Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. We are diving into another dear Katie episode. One of the listeners had submitted an anonymous letter to me sharing some of the pains and challenges they're going through in their relationship, and asking a question about how to work on the relationship. Now, if you are in a relationship where you've moved abroad for your partner, whether it be because of their job, or you live in the country that they're from, like I do, or you've had the experience that going into parenthood ended up really changing you and your partner and creating a bigger divide and disconnect, then this episode is one you're going to listen to, so go grab a warm drink, maybe some tissues, and let's dive in. 0:48 Welcome to relationship reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild, the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. So here's a letter Dear Katie. I'm not sure if I can describe our situation in the short story, as it's really complex, at least, that's what I feel. First, I'll try to write some facts, and then the emotional parts. I'm in my late 40s, and I met my husband before I turned 20. He's nine years older than me. I've always been overweight, sometimes more, sometimes less, but he is a very sporty bill. We both have college degrees, but his job always seemed to be more important than mine. I'm pretty extroverted normally, though not so much lately, and he's rather introverted. I find him highly intelligent, a good man, a great and caring father. He has a wonderful sense of humor, but not romantic at all, absolute love, brainer. And lately, more or less since our son was born, he doesn't seem to be caring about me at all, doesn't communicate with me and doesn't have any physical activity with me. That means no sex, no kissing, No hugging, not even touching my hand. Before our son's birth, things were fine, though it still wasn't very romantic, but things happened, and I felt he wanted to be with me. When things started to change. First, I didn't even say anything. I thought he would need to adjust to the new situation, new baby, and how my body changed. I gave him time, lots of time, during which I kept blaming myself for not being able to lose weight, care for the baby and run the household, all at the same time. Then when I found the situation really bad, I initiated a conversation to find out the big why, why is he neglecting me? Why he doesn't want me anymore, and questions like that. But it was tough to start the talking. So I asked if we could discuss our issues and problems, and his answer, what problems? There are no problems. This hit me hard. How can I proceed with finding a solution if he doesn't see the problems we have? I've been following him since we met wherever he got a job, I dropped my work and moved with him. I had to reset and restart my career so many times, but when I was getting close to 40, and in the given situation, I thought I would rather turn to my own dreams at least a bit. So I opened my own business, which is my passion. I think it was kind of like an escape from my dark thoughts that I had, that I was useless or actually just a maid for him. I cooked, cleaned our home, took care of our kids, and tried to run my random business. I started to ignore him and concentrated on my business and clients, which made me happy. And finally, I felt valuable again, until he said something that pushed me to the ground, maybe not intentionally, but it hurt. He is still the main urn of the family, and still asked me sometimes, why don't get a quote normal job. Now, I know many women would have loved him already a long time ago, when I asked myself, Why I haven't I realize I'm still very attached to him. In a way. I share all the memories of my adult life with him. He's a fantastic father, of course, with some blemishes, but that's okay. He's a great man and husband. Otherwise, the only part missing is the physical touch. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have another woman as he's either at work or at home, doesn't stay out, doesn't go out with friends, maybe twice a year, with colleagues, and he still talks about our future as if everything was totally fine. I don't get it. I just don't I'm sure I'm not doing everything right, but I also don't want to accept that all these are my fault. Most of the life coaches and love coaches I've talked to have said that I have to start with myself. I need to change. I don't find that fair. It might sound selfish, but I think I'm the one who is suffering in this relationship and wants to do something to make things better. Hence, it's still me who needs to accept how he is and change. He might be suffering too, right? But then why is he not open to discuss and find a solution? In marriage counseling, my husband would laugh me around if I came up with it. He doesn't believe in such and would definitely not spend money on it. That's the end of the circle. I'm stuck feel terrible and hopeless and getting in the seemingly useless existence. Again, what should I do in order to fix the problems we have and have a happy life. Thank you for taking the time a hopeless non existing woman. That is a lot. You've been carrying a lot for years, and I can understand why you would feel like this hopeless, non existing person, but I want to give you some tools and talk with you about some of the things you wrote to help you maybe see a different perspective. So the first thing that I want to point out as this is something that's gonna be helping you, but also is a teachable moment for those who are listening. We marry our unfinished business. What does that mean? We all went through experiences throughout our childhood with particular parents who had different personality types, right? And we come into this world with our own temperament and personality type, and so naturally, there will be needs that we have that are not met, whether it be something around affection, feeling a sense of value or worth in our family, feeling like we matter, giving encouragement, whatever it might be being taken seriously. I've even had some share that that was something I always wanted, and they never were. This is our unfinished business, and it will play out in our marriage. So my first question to you is, where did you learn that it was a problem for you to speak up and share? I'm noticing I'm not happy, or I'm noticing some things have changed, and I want to have this conversation, because it sounds like you really held on to that giving space for your partner to adjust while you yourself are adjusting too. But it was almost like it would be a problem or a bad thing for you to point out, Hey, that was, you know, parenthood, right? Like, my body's changed. Things have changed between us. Can we talk about it? What are the things you're experiencing? So we can be on the same page and like be in a partnership through this. But somewhere along the lines, it seems that you learned that it was a problem for you to speak up, and when somebody said something negative to you, when they respond with lack of support, block of encouragement, questioning you that that means there's something wrong with you, that means that you are at fault. And that's actually not true. So I would ask you to reflect on what is your unfinished business? What are the patterns from your childhood, the things you wanted or needed and did not receive in the way that you wanted them? Even if you had a wonderful child, we all have something that is missing. And how is that playing out in your marriage now? And that's for all of us to think about. How are we playing out our unfinished business from our childhood into how we are now? And this is how it plays out in our childhood. There was something that frustrated us on repeat, something that was missing, something that we didn't like, something we wish would have been more of, and we would have a reoccurring feeling, feeling of loneliness, feeling of not being worthy, feeling of like I said, not being taken seriously, feeling of always being in trouble, feeling like you're responsible for everything, whatever it might be, those feelings and those things that were happening on repeat created A response cycle in this right we adapted as kids to getting by, to surviving, to enjoying our childhood, to the best we can in the way we could, and those behaviors in adulthood are maladaptive. Now, if you met your partner when you were just turning 20, you were still a kid. Let's be real, you were still a kid, and so your behaviors that were adaptive throughout your childhood, teen years and then early into young adult, were still very present. They become maladaptive. We no longer need to act with a tantrum, shut down, run into our room and slam the door right? We do not need to respond the way that we used to. And it seems, by the story you shared, that you may have learned to work harder, be quieter, stay to yourself, not speak up, not cause an earthquake with your thoughts and feelings you've really the way you've described. It really stepped back. So again, is this your unfinished business playing out in your marriage, if so, it's not your husband's responsibility to fix that. It's not for him to go, I'm not happy either. It's for you to be able to stand up and have a voice and be comfortable with that voice, even if it makes someone else uncomfortable. You are allowed to be strong in your marriage and say, I'm not happy, and I've not been happy for a while, and you're not physically touching me. And I need that in a relationship, romance, eroticism. This is needed in a marriage. And if it is lacking for you, you can speak up and say that, and if he does, it doesn't bother me. I'm not interested. I don't want it. You can make a decision for you. So I get why coaches have shared with you already. You got to work on you, because your voice is what matters, and something holds you back from speaking. A hopeless, non existing woman has no voice. She feels like she has no control. That means you've given up control. That means you've allowed your voice to be quiet. So that's the first thing I realize I really gave you a big one on that one, but I think that's the most prevalent message throughout what you share. Now let's also address that you are definitely not the same person you were at 1920 years old, right? So in that time, there was never space in your marriage to talk about how you both were growing with an almost 10 year age gap. He was probably already in a different place in his adulthood and in his career than you, so you were still growing and learning, and he's like, I'm off to the races. I already know what I'm doing. There was no space for you to say, here are my needs and wants and desires, and they've changed. And let me be honest, after we become mothers, they change again, and then 10 years later or so, they change again. We adapt to change and evolve. And if we're not having these conversations with our partners, we're going to feel like we're a problem that we oh, hey, some things have changed about me. I don't like that anymore. I want this or I want more of that, and it's not a problem. You have changed and grown, being able to celebrate that and and to join with your partner in the ways that they've changed and grown too. But again, if we don't have space for that, we It can make us feel like we're the problem. Another piece that I found interesting, and I definitely think this speaks to the fact that you guys got together when you were very young, is you really want your worth to be seen by him. We all want our partner to see how valuable we are, but if we don't find ourselves valuable, then when they don't speak that to us, when they don't show it to us, we will feel even worse about ourselves. It'll impact our self confidence. That really spoke to how when you started doing the work that you love now, and your passion and you started having people really value you felt even better. All high achievers are like this. There is something in us that like we just get that buzz of 12:07 achievement, whether it be money, prestige, people recognizing us, that drives us so that makes sense. But you're also looking for it from your husband, and you're looking for it in the form of physical touch. I want to be more physically intimate. Hold my hand. Put your hand on my shoulder. Show me that I'm here. Show me that you physically see me, because I feel like I'm withering away. And that goes back to you finding your voice in your marriage. Or you can say, I want physical touch, and if you don't, for whatever reason we need to make a hard decision, or that you need to make the difficult decision, if he's fine. I often say with my clients, especially the ones who do so much to take care of their partner, it's like their partner has had a king size bed at the Hilton in filet mignon every night. And when you come in and say, I don't like this, I want it to change, you're going to need to do some things differently. That's going to change what they're used to. They're going to tantrum. They're not going to like it. They're not going to understand that doesn't mean it's wrong. It doesn't mean it's wrong when our partner is unhappy with what it is we want to see change or be different in our relationship. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong, or that your goal or dream or vision is not valid. Change is uncomfortable, and we're in our groove and we're in our normal baseline. We don't want to have to move from that. But you're not happy, and you're half of this relationship. You know, you've been carrying the weight of your relationship on your shoulders, and you're battling some of the cultural and generational pieces that are happening. What does it mean to be a woman in a relationship? What is this supposed to look like? How am I supposed to be? And it's making you question your own worth. Now, on top of that, depending on where you are in your perimenopause journey, you've got that affecting you as well, right? And the emotional, mental and physical changes that are happening that make it feel even heavier at times. But there are three core things I want you to be thinking about. One, you're not responsible for fixing everything. Yes, it's frustrating. Your partner's not seeing it, not bothered by it, but it isn't your responsibility to fix everything. You have prioritized your husband's career, your child, the household, at your expense. And really, you know, high functioning, capable women will do it. We think if there's something wrong, it's our job to fix it, but relationships are really about two people. So I think once you find your voice, it's also sitting down and deciding what type of relationship do you want to be, what do you see for the next decade of your life, and what do you want that to look like? And how is your partner going to be a part of that? What are your needs? That's where you're going to regain control of the you're part of the relationship, right? You don't need to have this how do I fix this mentality? How do I fix our relationship? It's what do I actually have control over in our relationship, not him, but I have control over what I share with him. I can speak up when there are issues. I can put boundaries down when there's a problem. I mean, you can say something like, I love you and our life together, but I'm not okay living in a touchless marriage. I need intimacy, and if you're unwilling to have this conversation, I need to figure out what that means for me, right? It's boundaries, but not an ultimatum. There are two really difficult parts of a relationship I find when I'm working with couples. One is them identifying their unfinished business and being able to sit with that with their partner, and understanding it's not their partner's role to fulfill what's unfinished, their needs that were met in childhood. It's not for their partner to fulfill to give them, it's for them to give themselves. So again, that's why I'm guessing it might have been something around your voice, and it's for you to speak up, not for him to ask you questions and say, What do you think it's for you to be able to speak up, and not an aggression, right? Not in ultimatums, but with clear, distinct boundaries, and also a clear vision for what you want. And I imagine now that you're in the work world, you're starting to see what that is. The second part of it is, how are we keeping this cycle here? What are we doing that keeps this going in our relationship? You feel invisible, stuck, hopeless, but if you take a step back, you're playing a role in keeping that feeling present in your relationship. You're over functioning, you're staying silent for too long, and now you're emotionally mature and focusing on your work instead of confronting what it is you really need. You don't need to neglect your needs to keep the peace. You don't need to wait and hope things will improve. You've seen that doesn't change anything when you do finally speak up and he dismisses it, it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Stand firm in what you know you want. Speak in love and respect, but stand firm with your boundaries instead of waiting for him to validate Yes, you're right. This is unhappy. It's not what I want. Take ownership of what you want. You don't need his permission to prioritize your vision, and you don't have to accept a sexless, emotionally disconnected relationship just because he's, quote, a good man. I know that's hard. It's difficult to think about ending a marriage that's been together for so long, but if intimacy is a core need for you, then it deserves space in the relationship. So ask yourself, What am I no longer willing to tolerate? Write those things down so that when you sit down with him to talk, you're able to speak clearly about it. Yeah, I think at the end of the day, you really need to ask yourself, what do you actually want? Why are you actually staying? Is it because of love or fear of change. And what if you stop trying to focus on what he needs to change and focused on your unfinished business and how you find your voice, and then through that, you start to learn what's your next step? Because I'd rather you go from this hopeless and I'm kind of losing myself into an empowered and clear version of yourself, whether you stay or go, this is reprogramming so much about how you have done things for so long that it will feel uncomfortable. But uncomfortability is not a sign that it's wrong or bad. It's a sign you're doing something different. So dear hopeless non existing woman, I see you. You're not non existing. You exist, and it's time for you to find that voice as well. Because you've got it in your work world, you can bring it into your relationship. You're no longer that 1920 year old girl. You are a woman who has grown in some beautiful ways, and it's time for her to find her voice and to share her needs in the relationship and stop waiting for her husband to figure it out. I hope you found these tips helpful and the reflection questions I gave you, make sure you take time to do they really are going to uncover a lot of levels of things that think are going to give you much more clarity on finding your voice and knowing what it is you want to say. And dear listener, if you listen to this and you're like, oh, this hits home, feel free to reach out to me, Katie at Katie roessler.com, or you find you've got a question you love answered on the dear Katie episode, you can find the link in the show notes on how to do so. Okay, dear listeners, remember, you have a voice in your relationship, and a relationship is about two sides coming together to form its own identity in the relationship. If that identity only has one voice and not two voices, there will be problems. Don't be afraid of looking in the mirror at the cycles that you're replaying from your childhood, and learn the tools to start to work on that reach out. Let's work together. Let me help support you and your relationship so you don't walk away from something and then bring that to the next relationship you're in. Okay, everyone, I'll see you next week. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection to and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards totally worth the effort. See you next week.