Have you ever made a small promise to your partner — something like, "I'll take care of the dishes tonight" — and then completely forgot? Or maybe you felt hesitant to share something personal because you weren't sure how they would react? These little moments can chip away at the foundation of trust in a relationship, without us even realizing it. Today, we're diving into three small but impactful ways we often break trust in our relationship, and more importantly, how we can start rebuilding it.

Welcome to Relationship Reset: Reignite, Reconnect, Rebuild, the podcast for high-achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Rössler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected, and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories, and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in!

Let's start with the classic: the lack of follow-through. I can't tell you how many couples on a weekly basis address this in their sessions. You promise to do something, but life happens and it slips your mind. No big deal, right? Like, happens to all of us. Well, not exactly. Over time, these small broken promises add up, and it creates a sense of unreliability. Take one of my clients, for example. They were constantly frustrated with each other because one partner kept saying they'd handle certain chores, but rarely followed through. It wasn't about the dishes, it was about the trust. Each forgotten promise chipped away at the sense of security in their relationship. We think these are small things, but they do add up.

So, let's talk about a practical tool that we can start doing. If you're the one who's struggling with that lack of follow-through, when you commit to something, I want you to immediately set a reminder in your phone, or a timer, or something that goes off that tells you it needs to be done. And then when the alarm goes off, don't hit snooze (unless you absolutely have to because you're in the middle of something major). Don't hit snooze, complete the task! It will be so easy to keep putting it off and forgetting it, but you don't want to do that; you want to build trust with your partner. I know it sounds simple, but the act of committing something to a list or setting a reminder shows your partner you're serious about following through. And if you can't fulfill a promise, communicate it early. Take ownership. Don't get defensive, don't tell them all the other things you did. A quick text saying, "Hey, I won't get to this today, but I'll do my best tomorrow. I've already set an alarm," can make a world of difference. But just take ownership. Your partner doesn't want to have to remind you for the fifth time of the thing you forgot to do, that you know you forgot to do. And if you would just take ownership, they wouldn't have to remind you you forgot it.

If you want to take this a step further, you can consider having weekly check-ins. I call them Chief Household Officer meetings, where you discuss commitments and priorities: what needs to get done, who's doing what. And knowing that you have that accountability shows you're invested in the relationship and helps keep it front of center in your mind. "Oh yeah, we're meeting on Monday. I haven't done that thing. Let me go ahead and take care of it now."

Next up, let's talk about being a safe space, or more accurately, not being one. Have you ever opened up to your partner, only to be met with judgment, unsolicited advice, or worse, a dismissive attitude? It's one of the quickest ways to shut down communication and erode trust. And I know I just asked you, "Have you been met with it?" But the real question is, "Do you meet your partner that way when they come to you wanting to share something that might, for you, seem small or insignificant? Do you shut them down?"

One couple I worked with struggled with this. The wife often felt her husband was dismissive when she shared her struggles. Instead of feeling heard, she just constantly felt judged. Over time, she stopped sharing altogether, which created a big rift between them. He would say, "You never open up to me anymore, you never talk to me anymore." And she's like, "Of course not! Do you know what it's like when I do?"

So, what do we need to do? We need to go back and listen to the podcast episode about how to actually listen! The tool here is simple: we just need to practice active listening. When your partner shares, resist the urge to fix or judge, or make a face, or stare at your phone, or do anything that really just shows, "I don't care," or "I don't like it." Instead, just listen. Try responding with things like, "That sounds really tough," or "How can I support you?" Creating a non-judgmental space encourages openness and reinforces trust. But constantly meeting your partner with judgment, fixing, trying to create — you know — give a whole bunch of advice they don't even want, breaks their trust on repeat.

If you want to dive deeper into this, I want you to work on recognising your own triggers. Are there specific topics that make you reactive? You probably know a few. Understanding this can help you remain calm and present when your partner needs to talk, because you're already checking yourself and going, "Okay, this is one of those things. Let me take a deep breath, and I know it's not about me, they're just sharing right now."

Lastly, let's address micromanaging. This one's sneaky because it often comes from a place of love. You want things done a certain way, so you take control. But micromanaging can make your partner feel like you don't trust them to handle things, which, ironically, breaks their trust in you. I had a client whose partner felt constantly undermined. Every time he tried to help, she would step in and correct him: "You didn't do that right, note this should be done this way." It wasn't long before he stopped trying altogether, and that made her resent him even more. He felt more like a problem than a partner, and she felt more alone than ever.

So, the tool here? Practice letting go. Start small. Pick one area where you typically tend to micromanage, and consciously step back. Let them hang the laundry incorrectly. You will live, I understand, I get it. There's that feeling of, "But then we have to iron, you have to do these things." But let it go. Take a step back. Let your partner handle it their way, even if it's not how you would do it. Over time, this builds trust and shows respect for their autonomy. I don't know about you, but I learn from experience, so I need to do things the wrong way a few times to realise, "Oh, there's a different way to do this," and then I start doing it that way.

If you want to go deeper on this, I'd say explore why you feel the need to control. Is it anxiety? Is it fear of things not being perfect? How others see you? Understanding this can help you address the root cause and help foster a more trusting relationship.

So, these three small things — most of us are doing them in some way in our relationship, and they are breaking our trust. But here's the catch: when our trust is broken, we tend to then respect our partner less. We treat them with that disrespect in how we communicate when we're angry. We then want to stop connecting with them, and we find ourselves not wanting to be intimate with them. So, can you see how this is all connected? Why it's so important for us to even pay attention to these micro-things that cause macro problems.

So, here they are again, the three small but significant ways we often break trust: 1. Lack of follow-through; 2. Not being a safe space; and 3. Micromanaging. Remember that trust isn't built in a day, but it can be broken in a day. However, it can be rebuilt through consistent, everyday actions. This week, I encourage you to pick one of these tools and practice it. Maybe it's following through on a small promise, or just listening without judgment. I don't know, you decide! What's the one that you really struggle with the most? Reflect on your behaviours and see how these small changes can make a big difference. Check in with your partner: "Hey, do you notice I'm working on these things? It's 'cause I want to build your trust back up." Being able to set that intention helps your partner know, "Hey, I matter to my partner, they really care, and they want to build that trust, so I also want to meet them in the middle."

I hope you enjoyed today's short episode, but impactful in reminding us of the three things that we're probably doing to break trust, and what we can do to fix them. Remember, trust is part of the foundation of every relationship and deserves your time and energy to fix.

Thanks for tuning in to Relationship Reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast; it helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection, too! And be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one! Your relationship is worth the work, and the rewards are totally worth the effort. See you next week!