Hey, everyone, welcome back to the show. I'm really excited about today's episode because we're talking about something that comes up for almost every single couple at some point. How do you actually get what you need in your relationship without it turning into nagging, begging or arguing all the time? You know what I mean? You don't wanna fight about the dishes. You don't want to feel like you're begging for a little more appreciation or affection or help. You don't wanna keep dropping hints only to be disappointed again. You just wanna feel like you're on the same team, and you wanna feel seen, supported, and wanted. Today I'm gonna teach you how to shift from demand based communication to mutual collaboration. And I'm gonna share a really simple way to ask for what you need in a way that actually gets heard. And I'll be bringing in some client stories to help support you guys and what it can look like in everyday situations. So grab a warm drink, maybe pen and paper, and let's get started.

Welcome to Relationship Reset, Reignite, Reconnect, rebuilt, the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Russler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelm couples rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week will explore practical tools, relatable stories, and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in.

Here's the big truth, no one tells you when you're frustrated in your relationship. It's not about begging, and it's not about arguing. It's about collaboration. But the problem is, most people don't know how to do that. We get it in the workplace. We don't know how to do it in our romantic relationship. I worked with a guy we're gonna call him Thomas, and he was a super successful executive, brilliant at his job. But at home, he and his wife kept clashing. And it was really frustrating to him cause he's like, I do really well with people skills. I don't know why I can't figure out my wife. I don't know why I can't figure out how to communicate with her. He would get home exhausted, and the first thing you'd hear from her was something like, you never help with the kids, you forgot to take out the trash again, you don't even notice how hard I'm working around here. And look, her feelings were 100% valid. She was overwhelmed. She did need more support, but the way it came across accusations demands pressure, he immediately shut down, or he would fight back. Walls went up and nothing changed.

When I worked with Thomas, the first thing we shifted was his mindset. This isn't about winning arguments. This isn't about building a team. You don't guilt your teammate into playing better. You find a way to play better together. So he had to figure out how to not feed into her overwhelm and to honor and respect where she was coming from. And she had to learn how to start communicating her needs better. No one needs to feel guilted into being a better partner. Most of us fall into a demand mode without meaning to, especially when we're exhausted or resentful. It sounds like you never help me. You always forget why am I the only one who cares? But here's the thing, the second, you start a conversation with a demand, your partner's brain hears a threat. They feel attacked, they get defensive. They either fight you or shut down.

I had another client, will call him Luca, who told me, Katie, every time I tell my wife what I need, she gets mad. So I asked him, tell me exactly what you say. And he said, I tell her, you need to make more time for me instead of scrolling on your phone at night. Notice the framing you need to, that's not a request. That's an order. And no one likes being ordered around even if they love you. So we flipped it. Instead of demanding Luca, practice inviting collaboration. He said, hey, I really miss spending time with you. Would you be willing to put our phones down for 30 minutes tonight so we can just hang out? Way different energy, way more inviting, way more likely to get a yes. And if you noticed, he said, put our phones down. So it wasn't accusing her of anything. It was saying together, let's make this time important by putting distractions to the side for both of us.

So let's get practical. How do you actually make a better ask? I like to teach something called the soft start and specific ask method. Soft start means opening the conversation gently. Instead of barging in with frustration to give like a bowl in a China shop. You start with appreciation, empathy or acknowledgement. Then you get to a specific ask which means making one clear, doable request, not a ton and not a vague emotional download.

So here's an example. One of my past clients, will call her Stacy, told me she was sick of being the only one planning date nights. She wanted her husband to plan something for once, but every time she brought it up, it turned into a fight. You don't care about our marriage. I'm tired of being the only one who's putting in an effort. When we reframed it, here's how she tried it instead. The soft start. Hey, I know we've both been slammed and we're doing our best to just keep everything running. And I really appreciate that you're still showing up every day, even when it's tough. Now, here's the specific ask. Would you be up for planning a date night next month? I'd love to be surprised by you. See the difference? She didn't blame, she invited. She made it about connection, not criticism.

So if you're listening right now, think about one thing you wish your partner would do more of and ask yourself, how could I start that conversation softly? What's the one specific thing I could ask for? Not a huge overhaul, just one clear doable thing. And here's something we need to address. Please, please stop expecting your partner to be a mind reader. It doesn't make you weak to ask. It makes you smart. One couple I worked with kept hitting the same wall. The wife felt unloved because the husband rarely gave her compliments. The husband thought he showed he loved her through actions, fixing stuff, taking care of the house, making sure the bills were paid. He figured if he was doing all that, she should know he loved her. Meanwhile, the wife just needed to hear it sometimes, not every day, not some giant love letter, just to, hey, I really appreciate everything you did for us today. And it didn't need to be every day that he said that, just once in a while. But she didn't tell him. She presented him silently, and he had no idea he was missing a need.

When Anna finally used the soft start and specific ask method and said, hey, it would mean a lot to me if once in a while you just told me you appreciate the things that I do. And her husband lit up. He said, I had no idea that mattered so much to you. I can absolutely do that. It's a simple ask with a big payoff. But often we get in our own way of assuming our partners should know already or that they're not thinking of us enough to be able to come up with these ideas. But the reality is, is we just need to ask for what we need or what we want and make sure it's clear actual steps to get there.

Alright, so to wrap it all up, if you want more of what you need a new relationship, drop the demands and invite collaboration. Use a soft start and make a specific ask. Again, not vague and not emotional word vomit about how you're feeling about the thing. Just say the specific ask. Expect teamwork. Not mind reading. You're not weak for needing things. It's not a problem. And for those of you are hyper independent, I know it can be hard to ask for things, but it is essential in a relationship that we learn how to do this. You're not annoying or nagging for asking. You're building a real partnership, the kind where both people can show up, grow together and actually enjoy their life. And honestly, isn't that the whole point?

So take some time, do a little bit of journaling. What is it that you feel like is lacking in your relationship that you would like to have more of? And get real specific on how that can shift. Use a soft start, make a specific ask, and remember, you don't need to expect your partner to read your mind. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I look forward to seeing you next week.

Thanks for tuning in to Relationship Reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast, it helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection to. And be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards totally worth the effort. See you next week.