meant to be? Am I happy? Am I happy in this relationship? Am I happy in the career choice I made? Am I happy in my family's life? Am I happy in the way that I have set up life to be, not how life is happening to me? Because we often play the victim role and say, oh my gosh, all of these things keep happening to me, but often we're choosing them. I know we don't like to hear that often we really are choosing the stuff that's coming towards us. Now that's very hard for me to say, as someone who, in a very short amount of time lost a parent and had two miscarriages, so I'm not saying that those things I chose, but the amount of stress that continued to swallow up my life during that time, I definitely chose. I chose to keep myself busy. I chose to fill up my calendar. I chose to keep saying yes to other things instead of focusing on simplifying and taking care of me. So when we get into a season of our lives where there's a lot of things we don't feel like we can control, we will start to create control by saying yes, yes yes to volunteering, yes to taking on another project at work, yes to taking on more roles and responsibilities that keep us busy so we don't have to focus on what's not working right now. But here's the kicker, the longer we avoid taking the time to reflect on what the questions we have are actually telling us and what they're inviting us to do, the more of a divide that will happen in our relationship. So you know how I said at the beginning that it's inevitable, the longer we're together, we're going to ask these questions. It's really true. The longer we're together, we're going to re evaluate. It's the same in work. It's the same with friendships. It's the same in our personal lives. The longer we're here on Earth, we start to say, Do I like this? Do I not like this? Do I want things to change? Do I want them to stay the same? This is normal. It's a normal part of us evolving and growing. But of course, when it comes to our relationship, when we start to ask these questions, we see them as red flags and not yellow or orange flags that are indicators of improvements that need to be made, changes that need to occur. The other issue is, we see them as red flags, and we also see them as our partners the problem. Even if we go, yes, it's our communication, yes, it's this or that, yes, it's the stress of the season of life, we're able to see all the ways they're screwing things up. We're able to see how they are the problem and how they react or don't react, are causing the issues, how them avoiding or being too emotional creates bigger problems for us than what we're doing. But here's the thing, should I stay or should I go? Am I happy? Is this what I want for the next decade of my life has really nothing to do with our partner and everything to do with us. And I don't say that lightly, because I get it some of us are married to people that we really are now reevaluating and saying I really don't think this is a good fit. But no matter where you are and who you're married to, questioning is an invitation for you to take a step back and reflect and to really ask yourself, what is it that I'm not happy with? And I led a workshop on this recently, and I asked the group to reflect on what do they feel like they've lost in their relationship over the last several years? What parts of themselves have they let go of? How have they become quieter and lost their voice, or more reactive and angry in ways they didn't see themselves ever being how had they changed and what did they not like about it? Of course, we can all see some changes that happened in our lives over the last decades and go, Oh, I really like this about myself. I like that these changes happened, and many of them happened in the context of our relationship. But asking yourself, what are the parts of you you don't like anymore? What are the parts of you you feel like you've lost or you miss or you feel disconnected from? It's going to start to show you, where have you been so focused on people, policing, taking care of everyone else and everything else, and not focusing on you? Where have you been trying to keep the peace? But by doing that, you've ended up signing up for things you don't actually want to do you don't enjoy. They go against your values. Where do you wish you had been a little more emotionally reactive? I put that in quotations and really spoken up and said, I'm not okay with this. And where do you feel like you over compromised? Yes, we all have to make compromises, especially those of us who are in bicultural and bilingual relationships, there are a lot of compromises that come with it, but where do you feel like you've over compromised? You know, I shared this story in the workshop that I got to a point with my husband where I could just see all of the areas that I had adopted and compromised in our relationship, all the changes I made. I moved to his home country. I'm having to learn his language. I'm raising my kids and his culture. I'm having to learn his education and health system, all of these things. Felt like, gosh, I had to do all of this. What did you have to do? And I remember saying to him those exact words I can fill up a sheet of paper of all the things where I've had to adjust and compromise. For you, what have you had to do for me? I can think of like, maybe enough to fill up one hand. And he started listing all the things that he had to adapt or adjust or compromise on that I hadn't even thought about. See, it's so much easier to see how I'm not the problem that my partner is then to stop and go, Oh, my partners had to make adjustments to their dreams, goals and wishes. They've had to make changes to what they saw life looking like. They've had to make adjustments because I am who I am, my personality, my culture, my family background. He had to adjust to those things. I didn't think about that. I was just so frustrated at him. All I could see is what he was doing to me and all the ways I had been the best partner ever for him? Well, best partner in quotations, right? It was a really difficult and honest conversation we needed to have because it made me look in the mirror. It had me Stop pointing the finger at him and start to say, Okay, what's going on in me. But all I want to do is see him as the problem. Why don't I stop and look at myself? Why don't I stop and look at how I've compromised myself in ways that I'm upset about, instead of pointing the finger and blaming him for it. I often see this with the couples that like me, move to their partner's home country, and there's a resentment that gets held onto towards their partner, even if they chose to move to that country equally, right? Like I did. Yes, I'll totally move to your home country. I see the value in it. This will be wonderful. There's still this undercurrent of resentment that that decision even had to be made. But like in my situation, I actively made the decision too. My partner didn't drag me. He didn't say, this is the only way I'll leave you if you don't do it. There was no threats. I said, Yes, but I resented him because it was hard, especially the first few years, there was so much to still learn and understand, and it was so much easier to blame him than to go, I'm just really not happy, and this isn't what I thought it would be. And I see this with couples on repeat, where one of them presents the other and they realize, yes, they actively made the decision. It was in a logical mind, not an emotional mind. However, because they're so unhappy, we just feel a sense that we need to blame somebody, and it must be the person who it's their home country, so let's blame them, because I love you. I have to live here because moving here is what made sense at the time, and it's your home country, you're going to be the problem to me. And the reality is we just have to sit back and go, am I happy with the decision I made? Hey, maybe you're not, doesn't mean your partner's the problem. And even if you're not an expat, you probably have decisions that you've made in your relationship that you look back and go, Oh, I didn't really like that. I made that decision, and maybe at the time, I did it because I thought that's what you were supposed to do as someone's partner, that made you a good partner, agreeable, willing to compromise, willing to meet them halfway, and now you're thinking, Gosh, I met you 80% of the way, not 50% of the way. This doesn't feel fair. Well, that resentment is going to start to make you wonder, Am I happy? Is this what I want for the next decade of my life? Should I Stay or Should I Go? So that's why I say that these questions are an invitation for you to take a step back and to reevaluate you. Are you happy? What is it that would make you happy? Remove your partner from the equation, not divorce them, but remove them from the equation. If it was just you, what would make you happy? And you are in the season of life where there is a lot there are aging parents. There are probably little people in your home to take care of. Maybe they're bigger now, but there are responsibilities that continue to pile up. I recently said to a couple okay, if we could burn all this down and start from the beginning, what would be the basics? What would be important? And when they started to map out what their lives would look like together in that framework, they were doing a whole lot less. They were doing much more of what they valued and cared about, and they realized there was a big decluttering process they needed to do in their lives, not just as a couple, but also individually. We often forget that clutter isn't just physical, it's also mental and emotional, and that's where the personal work has to come in. So if you're in a space right now where you're saying, Should I Stay or Should I Go? Am I really happy? Is this what I want the next decade to look like? I invite you to take a moment and really step into what are these questions actually asking me to reflect on, what is the next evolution of me going to look like? What do I want it to look like? And through that, you're going to start doing some evaluation of yourself to say, Have I allowed myself to let go of self respect, self love? Have I compromised too much where I've stopped saying yes to myself? The more you do this, you'll start to understand that your anger towards your partner, not respecting you, not listening to you, all of these things are actually a reflection of what you're not doing for yourself. I tell my clients often, okay, you want respect from your partner, so let me ask you a few questions. Do you tend to go to bed on time? Do you make sure to eat healthy meals? Are you getting some exercise in? Are you listening when your body says, Stop, that's enough, or are you pushing through and doing more and more? And often they share with me, no, I'm not really taking care of myself. And I said, Okay, well, let me just ask you this. Why do you expect your partner to respect you if you don't show yourself respect and their eyes usually open a bit wider. See what we're usually frustrated in our partner about is the thing that we need to be working on within ourselves. You don't ever listen to me. Well, the question is, have you been listening to yourself, or have you been swallowing your voice, compromising, holding in what you really want because you're trying to keep the peace, or people please, or, again, you just don't want to rock the boat. And inevitably, you're getting more and more upset, and that soda bottle eventually is going to explode. It's a big mess afterwards. But what if we start opening the cap a little by little, letting in a little bit of that air and starting to better understand what's really going on that's shaking up the soda bottle. So hopefully this has given you some food for thought, and I encourage you to sit down and listen to the episode again, and the questions I'm asking you to reflect on take a moment and really do that. What are the areas you feel like you've let yourself go in your relationship or just in life in general, what are the things you're blaming your partner for that might be a reflection of things you're upset about in yourself? And when you ask the question, Am I happy? Should I Stay or Should I Go? Is this what I want for the next decade of my life? What is it really inviting you to explore, and what is the next evolution of you going to be? If you'd like some help diving into this topic, because I realize it's pretty deep and can get pretty challenging to weed through the emotions of all the past years we've been together with our partner and to really stand firm in who we are and what we want for our lives. I invite you to schedule a complimentary map to clarity. Call it really is a way for you to get a clearer picture of what you want for your life and what it is that you're asking for from your partner to get there. Because ultimately, if we're asking these questions, we really are reflecting on, can my partner go with me on this next journey I'm embarking on? And if so, what are the things I need from them to be able to make that a successful journey together? And am I ready to hear what they need from me. So grab your map to clarity call. We're going to get clear for you on what you need, and then from there, you're going to be able to create a better plan of what you really want to see happen in your life and how to get there. You can find the link to that in the show notes below. Okay, so you've got some good homework this week to go over, and I am really interested in what answers you come up with. So book a call or contact me on Instagram @Katie.Rossler and let me know what's coming up for you. I'd really love to be able to support you as you dive into this next evolution of you, even though it feels scary right now, believe me, I get it. I've been there. I promise when you come out on the other side. It is absolutely amazing. Make it very clear on what it is you want for your life and what needs to change in your relationship to make it happen. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast, it helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection, too, and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards. Totally worth the effort. See you next week.