Hey there, and welcome back to Relationship Reset, the show where we tackle the real, messy, and often hilarious world of relationships after years of being together. I'm Katie Rössler, your guide through the wild ride of love, connection, and everything in between (which is where the messy stuff happens)!

And today we're diving into a topic that I know hits home for many of you: micro-connection moments. What does that even mean, Katie? This is how to build intimacy in 5 minutes a day. Yep, we're talking about those tiny, often overlooked opportunities to reconnect with your partner, even when life feels like a chaotic circus. Believe me, I get it! We have three kids; circus is a nice way to put it. So, go grab your coffee, your partner, or just a comfy spot and let's get into it!

Welcome to Relationship Reset: Reignite, Reconnect, Rebuild, the podcast for high-achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Rössler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected, and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories, and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in!

Life, am I right? Between work, kids, personal stress, and that sneaky little devil called resentment that shows up in our relationship, finding time for meaningful connection with your partner can feel downright impossible. Maybe you're running on fumes, juggling deadlines, wiping noses, or trying not to lose your mind during Zoom meetings. Yeah, I get it.

Here's the kicker: those little moments you have together, even if it's just a few minutes, can make a world of difference. But when you're overwhelmed, it's easy to let those moments slip by. Half the time we don't even see them! So here, let's talk about some of the common challenges I'm seeing couples face in this season of our lives.

No. 1: Work Stress. We've got long hours, tight deadlines, never-ending emails. We are talked out before we even get home. Or, if you're working from home, you're talked out before you leave your office space. We're tired of listening, we're tired of having to get feedback, we just want silence! Next is parenting duties. If you've got kids, then you know they're like demanding 110% of our attention. And if you've got multiple kids, then you know, like, that's just impossible; you take all of your attention for each one. If your kids are older, then it's that "What are they doing? Where are they? Why are they doing what they're doing? What are you wearing?" So, parenting duties can totally suck up all our mental and emotional energy and leave it so that we don't really feel like connecting with anyone afterward. Then there's personal stress. This can be health issues, financial worries, your own grief. When we have this stress that's going on within us, these challenges that we're facing, we often just want to cocoon and hide away. We don't really want our partner to see us in all our glory. Then lastly is resentment. Goodness, this one comes up a lot for the couples I work with. It's that slow-burning anger from feeling unseen or unsupported, or just feeling like, "Why did they get to take time off and I don't?" This resentment builds up and grows and leads to this, like, rage within us, which totally impacts our desire to connect with our partner.

Now let's talk about how to flip the script on these challenges and turn micro-moments into connection gold. All right, let's get practical. We're not talking about grand romantic gestures or lengthy deep dives into your feelings (although those can be great too, but I have a feeling many of you are like, "Thank you, Katie, thank you that it doesn't have to be all the things!"). No, we're talking about quick, doable rituals that fit in your busy lives.

So, here's the first one: The 5-Minute Check-In. This is a game changer. Every day, I want you to carve out five minutes to ask each other: "How was your day? What's one thing that made you smile today? Is there anything you need from me right now?" Keep it simple, light, and consistent so that it's something that's easy to repeat. Think same time every day, or worst-case scenario, you have to send each other a text message with these questions. It's best if it can be in person or on the phone where you can hear each other's voice, or video chat. These quick chats can help you stay in tune with each other without feeling like it's, like, another thing you have to do on your to-do list, right? Like, we want to spend time together, we want to build that friendship again. Often, I hear couples say how much they miss their best friend, and so the way you redevelop that friendship is to talk together. But because of our schedules, we have to be smart about how that looks. So, 5-minute check-ins are perfect. "How was your day?" "Well, my day's been a little bit stressful and feeling a little overwhelmed," right? Like, just being able to share.

One thing I will say: be very careful, because this can become a space for an external processor (those who like to talk out loud, composed, who are probably extroverts) to overshare. So remember, this is a 5-minute check-in. What does that mean? Two and a half minutes for one partner, and two and a half minutes for the other partner. So, keep it succinct. That can be hard for some of us (I'm raising my hand!), it is hard. My voice notes to my friends are the longest voice notes ever, and my husband has already shared with me that's not an option for him, so I am very aware that it's not always easy to keep it distinct. But we're not using the 5-minute check-in to word vomit all over our partner or use them as a dumping ground for the trash and challenges we face that day. It is a form of connection, so being able to be authentic and sharing, but distinct in how we do it, gives boundaries and respect to our partner too. Save the longer discussions for when you have that time.

Now let's talk about those micro-moments in your daily grind. Drying the dishes together, folding some laundry, waiting for the kids to finish brushing their teeth — that's a micro-connection opportunity! Use these moments to touch base, share a joke, or just enjoy each other's company. It's not about the activity, it's about being present with each other. And there's so much about the importance of us being intentional in these moments. And I'm gonna be honest, because we're all busy people, we need to call them out, we need to say it out loud: "I'm really enjoying this 2-minute connection with you." I often work with couples where one of them sees the micro-moment and the other doesn't, and instead of going, "Hey, this could be a moment of connection for us," the one who sees it feels resentment that their partner was not able to see it. Can we give each other breaks? We are exhausted, we are overwhelmed, there's a lot on our minds, there's a lot on our plates. It is not usually purposeful that we're not thinking about our partner. And I think the more that we can get out of this place of, "They should just know, they should be aware, it's always me," right? These types of things that we say out loud, for whatever reason, we have to be really careful that we're not stealing those micro-moments because of our own desires of how they need to look exactly, or who needs to acknowledge them. There might be one of you who acknowledges it better than the other, until one day the other one starts to see it too.

So, use these moments to touch base. Use these small times of putting dishes in the dishwasher or walking all together to get the mail, whatever it might be, as a micro-moment of just being together, laughing about something. Gosh, "Do you remember 10 years ago when this was our biggest problem, and now look at us? Up our challenge with today," right? Like, sometimes we just need to laugh at life, and we need to do it together, and we need to be able to connect in those moments. So, taking those micro-moments daily, calling them out so that both of you are aware, and whether you hold hands, just doing activity together, or stare at each other lovingly (hopefully in those couple minutes you have!), they can be big game changers in creating deeper connection over time.

Okay, the last tool I'm gonna give you is related to gratitude. You will hear me talk about this a lot on the podcast because I stand behind it as one of the greatest tools to build connection for a couple. And I've seen it happen for couples for years. The moment they started making a daily gratitude practice a habit, where they really put intention into it, and they did that on a daily basis, and if they missed it they didn't go, "Oh well, that's it, we're not doing it anymore," they kept doing it, they developed such strong connection and deeper intimacy much quicker than any of the other couples I was working with.

So, what does this look like? It is simple moments that you can even throw into those micro-moments of connection, where you say, "I am so grateful for this about you, for this thing that you did." And as I've shared before, be very careful that your gratitude isn't always about their actions, but also about just who they are in your life, what they bring to your life. And if you're in a season where it is hard to call that out, you can remind yourself of the things that you were grateful for in the first few years of your relationship. "I am so grateful you have supported me so often in my life," right? It may not feel like you're being supported right now, but that they've been a support, and that can be a reminder to them, "Oh my gosh, I really was a great support before, and I need to improve on that." But we need to be careful that gratitude isn't always based on what we do, because that kicks up for our partner (and for ourselves) that sense of "My worth is in what I'm able to give to my partner, and not just who I am for my partner."

So, this is another daily practice where I want you to be able to say to your partner, in some form of fashion — written on a Post-it note, sent through a text message, a singing telegram, I don't care! — you're making sure you're telling your partner daily something you're grateful for about them. If their love language is words of affirmation, this will go a long way, I promise you, you will thank me later on. If not, it's okay, still do the gratitude practice. This also trains our brain. If I am able to say to my partner something I'm grateful for about them, then they must not be as bad as my mind keeps telling me they are. I must not be so resentful, so angry, that I am able to actually think of something positive about them. And the reality of life and relationships is: there are positives and negatives, there are going to be both, and you can hold space for both of those emotions, and you can hold space for both of those points of view of your partner. They can drive you insane, make you scream "Why?!" and you can love them deeply and be so grateful for the type of cheerleader they can be in your life, or how they always remember XYZ when you forget it.

So, the power of gratitude is so huge, and a daily practice of thanks — "Thank you for who you are, thank you for what you give me, I'm so grateful for this, this has mattered so much to me" — will create big, lasting change in your relationship.

Now, before we wrap up, let's tackle one big issue that impacts connection, and I've addressed it a couple times already in the podcast: resentment. It's the silent relationship killer that can turn those micro-moments into missed opportunities. Resentment often builds up when we feel unappreciated or like we're carrying more than our fair share. Here are some ways to start to address resentment:

The first one is to acknowledge it. Just be honest about what's bothering you. Often I find that when I start to say, "Hey, it sounds like you've got a lot of resentment," it's like the pressure cooker has been opened. It's like, "Huh, thank you! Yes, that's what it is!" And it can be hard to figure out what it is exactly that we're resenting, but once we figure it out, it feels even better too.

The second is being able to communicate it. Share your feelings without blaming. "Hey, it frustrates me that you can sit on the couch and relax at the end of the day, and I look around and see all the projects I'm not able to turn off like you are. But I realize it's not really your fault." Use those micro-moments to express your appreciation and address some of these smaller issues before they grow bigger.

The third is having a team mindset. Remember you're in this together, and tackling challenges as a team strengthens your bond. So, if there's an area where you feel out of balance, share that. "Hey, I feel like I've done a lot to take care of our house today, to plan for this vacation, to take care of XYZ. Would you mind taking over this?" And often our partner will be like, "Yeah, I was wondering when you were gonna ask me for help," which frustrates the heck out of us that we have to ask. However, let that go. Being able to delegate some of this responsibility will help you feel less of that resentment. Being able to say, "Hey, I don't feel appreciated for all of the work that I did today, or this week, or for that trip," and allowing your partner to go, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought I said thank you" — or maybe they did say thank you, but we needed it to be in a bigger gesture than it was — that can be a very simple discussion without it becoming this emotional tornado because of the resentment.

So, there you have it! We've talked about micro-connection moments that can transform your relationship, five minutes at a time. We've addressed the challenges that can come up, as well as how to start tackling resentment so that it's not slowly strangling our relationship. Remember, it's not about finding more time, it's about making the most of the time you have. Whether it's a quick check-in, sharing a chore, or a brief call, these small actions build a foundation of intimacy and trust. So start today! Find your micro-moment and make it count. And if you have any stories or tips of your own, I'd love to hear them! Send them my way, and let's keep this conversation going. You can find me on Instagram @katie.rossler or send me an email at katie@rossler.com .

Thanks for tuning in to Relationship Reset! Until next time, take care and keep those micro-moments alive!

Thanks for tuning in to Relationship Reset. If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast; it helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection, too! And be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one! Your relationship is worth the work, and the rewards are totally worth the effort. See you next week!