Welcome back to Relationship Reset! I'm Katie Rössler, and today we are diving into something that sounds simple, but is secretly one of the hardest things to master: the art of listening. Listening isn't just about hearing words; it's about truly understanding what's behind them. And let's be real, it's also about not mentally drafting your response while your partner's still talking. Anyone else feel super called out right then?

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Katie, I've been listening since kindergarten. I've got this." But here's the thing: listening in relationships is a whole different ball game. It's not just about hearing words; it's about truly understanding your partner. So grab your coffee, your tea, or that glass of wine you've been looking forward to, and let's get into it!

Welcome to Relationship Reset: Reignite, Reconnect, Rebuild, the podcast for high-achieving couples who want to transform their relationship from surviving to thriving! I'm Katie Rössler, a relationship coach and counselor with over 15 years of experience helping busy, overwhelmed couples rebuild connection, trust, and intimacy. If you've been together for years and feel stuck on autopilot, disconnected, and frustrated by constant miscommunication, you're in the right place. Each week we'll explore practical tools, relatable stories, and strategies to help you reignite the spark, rebuild your bond, and create the relationship you've always dreamed of. Because no matter how long you've been together, it's never too late to hit reset. Let's dive in!

Okay, first things first: listening isn't just sitting quietly while your partner talks. I mean, sure, silence is part of it, but great listening involves your whole self: your ears, your mind, and your heart. Let's break it down. Imagine your partner says, "I'm really stressed about work." If your response is, "Yeah, work [is] stressful," and then you go back to scrolling on Instagram, guess what? You're not really listening. You're hearing, but you're not engaging.

True listening means putting your phone down, making eye contact, and saying something like, "I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Do you wanna talk about it?" You see the difference? It's about being present and showing your partner that what they're saying matters. A lot of resentment and breaking of trust happens in these moments where we try to come to our partner to share about our day, our struggles, our challenges, and we're met with nothing. We're met with somebody who is barely present and mindful, or in the moment, and we start to feel a sense of, "I really can't trust you with what's going on in my life." So we stop talking; we stop connecting.

Now, let's talk about the things we think are listening, but are not, because these are getting in the way, too. These are the sneaky little habits that trip us up. The first one is jumping to solutions. Raise your hand if you've ever said, "Why don't you just…" when your partner's venting. Yep, me too! But here's the thing: most of the time, your partner doesn't need you to fix it (just like you don't want them to fix it). They need you to hear it; they need you to listen. So when we go from, "I'm listening to you," to, "Oh, I've got solutions, 'cause I'm really actually tired of hearing you, or I know how to fix this, and oh man, you keep bringing this up, so why don't you just finally do this thing I've told you to…" we're not actually helping, okay? So can we just work on not doing that? And again, I'm raising my hand here, so we're gonna work on this.

No. 2: interrupting. This one's a classic—probably my biggest pitfall. Maybe you're excited to share your thoughts, or maybe you're trying to relate. Maybe there's something where you're like, "Haha, but I have this thing," or "I wanna correct you," or "No, that wasn't exactly it." Either way, cutting your partner off sends a message that what you have to say is more important. Remember in episode 2 we talked about respect? This is where we need to put it into action. Respect your partner enough not to interrupt them.

No. 3: defensiveness. Ever hear your partner say something like, "I feel like you're not helping [to] run the house," and your immediate response is, "Well, I did this, and I did that, and I have all this…" and—[you're] upright? That's defensiveness, and it's creeping in, and it shuts down real communication between you and your partner really fast. And yet, it's our go-to when we feel like our partner [is] saying we're failing, we're not doing enough, we're not enough. So we get defensive instead of just hearing our partner go, "I'm overwhelmed. I just need some help." Oh! "I can be of service to you," not, "I am failing and I'm not enough." No! "I can be of service to you. I can help."

So, do you recognize any of these three pitfalls: jumping to solutions, interrupting, or defensiveness? Don't worry, you're not alone. The good news is, awareness is the first step to change, right? We all know this. Awareness is the key, but then you need to do something about it.

Now let's talk about a game changer: reflective listening, man. This is a huge one in the therapy world. It's like holding up a mirror to your partner's feelings so they know you truly get it. Here's how it works: when your partner says something, you repeat it back in your own words. Here's an example: if they say, "I feel like I'm the only one [who] cares about cleaning the house," you might say, "So you're feeling overwhelmed because it seems like you're doing all the cleaning?" This does two things. First, it shows your partner that you're paying attention, and second, it gives them a chance to clarify if you misunderstood. They can go, "No, what I'm trying to say is this…" and you go, "Oh, okay, now I get it." It's simple, but it's incredibly effective. And to be honest, it's like 101 in the counseling world. Funnily enough, it's one of the first techniques we have to learn, and we have a whole test where we sit with another individual in a quote "therapy session," and all we can do is reflectively listen. It's aggravating, especially for those of us who [are] like, "Well, I have a suggestion! Here's a thought! Here's the thing! What about that?" No! It's important that we learn how to be good listeners, and the way to do that is to reflect in our listening. "Here's what I hear you saying. So this is what you're experiencing; this is what you're feeling," and allowing them to clarify before we even jump into suggestions, opportunities for change… maybe think about it this way, whatever is coming up next.

So reflective listening is great, but if we wanna go [to the] next level—like if you're like, "No, I'm actually kind of good at reflective listening; [I] wanna level up"—then you've got to bring empathy into the mix. And empathy is about putting yourself in your partner's shoes and feeling what they're feeling. Now, here's the thing: most people are like, "I'm just so empathic. I just feel everybody's pain." Okay, no. That's poor emotional boundaries. Empathy is, "I have an understanding and a sense of what this must be like for you. I can be in the presence of those emotions, but I do not have to take them on as my own. I do not have to feel them as my own, but I can sense what this must be like for you."

For example, if your partner says, "I am so exhausted from work," instead of just saying, "That sucks," you might say, "Wow, it sounds like you've had a really tough day. That must be so draining." Empathy turns listening into connection. Imagine if your partner had met you with that when you said, "I'm so exhausted from work." [Would] you get chills? You'd be like, "What? Hello! Who are you?" It's the difference between hearing words and truly understanding the emotions behind them. But we have to pay attention to do that, okay?

Let's get practical. You know I love practical tips here. So, here are some ways to help you become a listening pro. No. 1: be present. Put your phone down, turn off the TV, focus on your partner when they speak. Multitasking and listening don't mix. I'm sorry. Yes, I know you're trying to make dinner and they wanna have that deep conversation in that moment. [So] maybe you just say, "Hey, I—I can't focus right now, and I wanna be able to focus on you. Can we talk when the kids are in bed, or after dinner's made?" Or, if your dinner's in the spot where you can stop for a second, then be present.

No. 2: ask questions. Instead of assuming that you know what they're about to say or what they mean, ask clarifying questions like, "What do you mean by that?" or "How did that make you feel?"

No. 3: validate their feelings. Sometimes a simple, "That sounds really hard," is all your partner needs to feel seen and heard. You know this—you're listening to this thinking, "I wish they would do this to me." So you have to be doing it to them, too.

No. 4: practice patience. Fool—as high achievers, we struggle with this. Give your partner the time to express themselves fully before jumping in with your thoughts. I know your mind is racing; you have a million things on it; you think fast… add whatever it is, but you must respect them [enough] to fully be able to express themselves before you share your thoughts.

And No. 5: check in. First of all, check in [at] the beginning. "How can I support you in this? What do you need from me right now?" before you start fixing, before you dismiss what they say, before you go into anything that could turn negative. Ask what they need first, and then do that thing. Easiest math equation: a plus b equals c. One plus one equals two. I can't tell you how many couples I work with where I say, "But she told you what she needed." "Well, yeah, but I just wanted to go and do this thing." "Yes, but she told you what she needed. It would have solved everything." One plus one equals two. She gave you the math equation; you just needed to give the other one, and then it would equal two, which is the harmony you want. This happens on repeat—[it's] not gender-specific. But if we check in [at] the beginning, it can be really impactful and save us a lot of time and energy.

Check in also at the end of the conversation. Ask, "Did that help? Is there anything else you want to share?" It shows you're invested in the conversation and in the experience. And yes, all of these tools are not just for your relationship; they can be [used] at work, they can be [used] in your family life, [or when] you [are] with your friends. These are great tools for better listening for anyone.

So why does all this matter? Because listening is one of the most powerful ways to show love and respect. It builds [a] deeper connection. When you listen well, you're telling your partner, "You matter [to] me. Your thoughts and feelings are important." And here's the thing: when both partners feel heard, it creates a positive cycle. Better listening leads to better communication, which leads to stronger connection, trust, and intimacy. It's like a domino effect, but in the best way.

So here's your homework this week: focus on listening. Pick one conversation with your partner and practice being fully present. Use reflective listening, validate their feelings, and see what happens. And if you wanna take it a step further, book a Level 10 Relationship Assessment with me. We'll dig into what's working in your relationship and where there's room to grow. It's like a listening boot camp, but way more fun and without the muscle aches. The link's in the show notes.

Remember, listening is a skill, and like any skill, it gets better with practice. So thanks for tuning in to Relationship Reset! I'm so glad you're here, and I hope today's episode gave you some new tools to try out. Next week's episode will be starting with our first "Dear Katie" submission, where I'll be answering one of your questions about how to improve your relationship. Until then, take care, keep listening, and don't forget to hit that reset button when you need it.

Thanks for tuning in to Relationship Reset! If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who might need it, too. Don't forget to rate and review the podcast—it helps more couples discover these tools to rebuild their connection, too. And be sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss next week's episode. It's gonna be a good one! Your relationship is worth the work, and the rewards [are] totally worth the effort. See you next week!