Hey there, and welcome back to Relationship Reset! I'm Katie Rössler, your friendly neighborhood relationship translator, here to help you and your partner navigate the wild world of love, communication, and everything in between.

Today's episode is a special one. It's our very first "Dear Katie" episode! That's right, I asked you to send in your burning relationship questions, and let me tell you, you delivered! Some of you got real vulnerable, and I want to thank you for trusting me with your stories and struggles. I also want to thank the person who asked if it's normal to have a secret stash of snacks hidden from your partner. Spoiler alert: it is! I call that self-care.

So, here's how it's going to work: I'll read one of the questions you sent in and break it down, give you some practical advice you can start using today. Think of this episode as a mini one-on-one session, but with way more snacks and less awkward eye contact. Stick around to the end, because I'll share how you can submit your own question for future "Dear Katie" episodes. Who knows? Yours could be the next one we tackle!

All right, grab your coffee, tea, or—let's be real—probably your wine, and let's dive into this week's "Dear Katie" question.

Welcome to Relationship Reset: Reignite, Reconnect, Rebuild, the podcast for high-achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving. I'm Katie Rössler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected, and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week, we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories, and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in!

So, here's this week's question: "How do I criticize my partner without damaging the relationship? Here's a little background: my partner does not receive correction very well. He feels like he's already doing so much to support the household that anytime I ask him to do something new or change how he's doing something, he gets defensive about the contributions he's already doing and offended that I would ask more of him. I try to be gentle and to acknowledge how much he really does do, but he still reacts badly. The situation is unchanged, and I remain frustrated because he really does do a lot for our family, and so do I. And because I know how he'll react, I avoid bringing something up until it becomes a big enough problem for me that I really need a change. Eventually, it becomes a fight when I hit my own breaking point. Obviously, I feel like my requests are reasonable, but I can't get him to discuss the problem. He shuts down, and the conversation ends. I would at least like an 'I don't agree' so that we could begin negotiations about a solution we're both happy with. In Dakota, how do I handle my frustration that I have to handle my adult partner with kid gloves? I'm annoyed that we can't just have a simple conversation about a problem that needs a solution. I feel like I have to do complicated verbal acrobatics to figure out the exact right way he can tolerate hearing anything that's critical. Why does only one of us have to twist into a pretzel so that the other one can stay in a comfort zone during a hard conversation? Thanks for your help. Twisty Pretzel."

Okay, "Twisty Pretzel," let's get you untwisted and stop feeling like you're walking on eggshells. There's a few things here that I want to address, and the first one starts with the question you asked. Now, anyone who's ever worked with me knows I am a straight shooter. I call a spade a spade. "How do I criticize my partner without damaging a relationship?" That question right away shows to me, 1) you're at your wit's end, and 2) that the mentality is that this is got to be a negative, right? Versus, "How do I give my partner feedback to help us have a stronger relationship and get on the same page on what we need to get on the same page on," right? Like, "How do I get them feedback so that we come together?" Not, "How do I criticize my partner without damaging the relationship?"

A complaint versus a criticism is very different, right? When we complain about something, it's the issue at hand. A criticism really does attack the person; it attacks who they are, how they are. And we want to be able to complain about the behavior, the problem, the issue, the strategy that's not working, right? And not the person themselves. So that would be the first thing I would—I would shift my mentality on: criticism versus complaining, and criticism versus giving—let's just give feedback to grow our relationship stronger. I want to take into account how my partner listens, how my partner receives feedback, and how my partner is doing right now in their lives to be able to receive that feedback, right?

Another piece I'm sensing is missing in your dynamic is a gratitude practice. Now, this isn't just, "Thank you for doing that." I want you to think outside of shared responsibilities. When we have a gratitude practice with our partner, it goes beyond what they do, because we are more than what we do, right? We are worthy just because we are, not because we can provide something, we make stuff, we do stuff. We aren't this; we are this. So, our gratitude practice as a couple needs to be a mixture of who we are and what we do. "Thank you so much for emptying the dishwasher. You bring so much joy to my life just with your smile. Thank you for cheering me up when I was having such a bad day the other day. Thank you so much for putting the kids to bed so that I could just have a moment of peace," right? When we start to have gratitude that is a mixture beyond, "Thank you for the thing you did," this is key.

And a gratitude practice is just one of those essential practices all couples need to have, and it's so easy to let go of. I have yet to work with a couple who put a gratitude practice in place daily and regretted it. I always hear, "We feel so much more connected. I feel like we're on the same page. I feel like we're a team. And I know that I matter to my partner no matter what," right? So that's—for me, that's game-changer No. 1. Practical tool No. 1 is gratitude practice daily, both of you. You can send it in a text message, you can do it by phone call, you can say it face-to-face, you decide. You can incorporate it into your dinner together or breakfast in the morning, whenever you do see each other, but it needs to be daily. The more connected we feel to our partner, the more we feel like we're on the same team, the less we receive things as criticism, the more we receive them as feedback. And honestly, the more we give things as feedback versus criticism because we love our partner, we feel that love because we have the gratitude practice, and therefore we start to speak to them in that way.

Now, if you guys were working with me, one of the big things I would work on is your arguing styles. So, there's four different styles of arguing, and one style in particular is called "defect." That is the mentality of "I lose, you lose." We don't actively think that in the moment, but that's what happens. And "defect" is the flight response in "fight or flight." That—that's the running. Now, he's not literally running, but he's shutting down. That says to me that he is flooded, he's overwhelmed, his fight-or-flight system has been activated, and he doesn't know what to do or say. So he's stonewalling. And stonewalling is really challenging because, when our partner does that, it can happen for days. Some of you know that experience, right? Some of you do it yourselves, right? It's this: "I have so many emotions and so many thoughts all at once, and I do not know how to settle them. I do not know how to make sense of them in a way that will not hurt our relationship, so I'm just going to shut down." And it also is kind of a middle finger to our partner. "You're not worth my time. I'm not doing this. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of you." Again, we're not always actively thinking this, but subconsciously, this is what's playing in the background.

Often, people who get into this response cycle witnessed it growing up between their parents, or they were never taught emotional intelligence—about how to have anger and frustration and to have healthy outlets to release them and healthy ways to communicate it. So, when we have a partner like this, one of the key things we need to learn is how to give them space with boundaries. How to be able to say, "Hey, honey, I can tell, because you've already stonewalled me, you've already shut me out, that you're frustrated, you're upset, and you don't really feel like there's anything you can say or do to fix it. How about we take 20 minutes and go in our own corners or go take a 20-minute walk where we don't talk and calm down, and let's try to come together and talk about this differently?" And your partner might say, "No. It's the end of the day, and I want to go to bed." And you go, "Okay. I respect that. However, we are going to resolve this conversation. So, when tomorrow would be good?" And this might be a tug-of-war fight, but you have to stay calm, 'cause again, your partner is flooded. The problem is, you're probably flooded, too. But one of you has to be in a space where you go, "Okay, I see what's playing out here." Usually, there's one of us that's like the last to be at our tipping point, right? We're a little more patient. We're a little more patient, and then we're like, "Ah!" So we're able to go, "Okay. I—I get it. You need sleep. I understand that. But we are going to have this conversation because we need resolution. We both want harmony. And what I think needs to change may not be what needs to change. I'm open to hearing your thoughts, but I get it that you need some time to calm down right now."

So when we have a partner who's in "defect" mode, basically, right? We have to give them the space for their nervous system to calm down, but we also have to give them the boundary that this will only be for so long, and we will have this discussion again.

Now, a tool I love to use with couples who get into this sort of pattern or shut down happens is to bring out a notepad and a pen, and you write out the cycle of what happened, okay? "So, I said this, and I noticed that you said this or did this, and then I did this," right? Like, you literally write it in a circle, kind of like a cycle. And your partner can go, "Well, no, this is how I felt, or this is what happened." When I do this with couples, and I'll go, "Okay, so he said this." And then I look at the partner, I go, "And how did you feel? And what did you think when they said that?" And usually, we get a whole bunch of information, right? When you'll—he's saying, "I failed, and I'm not enough, and I never do enough. I never do it the way he wants it." Okay. "So, you feel like his perfectionism is impacting me," right? So we write that down. And then you respond with defensiveness or stonewalling, or whatever it might be, right? That's the next part of the cycle. And then I go, "Okay. And so when she does that, how do you feel?" And that's literally all you have to do with the piece of paper with each other, okay? "So, I said this, and what did you think or feel?" And then you write that out. And then you responded this way, right? Thoughts and feelings create actions, so then the action happens. And if you want to get really advanced, and both of you are in that space where you can do it, you can say, "And what were the beliefs you had about what I said? What is the story you're telling yourself when I say that thing? That you don't love me for who I am? That I am never enough? That my whole life is just about failing?" Right? Like, whoa. There's a huge belief. So, you maybe wait for therapy sessions for those to come out, but that's the upper level of what's happening when we have thoughts and feelings, is their belief systems that are being impacted.

So then we write down the next thing, okay? "Your action was this, and when you acted that way, here are my feelings and my thoughts and my beliefs, maybe, and that's why I acted this way." And then you go, "Okay. How do we want to change this cycle? Well, honey, I need to be able to give you feedback. What are the best ways to do that? Would you rather me write you an email or send you a text message? Would you rather us have our 'chief household officer' meetings, where we start to talk about things going on in our—our family?" And I'll get to those meetings in a second, right? "What can we do so that I can give you feedback, and you can give me feedback, but it's not a tit-for-tat, it's not a tennis match, um, but we create resolution?" And then you get to a place where you go, "Okay, here's how we change the cycle." Now, I know that sounds really calm, and it's never like that in the moment. There's something about bringing out a piece of paper and pen and literally seeing the graph, right? Like mapping it out, where we go like, "Okay, let's stay focused," and we see it in front of us.

Now, let's get to this—what I alluded to—the "chief household officer" meetings. Running your home, having shared responsibilities, has nothing to do with the core of the connection of your relationship, but it impacts it greatly. When we feel like we have to nag our partner to do something, when we feel like we have to annoyingly keep reminding them of something, or when our partner just doesn't fulfill their side of the partnership, it's going to affect our intimacy, our trust, our respect, right? Like, all of these things are going to be impacted. So, the more that we are able to see being the "chief household officer" of our home and our family a lot like running a business—we are the leaders and managers of this. How do we want to run it? What are our value systems that we have? What are the strategies and systems we want to put in place? How do we make our lives easier rather than more complex? Who's going to do what? When we start to have those types of discussions, it feels like you're on the same team, even if you disagree on how, what, where, why. When you're having those meetings, and you're going, "Okay, I get that in your home you did this growing up, and here's how I did it in my home growing up, but this is our home now. So, what works for us? How do we not go into the habit of falling into the patterns we saw growing up, where this person always did this, and this person always did this, unless we say, 'Actually, we like that, and we want to continue doing that'?" But the key is you have to come together and make those decisions together.

When we have those "chief household officer"—we'll call—"business meetings," right? Once a week, once a month, whatever works for you and your partner, we can talk about what's not working. "Hey, can you start taking care of cleaning up the bathroom after you've showered? I prefer not to pick up after you. I think this is one of those things where we need to both get into good habits where we do this—we pick up after ourselves—so no one feels like the maid of the other." "Yeah, I don't want you to feel like the maid. I just always forget, 'cause I'm onto my next thing." "I get that. Do we want to put like a bright, colorful sign at the door that you see that reminds you? Or what can we do to shift that? Like, how do we work together to get our needs met?"

These "chief household officer" meetings are game-changers for couples because, again, they get you back on the same page. You look at what's working and what isn't, and you choose what you want to be doing in the home, and what's not working for you. I'm sure we'll have a future episode on this, but I just wanted to touch base on that with answering this question, that maybe looking at, "How do I give feedback to my partner, especially on things about 'chief household officer' support for the house-type stuff," right? Shared responsibilities need to be in their own separate meetings and have nothing to do with your relationship. That means when you have a date night, you do your best not to talk about "chief household officer" tasks, okay? So, you have to really create boundaries in your mind around "relationship" and "shared responsibilities."

So, those are my three things I'd say. One is gratitude practice. Get heavy into it, both of you. Work on it. Be so intentional about it. The second is understanding the arguing style that's happening here. And you didn't share yours, so I'm not able to address that, but knowing his for sure and figuring out how you start to shift that. Get out that piece of paper and pen when it

it's a calmer moment. A lot of these discussions can happen after the heat of the moment, a couple days later, and go, "Hey, let's—I want to change how we argue. Like, I'd really rather us not argue like we have been. How do we shift this?" Right? You start to change it that way in those calm moments, not to lead to another fight, but to really go, "Here's paper and pen. What do we do to change this?"

And then the third, to start having "chief household officer" meetings, where you talk about managing the home and family.

Now, I'll leave you with this: by what you wrote, Dear "Twisty Pretzel," I can tell there's resentment. And I think one of the key things you'll have to work on is forgiveness and doing some healing work around that. Because in order for us to start speaking to our partner with more love, we have to let go of the resentment. And that takes personal work. We can't expect our partner to fix that for us. We have to be willing to forgive them, forgive ourselves, and to work through that resentment, better understand where it comes from, so that we don't perpetuate that pattern, right? Have our own cycle on paper, but we need to break. So, that would be something I would highly suggest looking into, okay?

So, thank you so much, "Twisty Pretzel," for your question. I hope I gave you some good tools and tips on what you can start doing differently in your relationship. And for those of you listening, if you've got more questions about this episode, feel free to email me at info@katierossler.com. Now, if you would like to submit your own question for the "Dear Katie" episode, look in the show notes and click on "Dear Katie Episode Submission." Share your question, and I'll do my best to feature you in a future episode.

Thank you again for tuning in to this episode, and remember: you can always hit reset. It's about doing it with intention and a little bit of gratitude.

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