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Feeling stuck in your relationship after years together? Relationship Reset is your go-to podcast for busy, high-achieving couples ready to break free from autopilot and rebuild a thriving partnership. Join relationship expert Katie Rössler, LPC for practical tools, real-life stories, and actionable advice to reignite passion, rebuild trust, and reconnect on a deeper level. Whether you’re navigating communication breakdowns, struggling with intimacy, or just feel disconnected, this podcast is here to help you transform your relationship—and create the love you’ve always envisioned.
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Relationship Reset: Reignite, Reconnect, Rebuild
What's Triggering You and Why with Eloise Tomkins
Does the word "triggered" make you cringe? The term has become a buzzword in recent years, often used to place blame and avoid responsibility for our own emotional reactions. But what if triggers could actually be valuable opportunities for self-awareness and growth?
In this episode, I'm joined by Eloise Tomkins, a psychologist and money mindset coach, to explore the true meaning of triggers and how we can use them to better understand ourselves and our relationships.
In this engaging discussion, Eloise highlights the importance of taking ownership of our emotional responses, rather than externalizing blame and the connection between our nervous system and our emotional triggers.
We also explore the difference between positive and negative triggers, and how both can offer valuable insights into our inner world. Additionally, we discussed the practical strategies for managing triggers and creating a healthy space between stimulus and response. Also, the role of self-compassion and awareness in navigating challenging emotional experiences.
In this episode:
- How to recognize and understand your triggers, both positive and negative.
- Why taking ownership of your emotional reactions is crucial for personal growth and healthy relationships.
- How EMDR and other therapeutic techniques can help rewire negative memory networks.
- Discover the power of creating space between a trigger and your response.
Connect with Eloise
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/eloisetomkins/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/eloisetomkinscoaching
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/eloisetomkins_/
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Welcome back to the podcast! Today, I'm talking with my wonderful guest, Eloise, about a topic that's becoming quite the hot topic: what triggers you. Therapists around the world are giggling because we've been using the term "trigger" for a really long time to represent many different things.
So today, we're going to explore what it actually means to be triggered. Is it always bad? Can it be good? What can we learn from it?
Welcome to the Balance Code podcast, a place for high achievers to step outside the hamster wheel of day-to-day life and start learning tools for more balance. I'm your host, Katie Rustler, and I will be guiding you on this journey of discovering your balance code.
Katie: Eloise, thank you so much for being here! I'm excited for us to dive in on this. Please share with us a little bit about who you are, what you do, and who you serve.
Eloise: Hi! Thanks so much for having me as a guest. I laughed, definitely, at the word "trigger," um, because, yes, as therapists, we definitely do have a different way of using the word. Um, as you mentioned, I'm Eloise Tompkins, and I'm trained as a psychologist in Australia. But I've actually moved into the entrepreneurial space where I've really developed a passion for helping people improve their relationship with money. Um, it's another hot topic...another hot word, "money." Uh, so that's a little bit about what I do. And, that being said, in my spare time, I am owned by my Italian Greyhound dog who thinks that he runs the rest of my household. So that's a little bit about me, but I'm super excited to chat today about triggers because the way that I work is very much from that somatic, or body-based, point of view. Um, and so the whole concept of triggers is just right up my alley.
Katie: So, yes! Well, so what I find funny, and I think it was really with the rise of social media, that the whole term "trigger," "trigger warning," things like that started to come about, I think, in the last five, six years, when people started to become even more politically correct—for good reason. There was, "Hey, let me be aware of your triggers." But because of that, the word "trigger" has a very negative connotation. Can you kind of take us down your own perspective of what has happened around this word and how it's become kind of a buzzword for people to use?
Eloise: People love to have a way to describe their experiences. They...we love to be able to categorize. We love to be able to put labels on things so that we can make sense of them. And I see this all the time with mental health diagnoses like OCD, or, um, even, I think, "narcissistic"...what the word "narcissistic"...narcissism is being heavily used. And so I really think that people thrive on being able to categorize and put labels on things so that we can make sense of them. And we've done that with the word "trigger." And the way I see it is that what has tended to happen is we use the word "trigger," like you said, as in a very negative way, like, "Oh, I've been triggered!" And it's almost...the way that I've seen it be used is like, "...and you have done that to me!" It's this externalizing of, uh, their behavior and, "You've left a negative reaction on me," which I find frustrating because it's putting that onus on somebody else to make sure that our emotional state is, um, okay, grounded at all times. And what I find with that is we then are no longer taking accountability for our own emotions. So I'm not so much—accountability for our own emotions, but we then don't...yeah, I guess, take accountability. Maybe...maybe that's what I mean. Ha ha. Um, because we're so concerned about making sure that other people are doing almost right by us. And it very much has taken off on social media. So I actually don't like those trigger warnings. I think they're really damaging in a...in a lot of ways. It does set up anything you're about to share for, like, ultimate failure. It's like, "Oh, I'm already going to read this through a lens of 'What is it you're going to trigger in me?'"
Katie: And I was just thinking about, like, when we're hungry, right? When we're, like, hungry and angry, we're not, like, you know, "Food, or brain, or body, you're triggering me!" Right? Like it's not, like, "Oh, well, I'm actually being triggered by a response in my body...in the blood sugar low that I need to eat, and it is emotionally setting me off." You're right, we point the finger at someone else and go, "You, so-and-so, have triggered me! You need to fix this! You have caused this!" So now I've cut you out of my life. And when we see "trigger" as a form of...not manipulation, but it's exactly what you said, is we're no longer responsible for calming our own nervous system, settling ourselves, exploring why something upsets us. We're immediately going, "You're the problem! I can't read anything that you do, I can't listen to you, I can't..." you know, like...
Katie: Oh no! And you can't build resilience and heal if you constantly run from it.
Katie: So, Eloise, let's dive into both sides of triggers. And maybe let's start with, in the psychology world and from your perspective, what is a trigger, actually?
Eloise: It's really interesting to reflect on what is the trigger, actually. Because it's not being...because, I guess, it is, in some ways, being impacted by what somebody else does, or what something...what's happening around us. But essentially, a trigger is...is our body responding to what's going on in the environment. Our body responding to our senses. So our nervous system is kind of receiving all of these cues all of the time, whether it's through what we're seeing, whether it's through what we're hearing, whether it's through touch, taste...and I'm pretty sure I've missed one. Maybe it's sound. All of those things...all of our environment are such, uh...things are coming in to our senses by all of those cues. And sometimes, something's going to come into our system that reminds us of something from our past. And if it reminds us of something from our past that might have been a difficult experience, or a traumatic experience, or an upsetting experience, then we're going to have a strong emotional reaction to that. And that strong emotional reaction is often what we consider to be the hashtag trigger. And we then perceive that trigger to be a negative thing because, "Oh my goodness, I've been triggered! I've had this disproportionate emotional response to something!" I'm aware that it's a disproportional...or sometimes we're not even necessarily aware that it's disproportionate, uh, emotional response to it, 'cause it just feels normal to us. And then we can start to judge or shame ourselves for that response, which then kind of perpetuates the fact that being triggered is a bad thing.
Katie: I love that you pointed out at the end that we can judge or shame ourselves because I think most of us have two ways of handling that feeling of the judgment and the shame: that we either lash out at the other person, right? Lash out at others: "You guys are the problem!" Or we sort of implode and attack ourselves. What I heard you saying is triggers are actually a way for us to better understand what's going on in our body, and also our mind. Like, the trigger is sort of the warning sign: "Hey, there's something to pay attention to here!" And as I mentioned with the example of being, like, "hangry," sometimes it's not even the person, right? It's like, "My blood sugar's low. Am I...is this happening with me?" So it's important that we start to see that these triggers are just a sign of, "There's something going on," and to be curious about it. Give me some examples of positive triggers so people can start to understand, "Ah, okay, this word is much more holistic than we've been using it."
Eloise: Absolutely. And it's so interesting to think about triggers, uh, as a positive. Because, like we've been discussing, a lot of people do think of them in that negative context. And I just—before we jump into the positive side of it—I want to reflect on something that you said. Because when we think about, uh, I guess, triggers...those more negative triggers, the ability to pause in between the trigger and the response is...that is healing, right? That is the epitome of healing. When we're able to notice our trigger and be able to take that space, take a breath, or whatever it is that we need to do to help our nervous system in that moment before responding. And when you talk about healing, that is it. Um, and then if we kind of move on to what you were describing as the positive triggers, I love this because you're right, it does put it in that more holistic category. And you may have had these experiences where, if you think back to your childhood, and you were baking cookies, and then as an adult you go into a bakery, for example, you smell the cookies, you might think, "Oh my goodness, I used to love baking cookies with Grandma," or whoever it was that you were baking cookies with, and it brings back that hit of nostalgia, that warmth, and those really fond memories. That is an example of a positive trigger. It's just in a different way. So if we think about "trigger" from the definition that we were working from before, the incoming stimulus is that sense of smell—smelling the cookies, smelling that sweet...I was going to say "juicy," but I don't know if cookies are really juicy. It's probably not juicy. That really sweet smell in the air, and then it kind of activates your nervous system to open up your memory networks, and your memory networks are connected to all of those beautiful memories, which then may allow you to think about other memories that you had with your grandma. I mean, I'm like...now I'm stuck in cookie land. I guess I remember doing the...and they—right? All the other memories come flooding in.
Katie: Which is a great example of how then a negative one could then create all negative memories flooding in.
Katie: So what do we do once we notice, "I'm being triggered," and I...if it's a nostalgic way that also brings emotion, what are some tips you have for that, right? And honoring, holding space, maybe. But what about, "Okay, I am being triggered, and it is creating a negative, judgmental, shame, guilt response in me." What are some things we can start to do to help shift that as well?
Eloise: That's such a good question. And one of the first and foremost things is kind of having that compassion for ourselves. That recognizing—absolutely—every single person is going to experience triggers, whether they're positive or negative, or neutral, actually. That's a good point. I don't know whether we have neutral triggers. I just kind of thought about that then. I definitely...because I don't...neutral? Hmm. I know that I'm, like...I don't know. I talk about that in terms of thoughts, like we have positive thoughts, negative thoughts, and kind of neutral thoughts. So that's where my mind went with triggers, and I'm, like, "I don't know. Probably we do." And we have...I know...now we're both just...great.
Katie: I'm, like, "Can we keep going?"
Eloise: Well, we'll come back to that. And so the first and foremost thing is that self-compassion, and just...just recognizing the humanness of emotions. And I think that a lot of times, like a lot of the work that I do with people in my, um, psychology work, is understanding that emotions guide us. The triggers that evoke those emotions are guiding us. They're guiding us to learn more about ourselves. And when we can start to understand that they're helping us to understand and invite us to learn more about who we are, that can be—really nice for me, anyway—it can be a really nice refrain to then think, "Okay, what do I want to do with this?" And to be honest, like, my own negative triggers have kind of allowed me to start my own business, and to do my own coaching, and to kind of create my own version of success. Because without those triggers, and going on my own self-development journey, I wouldn't be here because I wouldn't have been doing the work, to be honest. So they can be a really beautiful, uh, opportunity, even though it might not feel like it at the time, 'cause sometimes it can be hard work. The other thing is being able to put that space between what you impulsively want to do. Because oftentimes, triggers will come, and it will almost—for sometimes, for some people—feel like it is something that you just want to...boom! Do. And there's no that...like, the...no pause. And so being able to kind of create a little bit of space, which means creating awareness, developing awareness of what your triggers are. And sometimes it's hard to do in the moment, and sometimes it can be about taking a step back, pausing, reflecting on your day, or reflecting on your week. Sometimes it's reflecting with a psychologist and being able to break down some of those moments. And also recognizing when you have wins. Because changing patterns is hard. Changing our trigger patterns is...can be really difficult for people, and it takes time and practice. And so recognizing seemingly small wins, because those are going to build up over time, and all of a sudden you look at your life and go, "Oh my goodness, I'm responding a lot differently, and now it's enabling me to do X, Y, and Z that I never thought I would have been able to do in the past."
Katie: Hey there! I just wanted to take a moment to interrupt this interview and ask you a question: Are you ready to take your relationship to the next level? If so, I have a free and unique assessment that I've created to help you pinpoint the areas of your relationship that need a little TLC. Whether it's improving communication, building your trust, enhancing intimacy, or aligning on your future goals, this assessment covers it all. It's called the Level 10 Relationship Assessment, and it's like a roadmap to your dream relationship. So why wait? Go book it! It's free, easy, and can make a world of difference in your relationship. Click the link in our show notes below to get started on booking your Level 10 Relationship Assessment now. Back to the interview!
Katie: I think it's important to point out, let's say you're in a relationship, and a triggering event occurs. And I mean...use it in the context of a negative triggering event. You mentioned pause, take a deep breath, and really reflect. You have to communicate that's what you're doing if you're in an argument or discussion with someone, or even just maybe you're in the car together, and something happens and you're, like, "Oh, I feel triggered by that memory," right? Maybe there's a smell of lavender and you're, like, "Oh, Grandma," or whatever, and then sad memories come, right? But that positive trigger also had negative...being able to communicate with your partner, "Hey, I'm...I feel myself in a little bit of grief right now. I might be a little...might be a little off the next hour." So we have to learn how not only to be aware, but then to communicate, "Hey, I'm noticing something bothering me. I'm going to try to figure that out," rather than lash out immediately and go, like, "Leave me alone! I don't know! I'm upset!" Right? Like that reactivity. So it's good you mention that, because...and that awareness. And I would say even take it a step further, when you're in the context of a friend, or a family member, or a partner, to then be able to say, "I'm noticing something shifting in me, and I just need some space to feel it and figure it out, and then I'll come back to you." We often don't do that, and that's...that's hard.
Katie: Now, Eloise, I know that you are trained in EMDR, correct?
Eloise: Yes, yes, absolutely.
Katie: So this training has taught you even further about that...the memory that can come up with a trigger event. What, um...can you explain EMDR to the listeners, in case, as they're...they're listening to us talk about positive and negative triggers...and...we're going to say there's neutral triggers. We haven't figured out what they are, but we will say there are. So when a trigger occurs, if their brain...sometimes our brain is gravitating towards the negative, even if the trigger might be a neutral or positive, how can EMDR support them?
Eloise: So EMDR stands for the mouthful—it stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I...I absolutely love EMDR, but the name...of EMDR...could have come up with something a little bit smoother. Anyway, EMDR essentially operates from the idea that when, as we go through life, if we experience upsetting events, um, they kind of—like we're talking about before—kind of band together. And just like positive memories band together—we smell the cookies, we think of Grandma, all of the lovely other memories with Grandma come flooding back—same
Eloise: with the negative memories. If something happens, and then, like, for example, we might be bullied at school, and then we might have another experience that's not quite the same, um, it's a little bit different, but we might be delivering a speech and, um, we don't get good feedback. It's not necessarily the same, but it might evoke those same emotions. And, um, we build, I guess, these memory networks around different events. And the...the reason is because our brain likes to make things really easy and simple so that we can just grab information really, really quickly. So we don't have to think too much about it; our brain just likes to do things on autopilot. And when we have these negative memory networks within our brain, they can lead us to develop beliefs about ourselves. So it's not that we just have the memory, we also have our interpretation of that, and then we have this collective interpretation of that whole bunch of memories that we've got floating around in our mind.
Eloise: And with those memories with Grandma with baking cookies, it might be, "Ugh, I was so loved," whereas if we have the bullying and the presentation, it might be, "I just...I'm not good enough," or "I can't succeed. I'm a failure." And if we have those kind of beliefs about ourselves, then that continues on throughout our adulthood, and we look for more evidence that that belief is true. With EMDR, though, what we do is we kind of go back to those original core memories that are the hottest, most painful memories, and we rewire them so that it takes the emotion out of those memories and helps to be able to facilitate development of, um, more positive beliefs. So obviously, the memories are still going to be there. Obviously, those experiences are still going to have occurred in your life, but we're able to then reframe it in a way that the meaning of those experiences is no longer negative.
Katie: Yeah, I...I love...I've used EMDR a couple of times for dramatic events that happened in my life. And when we say "trauma," you can capitalize that "T," lowercase the "t"—it doesn't matter. EMDR is effective for a variety of reasons. Um, I also love EFT, so tapping...Emotional Freedom Technique...due to the same thing. Like, we look at the core memory, and we help, through tapping, to regulate the nervous system. So these are two great tools if you're listening, dear listener, and you're, like, "I...I need some support in this." EMDR and EFT, um, finding practitioners who do this, contacting Eloise and saying, "Hey, I'm in Australia, too, and I...you know...EMDR, like, what...what can I do? Who do I talk to?" Having these resources will be really, really helpful because often when we think going to a psychologist or a therapist, "Oh, talk therapy..." Actually, a lot of us are starting to get trained in other methods because the brain doesn't need to always just talk it out. There are other things that can be really effective in the healing process, you know, when you find your brain goes naturally more towards being in the negative spot of being triggered, rather than, "Hey, I can see these positives of the memories I have," right? And then I can let go of the shame and forgive myself, or forgive others, or whatever it might be.
Katie: So, Eloise, this has been absolutely wonderful, and...and thank you for explaining to us more about what a trigger actually is and how we can be more aware of the positive ones. And, dear listener, if you've got a neutral one for us, write us and please tell us because let's...let us know! We're...we'll figure it out. We'll figure out...I was even, like, as you were talking, I was, like, "Okay, well, that might be...no, that could be positive. That could be..." I don't know. Maybe it's subjective. Let us know if you've thought of a neutral trigger. But just recognizing it as an activating event...something in your body is shifting in, and in your mind...and being aware that that can lead you to want to be reactive, to have emotional thoughts, positive or negative. Um, and sometimes we want to change those thoughts and those feelings and how we go about it and be healthy or unhealthy. So, Eloise, if people want to connect with you and...and to learn more from you, and maybe they're, like, "Oh, I want to learn some more of the money stuff she talks about," where can they find you?
Eloise: Money is definitely my jam. I've certainly, um, love helping people work on their money mindset and, interestingly enough, integrate EMDR into that space as well because it's just such a powerful method to help people really smash through those, um...those money blocks really quickly. So if people want to find me, I mostly live over on Instagram. So, um, they can find me there. Or if they're wanting to understand their sub...their own subconscious money blocks, then they can find out their subconscious money archetype through the quiz, which you'll pop in your show notes, I'm guessing?
Katie: Yeah, definitely. I'm the Wounded Warrior archetype, you know? And EMDR...I've...EMDR...had my own blocks around that. So, yeah, we'll see. That's the beauty of having that skill set. But how neat that you combine EMDR with money mindset and healing around the idea of money in the energy of money. So I think that's wonderful. Eloise, thank you again for taking the time, for teaching us, and to sharing your wisdom. And, dear listener, here's to finding our balance code.
Katie: Thank you for listening to today's episode. I hope you enjoyed it! Take a moment to leave a rating and a review on your favorite podcast platform. That helps other listeners just like you to find this podcast, too. Want to connect and learn how we can work together? Check out the links in the show notes below. Discovering your balance code doesn't have to be a one-person journey. You can have a team, and I'd love to support you. So here's to finding our balance code!