Today, we're tackling a struggle so many long-term couples face but don't always know how to fix: that moment when you look at each other and realise, "We feel more like roommates than romantic partners." Yep, you do the logistics of life together — groceries, bills, who's picking up the kids — but the spark, the connection, the us part of the relationship, it's kind of missing. That's what we'll be diving into today, so grab yourself a warm drink and let's get started!

Welcome to Relationship Reset: Reignite, Reconnect, Rebuild, the podcast for high-achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Rössler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected, and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories, and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in!

Maybe you're sitting on opposite sides of the couch every night scrolling your phones. Maybe your conversations are mostly about schedules, to-do lists, and, "Did you remember to take out the trash?" Maybe date night has turned into watching Netflix in sweatpants and falling asleep before 10. I mean, no judgment, I get it! If any of that sounds familiar, don't worry, you're not alone, and this is totally fixable.

First, let's talk about why this happens. Because it's not like one day you just decide, "Hey, let's turn into glorified roommates." No, it's a slow fade, right? Life gets busy: careers, kids, responsibilities. Somewhere along the way, the energy you used to put into each other gets redirected to everything else. And before you know it, your partner, the love of your life, feels more like the person you share Wi-Fi with. Because we do! Here's the thing: connection doesn't disappear overnight. It's lost in the little moments — the kisses that turn into quick pecks, the deep conversations that get replaced with, "Did you pay the water bill, or was I supposed to do that?" the lingering touches that become high fives. But just like connection fades in small ways, it can be rebuilt in small ways too. And that's the good news! You know, we're all about practical tools here, we'll be diving into that today too.

Okay, so let's do a little check-in. Here are some signs you might be in roommate mode:

1. Your conversations are mostly transactional. If 90% of your communication is about logistics — who's taking the dog out, what's for dinner, what time is soccer practice — you might be in the roommate zone.
   
   
   
2. Physical touch has become rare or non-existent. This is a big one for a lot of my clients. If the last time you held hands was when one of you tripped, it's time to reassess.
   
   
   
3. Date nights are either non-existent or feel more like obligations than fun. Like, "We're supposed to do this, right? This is supposed to be a good thing." If your idea of a romantic evening is watching separate Netflix shows in the same room, we've got work to do.
   
   
   
4. You feel more excitement spending time with friends or alone than with your partner. Oh, this one hurts! Harsh. Yeah, maybe. But if being together feels like just another item on the to-do list, that's a sign something needs to change.
   
   
   

Recognising this is not about blaming yourself or your partner. It's about acknowledging where you are so you can figure out where to go next.

So, let's talk about how to get out of roommate mode. We've diagnosed a problem, let's talk solutions. Because the good news is, you can shift things. And here's how:

First, I want you to bring back curiosity. Remember when you used to ask your partner deep questions, like their favourite childhood memory, or biggest dreams, or even their latest obsession — whatever they've been, like, reading up on a ton. Let's bring that back! Start with simple check-ins: "What's been on your mind lately?" or "What's something you've been excited about?" People change over time, and it's time to get to know each other again. I have a great way to help you with this; it's called "18 Connection Questions for Couples." I literally give you 18 questions for you and your partner to ask each other. I give you a little guide of how to do it, and each of the questions reflects one of the seven core areas of your relationship, so it's actually really powerful, but I keep it pretty light — the types of questions that you ask — so that it's less likely to lead to a greater argument. It's just really about getting to know each other better. So, make sure you grab that in the show notes.

Second, schedule "us" time. Yes, literally put it on the calendar. Listen, I know scheduling intimacy or connection sounds super unsexy, but hear me out: if you don't make space for it, it won't happen. Block out an hour a week for just you two, whether it's a date night, a walk together, or simply sitting on the couch without screens and actually talking. Yes, you have to look at each other.

The next thing you might have heard before: the six-second kiss rule. This one's simple, but powerful. When you kiss your partner goodbye, hello, goodnight, whatever it is, hold it for at least six seconds. Yes, it will feel uncomfortable the first few times. It will. And then a part of you will be like, "Oh, that was kind of fun." So, why do this? Because anything shorter keeps things in roommate territory. I don't know, I did have roommates, and I don't remember ever kissing them. But in general, six seconds forces you to slow down and actually connect. Trust me, it makes a difference, you'll thank me later.

Okay, here's another one: surprise each other. The small gestures matter. You don't have to book a surprise trip to Paris (though, if you can, by all means, go for it, I'm sure it would help!), but small surprises — leaving a sweet note, making a favourite snack, sending a thinking-of-you text — can create huge shifts. Thoughtfulness breeds connection. A great tip with this is to follow their love language. If there is something that really lights them up, you can do that small thing. And if it's based on how they receive love, even better, then that kind of guides you to already know different things you can do, right? So, like, if it's gift-giving, literally go pick a flower on a walk and give it to them. That's a gift, and you thought of them. If it's words of affirmation, send them a thinking-of-you text, or send them the song lyrics that remind you of them. They'll be lit up by you taking a moment to really share your words of love for them. If it's acts of service, do something small off their to-do list that they didn't even ask you for; that will be simple. If it's physical touch, rub their back, play footsy with them under the table, find cute, flirtatious ways to involve touch in your day-to-day. If it's quality time, then suggest you guys have 20 minutes to go over those questions I talked about earlier in the episode. Just say, "Hey, I got these great questions for us, let's spend some time together just chatting, I'd really love to connect with you." See? These are simple ways to involve their love language, which you know already lights them up and helps them feel connected, and allows you to do these surprises and small gestures that help them feel special.

Lastly, shake up your routine. Please, people! When we've been together for too long, we get so on autopilot, and it's hard to think creatively. But shake up your routine! If every night looks the same — dinner, TV, bed, dinner, TV, bed, you get it — do something different! Try a new activity together, cook a new recipe, go for an evening walk — anything to disrupt the routine and create new, shared experiences. We've gotta bring creativity back to the relationship when we're on autopilot, and this is a great way to do it. Shake up your routine! Brainstorm together tonight at dinner: something you can do differently. "Hey, tomorrow night, and nights after, what's something we want to do to shake it up? Make the nights more exciting, make them more enjoyable, things we want to do." Make this a goal you both have: to make your routines things you look forward to.

Okay, I know someone's thinking, "Okay, but what about sex?" Yes, intimacy plays a big role in feeling like partners instead of roommates. But let's be clear: if emotional connection is low, physical connection will be too. Instead of focusing just on the bedroom, start with non-sexual touch: hold hands, cuddle, give each other an actual, real hug — not the one-armed "Hey buddy" hug. And again, that longer kiss, not a peck. Physical closeness helps rebuild emotional closeness. And if it's been a while since you've been intimate with each other, it will actually create a fight-or-flight response in one of you if you don't feel safe or comfortable. It will be hard to enjoy it. So, be really careful here. This is why we want to focus on that emotional intimacy, so the physical intimacy comes also.

Let's normalise talking about intimacy. If you haven't had a real conversation about your physical connection in months, or years, it's time. Ask each other what you need, what's been missing, and what small changes would help. You could do this while you go for one of your evening walks. There you go, I planned it for you!

All right, if you're feeling stuck in roommate mode, here's your homework this week:

Pick one of these actions:

• Ask your partner something new about themselves, even if you think you know everything. I promise there's something you don't. We're always growing, and there are new things about us.
• Schedule one intentional "us" moment. It doesn't have to be a big date, just something where you focus only on each other.
• Put the phones away.
• Practice the six-second kiss, even if it feels awkward at first. Give it a shot, try it more than once.
• Surprise your partner with something small but thoughtful: a sweet note, their favourite snack, a genuine compliment — something that says, "I love you and I'm thinking of you."

Small actions done consistently create big changes, so pick one of those. That's your homework. You've got four to pick from. I believe in you, I know you can do it.

All right, my friends, that's a wrap for today. If this episode resonated with you, share it with your partner. Hint, hint, wink, wink. "Hey babe, this is for us." Or send it to a friend who might need it too. And don't forget to get your 18 Connection Questions for Couples in the show notes below, and use them this week! I want to hear how it goes. Until next time, remember, no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. See you next week!

Thanks for tuning in to Relationship Reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast; it helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection, too! And be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one! Your relationship is worth the work, and the rewards are totally worth the effort. See you next week!