0:05 Hey, hey, welcome back to the show. Today, we're tackling a topic that hits way too close to home for a lot of high achieving couples hyper independence. Now, if you just broke your eyes and thought, That's not me. I just like things done right I hear you, and yet you're still here, listening interesting. So maybe, just maybe, this is worth a deeper look. Don't worry, I have my hand raised as well. We're talking about the I got it partner, the one who takes on everything from work to home life to managing the entire holiday gift buying process. Because let's be honest, your partner will just wait until December 23 and stress you out. If this is your partner, stay tuned. I've got some tips on what to do when handling the hyper independent partner, or how to handle yourself if you are that partner, grab a warm drink and let's begin. 

Welcome to relationship. Reset, reignite, reconnect, rebuild. The podcast for high achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Rössler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in. 

1:46 Okay, so here's the problem. Hyper independence isn't just about being capable. We know you are. It's about not knowing how to let someone else in, and that that's a real relationship killer, if I'm honest. So today, we're going to be looking at why this happens, how it shows up in relationships, and most importantly, how do we break this cycle before you burn out or push your partner away? So what is hyper independence? Hyper independence isn't just being good at handling things in many ways. It's the refusal to ask for or accept help even when you need it, it's like a go to response, I got it. Nope, I'm fine. I don't need your help. Everything's good. I've got it. Like, literally, you don't even think before saying that. It can come from childhood experiences. 

Maybe you had to grow up fast and couldn't rely on others. Maybe you were the hero child, right? The one that just got the good grades. Did everything well, everyone just expected the best from you and never expected anything less, because it's just how you always performed. It can come from past relationships. Maybe you got burned by someone who let you down, friendships, romantic relationships, classmates, so you decided to never need anyone again. You learned early on, nope, not going through that again. It can also come from work culture. If you don't do yourself, it won't get done right? And that cycle is what leads a lot to burn up. Sound familiar? It's that inner voice that says I can do it faster myself. It's just easier if I do it. I don't want to be a burden. 

But here's the kicker, while this mindset might have helped you survive in the past, it's not helping your relationship now. So let's look how it shows up in relationships. Let's paint the picture. Your partner asks need help with anything, and what do you say? Nope, I got it again and again and again until eventually they stop asking. And this is what I find with my clients who are like this, they also harbor resentment and frustration that the partner doesn't help out there, but when their partner offers, they shut them down. Here's how this can play out. One the I'll just do it trap you take everything on, and your partner starts feeling like a guest in their own home, instead of an equal. You're not even allowing them to be a partner in your home, because you're taking over all of it. 

How you want it done is how it's done, how things need to be taken care of, or how they're taken care of. It isn't even a what do we want? It's what you want next. It can show up as you avoid vulnerability. You don't share when you're struggling, you don't open up. The only time we start to see there's a problem is when you hit complete burnout and then explode like a shaking can of soda. I always tell my clients, like someone's shaking you and shaking you and shaking you and shaking you. And if you're opened up, you're gonna explode everywhere. But if you learn to start releasing it slowly and accepting the health and letting go off control. You start to relax, and you don't explode, right? Another way this shows up is through control issues. Your partner wants to help, like I said earlier, if they don't do it your way, fold the towels properly, load the dishwasher correctly, you name it. It drives you nuts, so you just take over again. This removes the relationship. 

Part of this our partnership. It is our dishwasher. It doesn't have to be done a certain way. However, your anxiety about what's happening and how you want it to be done and it's not being done that way will lead you to be reactive the other way this plays out. Relationship is unintentional rejection. Your partner wants to support you, but every time they try, they're met with a wall. Imagine what that feels like. Just literally. Imagine walking into a wall repeatedly. Ouch. Yeah, no, not doing it anymore, not going to ask if you want help, because you're not going to take it. And the rare occasions I do something without asking, trying to help, thinking I'll be of good service. You explode at me. So nope, not doing that.

 Eventually your partner will back off, and now you feel even more alone. I can't tell you how many times I know I brought this up earlier, but clients will say I feel so alone. And yet, when we retrace the stats, we see that the partner was there. They didn't know how to help, because they felt like they'd get in trouble if they did. And the one who was hyper independent wanted the help but didn't know how to let go of the need for it to be a certain way, to let go of the control of how it got done, when it got done, where it got and that leaves them all both paralyzed. See, I get it. Being independent feels safe for many of us, it's predictable. No one can let you down if you never give them a chance. Sit with that for a second. No one can let you down if you never give them a chance to but here's the thing, it creates emotional distance, and your partner stops trying to show up for you. It leads to resentment, and you're exhausted from doing everything, they feel useless or disconnected, and it prevents true partnership. 

Relationships thrive on interdependence, not hyper independence. One person cannot carry the entire load. It needs to be shared. So how do we break the cycle? Let's fix this. Okay, first of course, as always, let's get practical one. Recognize that hyper independence is a defense mechanism, not a personality trait. I know many of us have been saying just really independent. That's just who I am. It's just how I have always been this way. My parents always told me I was this way. Yeah, it's a defense mechanism. You learned it for a reason. So it's not just who you are. It's a learned response to your past experiences, and that means it can change, but it will take work. I'm always honest about that. It will take work second. 

Communicate your needs clearly instead of I don't need help. Try. It would mean a lot if you handled dinner tonight? I'm gonna go in another room so I don't watch you cook, right? Not gonna watch the process. And will you please clean up after yourself afterwards, I will leave the room again after the meal, so that I don't get into a fury and frustrated that the kitchen looks the way it does. I will let it go. And if you have that open floor plan and you can see the kitchen, sit with it to your back so you can eat and enjoy the meal. Third, let go of perfectionism. Your partner will do things differently. Of course, it doesn't mean it's wrong. Yes, even if they put the spoons in the fork section of the dishwasher, it doesn't mean it's wrong. I want you to clasp your hands together, interlock your fingers so your palms touch each other, and notice which thumb is first. Is it the left or the right? Take a mental note, and now I want you to change it so that the other thumb is first and all the other fingers switch off. That feels uncomfortable, doesn't? It doesn't mean it's wrong? No, it's just a different way of doing things. 

We gotta let go of perfectionism. Four practice small moments of reliance. Did you notice that wasn't resilience? It's reliance. Start with little things asking for their opinion. Hey, what do you think about this? I've been researching this new idea. I'd love to know your thoughts. Delegate one task to them, take a step back, allow them to do it the way they want to, when they want to, how they want to. It really is like a muscle, and you have to build it by using it. You have to practice these small moments of our minds. Then five and the last one, see help as connection, not weakness. 

My hyper independent clients so desire connection. They so desire to know their partners they are. They just don't know how to let them in. Letting someone in isn't a sign of failure. Doesn't mean you're not capable. It's a way to strengthen your bond. Love isn't about proving you can do it all alone. It really isn't. It's about choosing not to it's about desiring connection over the need for things to be done a certain way, a certain time, a certain place. Look, I know this isn't easy, and if you've been carrying everything for years, letting go of control might feel terrifying, but a real partnership isn't about who can carry the most weight. It's about carrying it together. And I just want to add a point, there are some of you are listening that your partners, whether they travel a lot for work or avoid an attachment, whatever it might be, they really have, in a sense, felt like they're not there. And you have had to take things on to a level you never really intended to. But in that role, it became normal and it became a habit, and we have to break that habit in order for us to build our connection to each other again. And often, when I work with couples who are going through this, they both are at appointment. They want to change these cycles, these habits, they just don't know how to then. Hyper independence is one that can be really hard to break as a couple, it has to involve some individual work for the hyper independent person to really look at where did this learned behavior come from, and how can I heal or cope better with that past, so it no longer impacts my partner and their partner needs to come along and go. I'm here to help you this process. I won't always do it right. I won't always do it the way you were hoping I would, but I will be here, and I want to help. So here's your challenge for the week. 

Let your partner help you in one small way, just one and just see how it feels. It might cause you anxiety. You might have to leave the room. You might feel frustrated that isn't about your partner, that's about you, and that shows you where the work needs to be done. Remember, your relationship isn't a solo mission. You don't have to do it all alone. Okay, that's it for today. If this episode hits home, I want to know. Send me a message, either on Instagram @Katie.Rössler, or by email at info, at Katierossler.com and let me know if this one ring true for you. Today, I'll see you next time. 12:01 Thanks for tuning in to relationship reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast. It helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection to and be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one. Your relationship is worth the work and the rewards, totally worth the effort. See you next week.