Navigating Resentment: A New Perspective on Personal Growth

Welcome to the Balance Code Podcast, a place where you have permission to step outside the hamster wheel of day-to-day life and learn tools to create more balance. My name is Katie Russell. I'm a licensed therapist and burnout and hidden grief specialist. I support ambitious, goal-driven people who are ready to get off the one-way train, to burnout and start to enjoy life again to the fullest. Oh and, by the way, I'm a mom of three, an ex-pat living in Germany who's still learning the language, and an entrepreneur Living my Balance Code is what keeps me able to work in incredible ways without burning up. So let's find your Balance Code. Hey everyone, today we're going to be talking about resentment and I know that seems like a Debbie Downer topic and you're like geez, katie. But I promise by the end of this episode you're going to feel like you have a brand new mindset on this topic and how to approach it when you feel it Okay.

So I was talking with a friend the other day about how she was feeling in relation to like doing all the chores in her house and taking care of dinner, and her husband and her kids were just sitting on the couch and it really frustrated her, but at some point she was like I just sometimes really resent my partner. And I was like, oh, and, yes, I am that friend who's a therapist too. I was like do you think you resent him because he gives himself the permission to breathe, him to sit on the couch, rather than like do chores? And she looked at me and she's like, oh, my God, yeah, I'm so angry that he gets to do that. I don't feel like I get to do that, but I feel guilty when I stop doing stuff. And I was like ding, ding, ding. So I started thinking about this some more.

I started thinking about resentment and how it's a red flag notification for us that someone else is giving themselves permission or freedom to do something that we wish we could give ourselves permission and freedom to do. Now, when I say this, I don't mean that we wish we had the permission and freedom to be them, because there's probably some things about them that we don't really want to take on. But we desire to relax, we desire to do less. We desire to say whatever comes to our mind rather than filter everything. We desire to drop our responsibilities whenever we want to. We desire to not have to think through our decisions for like hours and days, and sometimes weeks and months, before we make a decision. We just want to be like whatever, let's just go.

And there's probably people in our lives that we resent because they have the freedom to do those things. Again, we're not like looking to be them, but they have freedom to not follow suit around the expectations they feel like they have in their lives. Often we feel like there's so much expected of us and there's shoulds I'm supposed tos and we should on ourselves so much that we don't even know right from wrong anymore. We're just like, well, I'm supposed to do this, this is how life is supposed to be, but the reality is somewhere along the lines. We stop giving ourselves permission to relax, to do less, be less, to make mistakes, to change, to have trial and error, see if it works out or not. Right, we feel like we have to stay in a certain lane and often the resentment comes when somebody has the freedom to be in whatever lane they want to be in.

I feel like so many of you are like having this, like weight lifted off of your chest, like, oh, that's what it is. I've been so angry at so and so for so long. I can even think of friendships I've had where I'm just like, oh, and I don't know that I ever would have called it resentment. But when I look back now I was super envious. I was because resentment really is envy, right, like I envy that you have the permission and freedom to do that. Who gave that to you? Because I want them to give it to me, right, like? Who gave you that permission? Ah, you gave it to yourself, right? No-transcript. But I hold myself to certain standards and expectations because I believe I'm supposed to be this way. I believe it's who I am, it's part of my identity, right? And so I continue to live in congruence and in doing so, when I see people who get the freedom to not do that, to not be congruent, to change and shift, I'm like what? No, that's not allowed, you're outside the box. And then I get envious and I resent them.

I think about the clients I've worked with who brought up the theme of resentment and envy that they've experienced towards people. And you might use the word jealousy. I, just after reading the Atlas of the Heart by Brunner Brown, I'm like make sure I use this word correctly, because jealousy is when we are jealous of someone else who might take a relationship from us, like I'm jealous that you're flirting with my partner or you know, something might happen. And envy is when we desire to have something someone else has right. So that's why I use envy. If you use jealousy, go for it. I just Brunner has shifted me forever. I will never be able to go back.

So when we have this envy, when we feel a sense of I wish I could be this way, it doesn't show up that way, though right, it doesn't show up with the I wish it shows up with the. It's almost discussed, like how dare they? They must be awful or they must be this. And again I've had this with friendships where I don't actively think of the discussed, but I do the. I do. Sorry, friends, whoever you are, I do.

And if I'm honest with myself, if I sat down and really said Katie, what is this about? They have permission to do something I feel like I don't have permission to do and I envy that. And over time envy turns into resentment. I resent them that they've given themselves that permission. So what can we do? How can we change this? If we see the red flags, katie, red flags, yep, I've got resentment in my life. I know who it's towards, maybe somebody in your home. What can you do about it? Well, first step is acknowledgement. Right, first be aware. But the next step is to say what is the freedom or permission I desire to have in my life that I don't believe I get to have. What responsibilities and roles and chores do I think I'm the only one who can do? Or if I don't do them, they won't get done and the whole system will fall apart.

There is a belief system, when it comes to not giving yourself permission to do something, that something will shift in a really bad way. It'll all drop, the other shoe will drop, everything will break apart. You'll never be able to be put back together because I didn't do that one thing or I wasn't this one way. Hey, you might be right. You know what Our whole relationship might end because you shift.

I'm not downplaying this, but I'm saying there's a part of us that gets really scared and so we hide ourselves from the other shoe and so we hyper hold on to those responsibilities and roles as our own and that we have to do them. Well, they'll never get done and because of that we stop asking for help, because again it becomes that glass fall, like we talked about in episode three, that if we drop it it will break, because no one could ever take this from us and do it as well as we do, or they'll just not care. So instead we just hold on to resentment. Cool, right. Okay, sure, I'm gonna continue to juggle all these things and I'm just gonna resent people around me who are not juggling like I am. But we forget to say to those people in our space who could help us, like my friend partner on the couch with the kids can you guys fold the clothes while you sit there? I'm gonna do this and then I wanna come and like hang out with you guys and not do anything. We forget to ask for help. Instead, we sort of just stare and frustration and we feel the passive, aggressive comments building up in us and we just explode or implode. It doesn't end well either way. So your red flag is the indicator. I am feeling resentment.

Okay, what is it about? What is the permission or freedom that people around me have that I wish I had, and how can I start taking steps to creating that freedom and permission in my life? Is it asking for help? Is it reminding myself this is a rubber ball and not a glass ball? Is it blocking out time every day for myself to do what I want to do or to be who I want to be? Is it not always holding my tongue when talking to certain people and finding ways to more effectively communicate what I think or feel, rather than always going with the flow? If we don't stop and reflect on what it is, we have resentment around, and again, it's not usually because we want to be that person. We just want the permission and freedom they have. Well, they gave themselves that.

There's a variety of reasons why that could go into a whole another episode, but the point is that you desire to have permission and freedom to be able to do something, say something, be someone, let go of something, change something, and you don't believe that you have that. So how do you create that for yourself? How can you recognize that, the guilt that you feel? Sometimes maybe it's around taking care of yourself or deciding to make a change in the decision you originally had made and going nope, I'm pivoting, I'm changing, I'm dropping that, but that's okay. That the guilt isn't necessarily something's wrong. It's about the conditioning that you feel like you were supposed to stay in your lane and you're not allowed to leave it. So notice your red flags, notice what it's about and decide how you can start to make little, incremental steps towards giving yourself the type of permission and freedom that makes you feel more like huh rather than ugh at other people. Right, like you, be you, I'll be me.

Okay, that wraps up today's episode on resentment. Do you see, I told you I'm gonna change the way you think about resentment and give you tools and how to work on it. I've followed through with my promise. If you enjoyed today's episode, please leave a rating or review on the podcast platform you're listening to this on right now and take a moment to share it with a friend, if you know.

Somebody else needs to hear this message, because we all need support when finding balance, boundaries and just working on our stress levels, and doesn't it feel good when a friend thinks of you and goes hey, I thought of you as I heard this. I think you need the support too. Well, thank you so much for listening to the end and here's to finding our balance code. Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you have a moment, please leave a rating or review so that others can find this podcast, who are looking for support, just like you. Let's connect on Instagram at katierussler or at balancecodepodcast, or check down in the show notes to find ways that we can work together and see other offerings that I have for you at this time and, as always, here's to finding our balance code.