Hey, everyone today, we're confronting a topic that every couple faces at some point, arguing more specifically, why some people get frustrated so fast, while others seem totally chill, and how that difference can make conflict feel impossible to navigate, if you or your partner shut down, lash out or spiral into frustration the moment things get tense. This episode is for you, because the key to healthy arguing isn't about avoiding fights altogether. That's a common misconception. It's about frustration tolerance, and today I'll help you understand why some people lose their cool while others stay calm, why low frustration tolerance makes arguments worse? How to start building emotional regulation skills so conflicts don't feel like the end of the world, and practical tools to help both you and your partner argue without wrecking your connection. So grab your coffee, settle in and let's talk about frustration tolerance and why it's the secret weapon to arguing better. Welcome to relationship reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild, the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed up. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. 1:56 Okay, so why do some people get so frustrated? Why others stay calm? Let's start here, because I guarantee you've been in an argument where one person gets heated really fast while the other is sitting there like what's even happening right now? This comes down to frustration tolerance, which is basically how much stress, discomfort or attention you can handle before your brain and body freak out. Thank you, amygdala. And here's the kicker, we all have different levels of it. You might be wondering, what impacts my levels of frustration tolerance? I'm glad you asked one. Personality differences. Some people are naturally more reactive or sensitive to stress, and we can see this play out already in babies. Two, your upbringing, if you grew up in a house where emotions were never talked about or emotions were always in an explosion around you that shaped how you handle conflict. Now this impacts your frustration tolerance and what you're comfortable with. Three, your nervous system wiring. Some people's bodies are wired to go into fight, flight or freeze mode way faster than others. The amygdala is the part of the brain where this happens, and it's shaped like an almond, but carries a big punch. It's why people bought all the toilet paper a few years ago, when there was a pandemic, that little part of the brain was like, ah, if we're wired to be more sensitive to this area of our brain, it impacts our frustration tolerance as well. And four past relationship experiences, right? Our history. If you've been in relationships where conflicts felt dangerous or overwhelming, your body might still be reacting to those past wounds each time your brain is playing out the same scenario without even intending for it to happen, and your body responds. I once worked with a couple where one would be so reactive to everything going on around them that negatively impacted their life, and they expected their partner to hold space for what they were sharing. But when their partner was going through a difficult time, that same partner couldn't hold space for their partner's negative emotions. It was annoying and uncomfortable for them. They had low frustration tolerance, which is why they were so sensitive to negative things happening in their life, and they couldn't hold space for their partners challenges as well. So if you or your partner struggle with frustration tolerance, don't assume it's not about caring or trying to be dramatic. It's usually deeper than that. Let's talk about why low frustration tolerance wrecks arguments. So here's the problem. When someone has low frustration tolerance, their emotions escalate before they've even had a chance to think. They lash out instead of listening. They shut down instead of working through it, and they get overwhelmed by the discomfort. So instead of staying in the conversation, they try to end it as fast as possible. This can look like exploding and hoping it will just go away, or avoiding it altogether, leaving the room, shutting their partner out, and that's when bad arguing habits show up. Here are some examples, interrupting or talking over your partner, raising your voice or getting defensive instantly, stonewalling, which looks like shutting down or refusing to talk or even listen, or walking away mid argument because you feel quote done, this makes it impossible to actually work through a disagreement, because instead of solving the problem, you're just reacting to the emotional chaos. So how do you fix it? Well, you've got to build better frustration tolerance. But how do we do that? If you or your partner struggle with low frustration tolerance, here's where to start. First, slow down your reaction time. If you go from zero to pissed off in two seconds, your brain needs a buffer zone before responding. So try one of these. When you feel frustration rising, take a breath before speaking. That's all you got to do, is literally just take a deep breath. Okay, funny story. I started using this technique several years ago, but in the beginning, I would take this, like, really deep breath. And I remember the first couple of times my husband's eyes got really big, like I was about to drop a bomb. I wasn't I was just giving myself a pause before reacting. But it was hilarious to see his eyes, and it kind of helped me remember that things are not as bad as they feel in my mind. So take that deep breath. Just be prepared your partner, but be like, oh god, what's coming. Okay. Also, if you're too overwhelmed, pause the conversation by saying, I need a minute to gather my thoughts so I don't say something I regret. Then pause and collect your thoughts. Who cares if it feels like an awkward silence, and if your partner is uncomfortable with silence and tries to fill space with words, ask them to please allow you the space to think. If they're not able to calm their anxious mind down enough to allow you that space, then you might say, Hey, I'm gonna go. Take 10 minutes. Go for a walk, go in the bathroom, go in another room, whatever. I will be back, and then we can finish this conversation. But you need that pause, okay? But one of your partners, the reactive one, don't match their energy. Try to stay as steady as you can so the argument doesn't escalate. Our nature is to match the person's cadence and how they talk and even their tone of voice, but we can fight that by being present and intentional. Knowing that your partner has low frustration tolerance will help you go into conversations, working on being more calm and not adding fuel to the fire. Okay, so the second thing I want you guys to be focused on is recognizing your physical signs of frustration. No frustration tolerance isn't just emotional, it's actually physical. Does your heart race when you get frustrated? Do your shoulders tense up? Do you feel like you need to leave the room immediately, like there's a panic? Do you start to feel heat in your chest or up your neck? Do you notice you start to clench your fist? The more awareness you have over these signals, the easier it is to catch yourself before you lose control. I like to think of these as the warning signs before things get bad. It's like a yellow flag, orange flag, red flag, Mayday, mayday. It's really bad for sinking so start to recognize what those are, and the faster you catch them, the better chance you have at regulating yourself so you can stay calmer. Now, before we get to the next tip, I want to speak to the female listeners for a second. Don't worry, guys, this will be quick. You know, I'm all about practical tools here, and I found a great one I want to share with you everything you're doing to succeed in your career and personal life might not be as effective as it could be if you don't first understand your strengths and your blind spots when it comes to work life balance the boss babe archetype test is your shortcut to uncovering your unique superpower growth opportunities and self care style so you can finally thrive without burnout. A win. Win. It only takes three minutes, and the insights are super helpful with how to take action in your life. Go, take the test. Now you'll find the link in the show notes. Oh, and I'm the visionary dreamer, so let me know which one you are. It really is amazing what this test helps you uncover and what it teaches you about yourself. Okay, now back to our next tip. The third thing I want you to focus on is shifting your mindset about discomfort. If frustration feels unbearable, your brain is going to react like it's an emergency. But here's the truth, discomfort is not danger. When we get in the state where we see danger in everything, a caterpillar will look like a snake to us, recognizing discomfort from danger is huge in helping you calm down faster. Try reminding yourself I can feel frustrated without blowing up. I can stay in this conversation even though it's uncomfortable. Tension is temporary. It will pass. The goal is to train your brain to tolerate discomfort instead of running from it. If you've ever gone for a run or trained for an athletic event, then you know, there's a point you hit your training where your brain goes into a I don't want it anymore tantrum. This doesn't mean you need to stop. It's the discomfort that you have to train your brain to understand isn't danger. It's just uncomfortable. By the way. Have you ever noticed we will endure all sorts of physical discomfort, but emotional and mental we will dodge like a ball at the playground. I often laugh with my clients, especially those who are athletes. Where I go, you will go and train all week at high levels, but when it comes to an argument with your spouse, you run like the wind. Why is that? And it always catches them as well, that they will endure physical discomfort. But when it comes to emotional issues, they feel so like they've got no muscles at all. That's the importance of building the muscle of frustration tolerance, then you're able to handle so much more discomfort and not feel like you have to blow up or run away from it. So let's talk about how to build that muscle, because frustration tolerance really is a muscle. So start small. You can start practicing with small frustration. Let yourself feel frustrated about something that's happened stuck in traffic, things are not running the way you thought they would. Somebody says something you don't like, but don't react right away. Think of it like turning the shower colder and sitting there a little 10:49 longer each time. You can do it, even if you may not want to. And one of the key tools, especially with a cold shower, is taking deep breaths and counting. Speaking of cold showers, do something slightly uncomfortable on purpose, like waiting in a long line without sighing or getting annoyed, or next time you're in traffic, start saying out loud all the things you're grateful for that day. Change up your habit response. Another idea is teaching yourself how to breathe through minor annoyances instead of snapping. Take a deep breath. Be careful how deep, because your partner might freak out like before. So I shared but have a personal mantra that you say to yourself that keeps you grounded versus spiraling out of frustration. Small wins build our emotional endurance, and that is the key to healthier arguments. See, healthy arguing isn't about avoiding frustration. It's about learning to tolerate it without letting it control you. So here's your homework for the week. If you struggle with frustration tolerance, practice delaying your reaction by just 10 seconds. That's it. When you feel yourself getting worked up, just start counting to 10. You can do 10 backwards, 10 forwards. Who cares? 10. Your partner will thank you for the pause as well, and it might make you both laugh. So that'll help relieve the frustration too. Nothing stops the conversation dead in its tracks. Then you going, 123, do you see what I'm saying? So that pause actually can help you both. If your partner struggles with frustration tolerance, stay steady and avoid reacting emotionally to their escalation. Remember it's not about you, even if they say things that really put a dig at you, it isn't really about you. It's their own frustration tolerance issues. You don't have to match them. You can help anchor them by staying calm if you want. Better tools for communicating during conflict, go check out my healthy arguing. Course, it teaches you which arguing style you and your partner have, and how to start improving it so you have shorter disagreements and bounce back a lot faster afterwards. I'll make sure the link to the course is in the show notes. Remember every conversation is a chance to hit the reset button and create a stronger, more connected relationship. Building our frustration tolerance is key to being able to have healthier disagreements, where we start to build greater connection, because we better understand each other. Okay, that's what I have for you today. I know that homework sounds simple, but when you put in practice, it's going to be difficult, so I'm giving it to you in a simple version, and I want to see how it plays out for you. Remember, it's never too late to hit the reset button. See you next time. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection to and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth a work and the rewards. Totally worth the effort. See you next week.