How to Feel a Sense of Control in the Chaos

Speaker 1: 0:02

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast, a place where you have permission to step outside the hamster wheel of day-to-day life and learn tools to create more balance. My name is Katie Russell. I'm a licensed therapist and burnout and hidden grief specialist. I support ambitious, goal-driven people who are ready to get off the one-way train, to burnout and start to enjoy life again to the fullest. Oh and, by the way, I'm a mom of three, an ex-pat living in Germany who's still learning the language, and an entrepreneur Living. My balance code is what keeps me able to work in incredible ways without burning up. So let's find your balance code. Hey everyone, welcome back to the Balance Code Podcast.

Speaker 1: 0:51

Today I want to talk to you about the feeling that we either care too much or don't care enough about what's going on in the world and going on in our neighborhoods and going on in our work and our families, and it's becoming this overwhelming weight on our shoulders to feel like it's all on us. But before we dive into that, I want to share with you that the doors are open for the stress less society. This is the perfect group for women who are passionate about doing well and all the things that they do, but they find by doing that, they're exhausting themselves. You're always putting on your oxygen mask last because you're taking care of everybody else, but you're actually at a point where you're starting to go. You know what. It's time for me to take care of myself too, because this holiday season I don't want to be burned out. By the time it's January 1st, as you know, we're coming up on the toughest months for us ambitious women. The rainy season and winter months lead us to feel stressed, exhausted and low in our motivation. It's the holiday hustle too much on our calendar, difficult family members, sick days and all that great weather that lead us to feel like we have lost our fire and our enjoyment in life. But I don't believe that has to be that way. This year In the stress less society, I will be teaching the group how to use effective techniques like tapping, breath work, cognitive behavioral strategies, mind body tools I mean, I could go on and on in order to handle stress better. No, not the stressors, because some of those things are not going away, let's be honest but the stress itself. You can learn this skill and I'm here to teach it to you. So if you're interested in learning more about the stress less society. Go into the description below, click the link and see if it's the perfect fit for you.

Speaker 1: 2:37

Okay, so let's dive into today's topic. I was speaking with a friend about what's going on in the world and there's this constant feeling Am I wearing enough? Am I wearing too much? Is this getting to me? Is this adding more stress in my life? But I need to know these things. Do my kids generation blame me for how the world is today?

Speaker 1: 2:58

It all feels like a lot. We've got climate change, political issues, war in the world. There's just constantly something on the news for us to soak up like a sponge, and it becomes extremely overwhelming to take in. I have laughed recently as I've read articles from neuroscientists who say I don't read the news because our brains are not meant to take in all of this stuff at once, and the negativity bias that we already experience because our brains are always looking for negative right amplifies it even more, and so we see the world through an even greater negative lens, which gives us coming back to watching the news and reading the stuff, and you know it's a never ending cycle. But here is the issue. At the end of the day, we're here to talk about creating balance in our lives and handling stress better so that we don't go towards burnout. And if we are adding more stress to our world, our personal lives, by continually inputting negativity, then we're going to always be thrown off balance.

Speaker 1: 4:05

Now I'm not telling you to stop reading up on the news or listening to what's going on or watching for some of you, but I want you to take into consideration there are things in our lives that are part of our circle of concern and then, taking this from Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People because I love teaching this we have this huge circle and it's our circle of concern all the things that concern us, and if you had to fill in that circle, you probably can think of many things right now that are on your mind. We can add in all that stuff we just talked about, the news. We can add in our friends who are going through difficult times or going through divorce or health issues that are happening in our family, or the things in our own home and our children, and are they getting good grades? And did I upset that person when I didn't do this thing? And what's going on with my work? And do I need to look for a new job and should we move? And okay, so you get it right.

Speaker 1: 5:00

There's lots of circle of concern issues. We are caring people and we want to make sure our people are fine and our world is fine, and this is a wonderful quality to have. But it's kind of like saying, well, if I worry, then I've contributed in some way. Well, no, by worrying, all you've done is hurt yourself and not actually contributed in any way. Worrying has no action behind it. It is literally just a thought process with emotions continually going on in your mind. So we have this huge circle of concern with all of these things that we're worried about. We're concerned about, we care.

Speaker 1: 5:41

And then Covey says we have this smaller circle inside of that bigger circle and that is called the circle of influence. Now, as it sounds, it's exactly that. It's the things that you actually have influence over. It's the things you can actually impact. What are we going to have for dinner tonight? I have impact over that. Are we saving enough in our finances for a crisis that might happen? I have impact over that. Am I staying healthy? Are my kids staying healthy? I have impact over that. You get what I'm saying. It's the things that we actually have influence over, we can actually do something to greatly impact it. Now, if we look back at that circle of concern and I hope you'll take a moment and write down what all your things are, because literally it can fill up a huge circle and then I want you to start next to those things, what you actually have influence over.

Speaker 1: 6:35

Now, okay, back to episode three juggling. We believe that certain balls that we are juggling are glass that are actually rubber, because we believe we're the only ones who can do it, or do it as well as we do, or we have such great impact over, and we tend to forget that we are amazing people, but we're also not everything. So they are rubber balls. They can bounce on their own right. And if you're like, what are you talking about? I'll make sure that episode three is linked in the description below.

Speaker 1: 7:05

But this is one of those situations where we often think what we have influence over we don't, or we believe we should, and so, therefore, we start to create the actions and we need to stop because it's draining our energy. Take an honest look at your circle of concern and tell yourself what do you really have impact over? Now the example I like to use with this when it comes to what you think you have influence over. And then what you really have influence over is Social media post, especially around like political voting time, right. So when somebody puts out there what they believe or think and states it as a fact and it really annoys the heck out of you, or someone Responds in a comment to that post and you don't like what they have to say, well, immediately your brain goes Circle of influence. I can do something about this and I will tell them what I think and feel right now. I'm gonna throw in statistics, I'm gonna make sure they know that their point is wrong because I can influence this.

Speaker 1: 8:04

And Then 30, 45 minutes later or a whole half day later for some of us, we have gone back and forth with someone who didn't really care to hear our point of view, because they were only about their point of view, and we're realizing we've just gotten stuck in the circle of concern and not the circle of influence. So I love that example because we all know it, we've seen it. Whether we've done it, most of us have. We get caught up in these moments where we believe there is Influence. I can change how they think I can prove a point and that will shift their belief system. I can put them in their place and what it really does is drain our energy, drains us emotionally and mentally, gets us involved in something that actually doesn't do anything to move us forward in our goals and creating better balance in our lives, living even towards our values. Right, like most of us have the value of freedom and enjoyment of life, and that does not add to it at all. But because it gets under our skin and aggravates us and triggers us might be the word you like to use Then we do something, thinking we have impact. Now I'm not saying that your voice doesn't matter. I mean, look at me, I am a voice on a podcast. Of course your voice matters, but it's about where you're using your voice and how you're using it.

Speaker 1: 9:19

Your circle of influence needs to be about the things that matter to you, your values, the system that you base how you live your life on. If you are going out and spreading your energy thin by involving yourself in that circle of concern, that's not effective. If part of your values is to be educated, or maybe in your work, it is important for you to know what's going on, then the news is important. But then have boundaries. Understand that you don't need to emotionally get invested in all of the things you read. Part of the reason they are written that way is so you do get emotionally invested. It is a business. It is a company that wants your eyeballs, it wants your ears and once your eyeballs and once your brain and once your heart. It wants you invested in being a part of it. So create boundaries around that. The things that are your circle of concern Can have boundaries around them.

Speaker 1: 10:14

When that friend calls and you know that they're just going to be talking about All the blah in their life and the struggles and you're in a place right now where you can't support them, it can be a circle of concern where you write them a text message and not respond and say, hey, now it's not a good time. Please know that I'm thinking about you and when I've got a time slot where I can chat I will call you and then make sure you call because you do care. But there are boundaries around your time and energy that you get to have when it comes to the circle of concern. The circle of influence is helping your friend to feel listened to. But if you notice that every phone call and every person they talk to in your friend group it's the same stuff. They're not actually looking for help. They are kind of stuck in that feeling of it's easier to be the victim right now than to do something about it. Or maybe they're just in a season where it's easier to sit in that feeling than to take action. Right, I mean you can positive side of it, the negative side of it, whatever you want to think, but at the end of the day, be careful that your hero, complex, that star child, that one who can save the world Superman, superwoman, whomever right, that that side of you is not trying to take over. When you get involved in circle of concern issues, your circle of influence is where you get to be that superperson, right, that's the place where you can do the amazing acts of service and help and getting things done and being productive.

Speaker 1: 11:38

I find in my own life I avoid the circle of influence More than I do the circle of concern. I'm like, oh yeah, well, that's easy. Yeah, I know that that would make my life easier, but you know what? This this seems so important right now. I have to focus on this and I'm going to waste the next 45 minutes on it and then I'll only attribute 5 to 10 minutes on that thing I actually have influence on. That will make my life better. I know some of you are listening. You're like, yep, yep, that rings true. So it's true, there is the chance that the weight of the world could be on your shoulders because of the circle of concern. But now you get to start to take off some of that weight by looking really at what your circle of influence is. I get it. This is easier said than done. It is a lifelong journey and Stephen Covey even describes it as just one of those things where the more you're aware of it, the better.

Speaker 1: 12:35

But it is hard to fight that natural inclination towards the drama, because the circle of concern is the addiction to the drama and we all love it. But I grew up with women in my family watching soap operas and I just think social media in some ways is the more modern day. I know there's still soap operas on, but the more modern day. Soap opera, right, oh my gosh. And then this thing happened to it, and then this and whoa curveball didn't expect that. And so we just get soaked up into all of it. And the same is to be said about the news, the way it is written, the things that they tell us we should be listening to, what's important to us. What did Taylor Swift do this week?

Speaker 1: 13:14

Oh my gosh, we're all over it because our circle of concern is activated and we love the drama. We love to know what's going on and instead of focusing on what actually will help us achieve our goals in life that circle of influence we just get sucked right back into the bigger circle of concern. So I hope that this episode today helped you start to kind of reprioritize things in your mind. Maybe sit down and write out that list what are my circle of concern items and what is the circle of influence? That list should be much smaller because at the end of the day, we add way more to our plates than we actually need to be doing. There's a variety of reasons and you can listen to all the podcast episodes before this to really find out why. But the biggest thing is we do get addicted to the drama. We like to have that hero complex activated and at the end of the day, if we're really honest with ourselves, creating balance in our lives can feel kind of boring and mundane. It isn't as exciting as the circle of concern, but we're here to have more ease and flow in our lives, so maybe mundane and boring is actually what we need, and detoxing from the hustle and bustle, though uncomfortable, is actually an added bonus to all of it.

Speaker 1: 14:31

Okay, dear listener, I hope you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, make sure to leave a review and share your comments and, as always, send me a message on social media, email me and let me know what you thought. I love reading your messages every week. I'm so grateful for those of you take the time to contact me. And here's to finding our balance code. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you have a moment, please leave a rating or review so that others can find this podcast who are looking for support, just like you. Let's connect on Instagram at katierussler or at balance code podcast, or check down in the show notes to find ways that we can work together and see other offerings that I have for you at this time. And, as always, here's to finding our balance code.