Hey everyone, welcome back to relationship reset. Today, we are going to be discussing avoiding conflicts. One of you in your relationship is probably one of those who likes to avoid conflicts. You don't want to fight, you don't want to have the disagreements, but in the end, it's actually causing more harm to the relationship than you intended to. You know the deal, one person is ready to talk things out, and the other would rather walk through fire than have a hard conversation. And just like that, you're in the middle of a silent standoff where nobody's actually winning. Today, I'm giving you tools you need, whether you're the one avoiding conflict or you're in a relationship with someone who does. And I promise this won't just be a therapy session disguised as a podcast. In this episode, I'll be keeping it practical so you walk away from it with a better plan than when you started. So grab a warm drink and let's dive in. Welcome to relationship, reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild, the podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Roessler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. All right, let's start with the basics. What does it actually mean to be conflict avoidant? It's when someone actively dodges disagreements to avoid the discomfort and tension or the emotional blow up, right? Like their nervous system doesn't like the feeling, so they're going to avoid at all cost. They're going to procrastinate those conversations, and here's how to spot it. One, they shut down. The second the disagreement starts, they might even walk away. They might get on their phones. They might just, literally just check out. Two, they avoid expressing their needs or feelings. You never really know what's going on inside their heads. Three, they laugh things off when you bring up something serious. And yes, some of us are the type that laugh at things that we think are ridiculous, but really like they're laughing because they're uncomfortable. Four, they give in easily, just to keep the peace. It's really like they roll over and push it all under the rug, but then resentment starts to build, and five, they pretend things are fun, even when they're clearly not fine. You might even feel the tension in the room and you're like, you're not okay, but they won't acknowledge it. So why do people become conflict avoidant? Well, it's usually not because they're trying to make your life harder. I promise. I know it feels that way at the time, but they really aren't. It often comes from childhood experiences. Maybe they grew up in a house where conflict was scary or dangerous, there was a fear of rejection as well, like I might be left alone if I say the wrong thing or I do the wrong thing, or even a cultural conditioning. We're often taught how we're supposed to be based off of what our culture shows us. Are we allowed to be that woman who stands up and shares what we think, or that man who expresses his emotions? Maybe not, and if so, that impacts how you handle conflict. Now, if you're with a conflict avoidant partner, you already know that avoiding the conflict doesn't make it disappear. It just makes it faster. It leads to a fake sense of ease with spoiler alert, it's not real. It creates emotional distance. It's like you're coexisting, but not even connecting. One person is typically over functioning, trying to fix things so that the other one feels better. They're usually the more anxious of the two. And then there's blow ups out of nowhere. I always talk about it's like a soda bottle being shook over and over and over, and all of a sudden you just open it up, it explodes over everything and everyone's impacted. However, if we learn to start opening that soda bottle a little bit at a time, it won't cause so much damage. So let's talk about some solutions. So how do you be in a relationship with a conflict avoidant partner without being so frustrated if your partner avoids conflict like it's their full time job. Here's how I want you to navigate it without pushing them further away, because typically, that's what ends up happening. One want you to slow down and create safety instead of demanding an immediate response really pushing at them. I want you to say, I can tell this is hard for you, and don't need an answer right now, but I do want us to talk about it when you're ready. Can we set a day and time for that? Give them space, but not an escape route, set a time to revisit the conversation where you both agree it will work for you. And I'm going to be honest, you can't go well. I'm just going to wait till they come to me. They are avoiding conflict for a reason, so they're not going to take initiative. Just calmly saying, Hey, is now a good time for us to finish that conversation like we planned? Creates a gentle startup to having the discussion. Two lead with curiosity and not criticism. Instead of attacking them for you, never tell me how you feel. I never know what you're thinking, what's going on in your head. Why won't you tell me your thoughts? Try I noticed that when we disagree, you get really quiet. What's going on for you in those moments, and how can I better support you? Right? This is leading with curiosity versus attacking the behavior that's driving us insane. Behind that behavior is the person we love, so let's focus on that with curiosity of better understanding them so that we can resolve conflicts quicker. Three, focus on connection. First reassure them. Hey, I love you. We're on the same team. Just want to resolve this that one line alone can shift the whole conversation. It's about the partnership. It's about the connection, not who's right and who's wrong. Four encourage small wins that happen if deep conversations feel really overwhelming for your partner, start with kind of low stake topics like, Hey, can we talk about dividing up the chores. And I know some of you just crammed to like, Oh, that is not a low stake topic. That's something that's big for us, but find something that's smaller. The more you practice those difficult conversations, even on small things, they will build more confidence for you and your partner in how you talk when you're in a disagreement, okay, but what if you are the conflict avoidant partner? If you're listening and realizing, Oh, crap, I do this, don't worry. Everything's good. Here's how to stop dodging conflict and start showing up in tough conversations. Okay, so the first thing is, recognize your avoidance triggers. Notice when you start shutting down. Ask yourself back to that curiosity. What's happening in my body right now? Am I anxious, numb, on edge? Do I feel a pit in my stomach, pressure on my chest? Self awareness is key, because as soon as we start to know how our body is responding, we know how to calm it, but if we're not paying attention to what's really going on, we can't do anything about two reframe conflict as connection, instead of thinking conflict equals danger. This is bad, something bad has happened, and it will only end badly. Try conflict helps me have deeper understanding. It helps us as a couple, understand each other better. It's not about winning or losing. We often think it's about who's right or wrong. It's actually about effective conversations so that we connect more deeper. We need to learn more about each other, and the only way to do that is have difficult conversations. So conflict doesn't equal danger. Conflict allows us to better know each other. Three use a pause and return strategy, so you can stop and say, I need a pause. Time out. It's okay to ask for space. You must, though, commit to coming back. I need a 15 or 20 minute break. I'm going to set my alarm and I'll be back after. This allows you time to process, to calm yourself down, to recognize how your body is reacting, and get yourself in the state where you can have the conversation all the way through without shutting down. You are allowed to take time outs and pause. This is okay, but make sure you come back. And I wouldn't do it more than 20 or 30 minutes. If you go too long, your partner is holding on to that tension, and they're struggling to just sit there calmly. Four start with micro conflict. So back to what I was sharing before, about if your partner is conflict avoidant practice sharing your thoughts and feelings about smaller things, like what restaurant Do you want to eat at, what show you want to watch. It will build your confidence for the bigger stuff. As you start to speak up about what you want, and it's okay if your partner disagrees, it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Five, express your needs, 9:03 even if it's hard. Instead of staying silent when something bothers you, try I feel hurt when you dismiss my ideas. Can we talk about this? It's a muscle you've got to work out. You must strengthen it, and the only way to do it is to practice it. Now, if you feel like your partner has a really strong personality and practicing with them might be difficult then find that friend or family member that you can start to make baby steps with so that you feel more competent in your relationship. But my hope would be that you would be able to find small things in your relationship, or you can start to share your thoughts and feelings and express when you don't feel heard or express when you feel like you've been talked over. Conflict avoidance doesn't protect your relationship. It slowly erodes at it. It's a lot like thinking, if we procrastinate on getting our taxes filed or finally cleaning out the garage, that it's not actually there. No, it's still there. In fact, it's making things worse. You and your partner don't have to live in a cycle of chasing one and the other withdrawing forever. So here's your homework for the week. If you are the one who avoids conflict, practice speaking up about one small thing this week and just see how it physically feels and mentally feels with that you'll notice how your emotions respond, but it's important that we start to build that awareness. If your partner avoids conflict. Your homework is to use curiosity instead of criticism in your next really difficult conversation, really check in on where they're at and what's going on as you start to ask more questions, as you start to share your point of view, this will help you know how you can support them more. And if you find you need some conversation starters to help you navigate these moments. Check out my conversation starters for couples. It's 18 powerful questions to deepen your connection, and it's a great way for you to practice having deeper conversations without it needing to want to be withdrawing. Okay? Thank you for listening today. If this one resonated with you, if you are that conflict avoidant person, or you have that partner. Let me know. Send me a message on Instagram at Katie dot Roessler, or an email at Katie, at Katie roessler.com and share with me your story of how you and your partner are working on not avoiding conflict and having a deeper connection as you go through the process. And as always, if you find you need more help, reach out. I would love to be a support to you and your partner. Remember, things don't have to continue as they are. There is always the chance to hit the reset button. See you next week. Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection, too, and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards, totally worth the effort. See you next week.